The man on the telephone is helpful.

Although I had chosen a mattress from their wide range, it had not been delivered, due to some mysterious soiling all over it. I do not hold this against the amiable salesperson, as there is probably an utterly reasonable explanation.

“I’m very sorry that we’ve let you down,” he says.

I make ‘don’t worry, this sort of thing happens to me all the time’ noises down the phone. Which isn’t altogether far from the truth, annoyingly.

“What we thought,” he continues, “is that we could lend you a mattress. Until a new one arrives from the manufacturers.”

“An unsoiled one?”

“Yes – one from the showroom.”

I consider this for a few moments. I remain a bit dubious about the mattress people. Although I am all for enjoying your work, taking an interest in your products etc etc, I do not think you should go as far as to leave them soiled, and if you do I think that perhaps you are in the wrong job and should perhaps go and work in PC World or suchlike. I am not one to judge. Whatever deviant practices are going on are fine by me, but what goes at discount mattress people, stays at discount mattress people. Plus I still have a perfectly good old mattress at home.

“Yes, that’ll be fine,” I reply.

“They’re lending us a mattress?!?” splutters the LTLP.

“Yes. It is all above board,” I tell her. “The orignal mattress was soiled, so they are going to lend us a special one to use on our bed for a couple of weeks, and then they will take that one back to their warehouse and get us the one we originally ordered.”

“A special one.”

She is sceptical. But she has no reason to be. The temporary mattress arrives just as promised, and is very comfortable.

“We’ll be able to pick that up again in a couple of weeks then,” says the Mattress Person, rubbing his hands.

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20 thoughts on “I speak to the discount mattress people.

  1. lucy p says:

    aaah. soiling mystery solved.

  2. beth says:

    I don’t really understand why you would want a loan mattress, when you have a perfectly good old mattress at home. But I’m probably missing something. I’m sure everything will work out fine. After all, it’s not as if you’re buying from ‘BritiansBiggestBedSpecialists’ is it?

  3. It is obviously all a big ponzi scheme-style scam that saves them the manufacturing cost of exactly one mattress. What they are doing is just passing this loan mattress around like a dodgy cheque, then fulfilling each new order with what is actually the previous customer’s mattress. So long as people keep buying mattresses it will go on forever. See also: the global economy (little bit of politics there).

    I await your post “The mattress people refuse to take the loan mattress back as we have soiled it!!!” eagerly.

  4. JonnyB says:

    The thing is that the loan one is more comfortable than our old skanky one, beth.

    And it will be fine. I will treat it with the greatest of care.

  5. Megan says:

    You know, there were some local boys many years back doing a thriving business in ‘genuine’ pre-worn, pre-soiled jeans sold in, I think, Japan as ‘absolutely worn by cowboys.’ Since a cowboy out here often means someone who has unfortunate taste in footwear and believes a faded circle on the arse of your trousers from carrying a tin of chewing tabacco is the height of fashion these men were entirely qualified [note: the jeans were acquired used from the very finest thrift emporium and then worn in appropriate places by judicious application of a belt sander].

    My point is, you might want to do a little google search for ‘genuine pre-soiled Norfolk mattress with authentic UK staining (pricing varies based on extent and type of staining, inquiries welcome)’ just in case there’s a better deal to be made somewhere.

  6. Pat says:

    I’m with Beth. You didn’t know it was going to be more comfortable. I think you are a bit barmy and must be a bit of a worry to LTLP.

  7. New mattress, new baby. Never fails. No wonder the mattress delivery guy was rubbing his hands. It’s not as if LTLP is likely to be breeding with you, after all…

  8. Z says:

    If I have occasion to spend a night in the Norfolk & Norwich Hospital, I’ll take my own mattress. Unless it’s an emergency of course, in which case I’ll take my own trolley.

  9. tillylil says:

    I hope you have taken the precaution of putting a mattress cover over it.
    If it that comfortable why not offer to buy it at a reduced price – after all it is now used and nearly soiled goods!

  10. suburbia says:

    That’s how they get soiled then?! (Sorry!)

  11. Cimex Lectularius says:


  12. spazmo says:

    ” Plus I still have a perfectly good old mattress at home.”

    Christ, Jonny – just because the brown and yellow splotches are mostly dry doesn’t mean your old mattress is still “perfectly good”.

  13. kermit says:

    so a new one will arrive from the manufacturers, will it? are these manufacturers going to put a plastic cover over it to prevent it from soiling while in transit or is that bit of ingenuity not reached them?

  14. Hys Grace, The Duke says:

    One suspects they are hoping for a switch sale. After a couple of weeks the one you ordered will still not be available. You will be offered the loan mattress at a considerably discounted price. Already content with said loan mattress you will be delighted at the cost saving you have made. You will be relieved that you will not have to explain why their loan mattress is slighty soiled in one spot as well. Or for that matter, the marks left by the ropes. You will gladly take the deal offered. What luck indeed. Of the mattress people, they will be remorseful. At least until they replace the receiver to you. Win – win, is it not.

  15. JonnyB says:

    I got a really good night’s sleep last night, I have to admit. Even the hidden microphones didn’t make things uncomfortable.

  16. Short Tony says:

    My 14 year-old daughter prefers your new mattress- she says it’s quieter.

  17. lettsy says:

    I think you might like to re-phrase that comment Short Tony!

  18. JonnyB says:

    *dignified silence*

  19. Nancy says:

    You are grossing me out with your mattress doings. I shall be skipping all mattress-related posts in the future. Yes, I am THAT delicate.

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