I receive a parcel in the post!!!

It is there on the doormat on my return.

A parcel!!! I rip it open eagerly. The contents are unexpected. I study the advice slip carefully.

It has been ordered and paid for by us. It must be from the LTLP. The LTLP has sent me a present!!! This is good, as she has been a bit eye-rolly with me recently, for one reason or another.

I settle down with my new present.

“Thank you for my present – it arrived safely,” I tell the LTLP, when she arrives home later.

She looks confused. “What present?” she demands.

I show her my present. She denies all knowledge of the present. I show her the advice slip that clearly demonstrates that one of us has placed the order, therefore proving present status.

“Are you sure you didn’t order this yourself?” she says. “On Friday, when you were pissed?”

I think for a minute.

“I could have done, I suppose,” I admit.

“Oh great,” she replies. “I’ll just wait for loads of vintage signage and second hand computer magazines to arrive now.”

I am disappointed. “I really thought you’d sent me a present,” I complain.

“No,” she explains. “A present would be something that I had ordered and got sent to you. This is ‘something that you ordered yourself when you were pissed.’ That is not a present.”

“Oh.”

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19 Comments

  1. You are in soooooo much trouble!

  2. Stuff and nonsense – I send myself presents all the time. Hell would be just about freezing over if I had to wait for the spouse to give me presents. It’s even better if you don’t even remember ordering it – as you found out, it’s a lovely surprise. Congratulations!

  3. We call them drunk-drivers. As in “I was drunk-driving the PC and ended up with a CD of Paul Anka singing the Best of Nirvana” (p.s. this is true).

  4. Thank you, Jonny. You have explained so many mystery parcels I have received over recent years.

  5. Dare I ask what the present was???

  6. Indeed, enquiring minds want to know.

  7. ACME home swimming pool kit…

  8. Was not either JonnyB you Lying mcLiar Pants.

    However, if it is already paid for and unexpected it is 2/3 of the way to being a present. The final, most important question – did you actually want or like it? Because if not, congratulations on your new present. Don’t forget to display it prominently so it can be admired by the person who sent it. This might lead to some difficulties as it puts you in the position of being both the person who scans the room to make sure the present is being properly appreciated AND the person who is irritated every time they see it but doesn’t dare take it down for at least six months.

    Good news is you can re-gift it to the LTLP in a month or two.

  9. You should vigorously dispute the LTLP’s definition of “present”, Jonny. Nothing wrong with treating yourself every now and then – and if you can do it whilst so blotto that you are genuinely surprised when it arrives, so much the better. After all, were it not for the “present” you give yourself in the shower every morning, you would not technically have any sex life at all. I’d hate to live in a world where that could be true…

  10. Admit it. You bought the The Flowbee. If you think the web site is funny, you have got to check out the “Home Haircutting Network Programme” (or whatever it’s called). It’s somewhere on youtube.

  11. whoops – I didn’t express myself clearly.

    The Flowbee “Home Haircutting Network Programme” video on Youtube is what I meant to reference.

  12. A present is still good, even if you have to buy it for yourself. Although how come it’s always you who has to take responsibility for being pissed. Doesn’t the LTLP ever have a drink – maybe she is the one who’s forgotten ordering it, eh?

    What I’d do now is order a present for her. Something unexpected, but definitely not something for you (because so many people suspect an ulterior motive, which is so unjust and cynical). Nothing domestically useful and nothing that might offer sexual fringe benefits for you. Beyond-reproach lovely, but not overly extravagant – you get the idea. Disarming in its selflessness.

  13. Ha, NickyB, I’ve got that CD too!

  14. I, on the other hand, received a genuine present this morning, from my sister, who is not usually given to such things. The simple expedient of mentioning on the Facebook that I had a new bookcase seemed to spur her into action. I will try the one about my car needing taxing soon, as well.

  15. When drunk is the best possible time to order things, you get the joy of purchasing new things twice over.

  16. ACME home swimming pool kit… .
    Am I being too obvious or is this just a shovel?

  17. Shame-facedly I admit that it was not an ACME home swimming pool kit.

    It is a great concept however, this ‘ordering yourself stuff and not remembering it’ It really is just as good as getting a proper present. It is Friday today. I suggest we all order stuff when we get in from the pub tonight then reconvene here next week when the post arrives.

  18. Lettsy, if you bought it sober I’m ashamed of you

  19. Count me in! I lost my ipod today, so I hope one of those arrives.

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