There are lots to choose from, and the sheer variety makes things confusing.
“What are our criteria?” I ask.
(NB note I have used the correct ‘are’ and not the common ‘is’, as ‘criteria’ is a plural word. That is why I am such a good writer.)
I regret my question immediately. Apparently our criteria are that it should be cheap and should get from A to B without using any petrol to speak of, or breaking down. Furthermore it transpires that I am not allowed to come up with any criteria myself, as I was in the Village Pub with Short Tony and my mobile switched off whilst she was being towed from the A148 to the garage on Friday night.
“Oh,” I say.
We do some detailed research. After our detailed research, we have come up with a shortlist of suitable cars to investigate further.
- Suzuki Pootle
- Kia Ninky-nonk
- Daewoo Pinky-ponk
- Fiat Molecule
- Jensen Interceptor
“What the fuck is that?” she barks, when I show her the picture on the website.
I explain that it is a Jensen Interceptor, and that it was basically the best car ever made, and that I always wanted one when I was a kid.
“It looks like a stretched Ford Escort,” she says. “Is it economical?”
“Yes,” I lie. Small flames start licking up painfully from the area of my pants.
“We are not getting a Jensen Interceptor,” she says.
“But that one is unbelievable value!” I argue. “For six grand, wouldn’t you surely rather have something like that? Or some sort of Daihatsu Twinkle?”
We browse the Daihatsu Twinkle web pages.
I have a resigned feeling about all this. It does not help that Mrs Short Tony has just taken delivery of a new small car. And whilst it doesn’t go very fast, and the back seats would only really be useful for storing priests in should there be a repetition in the Village of the 16th-century enthusiasm for persecuting Catholics, it is the sort of thing that the LTLP is after. I suspect they are in it together. There is a hidden agendum somewhere, and I am not fooled.
Brochures are ordered from the major tiny-car manufacturers. I am not going to win this one.