I inspect my chalet.

It has a sauna!!!

I stare at it, agog. Granted, it is a bit more like a giant grill than the real thing, but its saunaness greatly exceeds anything that I had been expecting. This is brilliant.

“There’s a big fuck-off flat screen TV!!!” I exclaim gleefully, as the LTLP and Toddler trudge in with their bags. “Hang on – there’s a flat screen in my bedroom!!! All of our bedrooms!!! OMG OMG Wifi LOL LOL,” (I paraphrase).

This is the most excellent start to a holiday that I have ever had. Even the weather is better than expected. I love Center Parcs. Honestly, there is nothing, nothing at all that can put a downer on my mood right now.

“Where shall I put my bags?” asks my Mother-in-Law.

A small black cloud drifts across the sun.

“I have to apologise for him,” remarks the LTLP. “He is going to be in a foul mood later, as he can find nothing to complain about.”

But she is wrong I am in a state of holiday serenity as the LTLP organises wardrobe space and wrestles to get the oven on.

Later, the LTLP’s parents have to be pulled from the Subtropical Swimming Paradise by lifeguards, in front of a large throng of holidaymakers. The LTLP stomps up to me, her face like thunder, her swimming costume having been pulled off in the rescue attempt. But I am happily bobbing around on a lazy backstroke, a big smile on my face. Give me a few more tattoos and I could well become a regular here.

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15 Comments

  1. Perhaps its my yankee-ness showing (pardon me) but the phrase ‘swimming costume’ evokes a charming two piece number with bloomers and a dinky little skirt. Also a mob cap, stockings and a good pair of canvas shoes. Given the amount of effort it would require to pull that gear off, even in the throes of a rescue attempt, I think the thunderous face was entirely justified.

    Re tattoos: do try to be clear about what you want, particularly if your artist is Romanian. Be dreadful if your request for a small but tasteful homage to Kermit the Frog with Banjo in Swamp became the full cast of Muppets Take Manhattan blazoned across your forehead.

  2. Megan

    You have just accurately described British swimming attire.

  3. Be careful, someone might tatoo you with her fist if you get too gleeful about your in-laws’ swimming troubles…

  4. her swimming costume having been pulled off in the rescue attempt

    Nice try, but I think if you’re aiming for the title of Boy With A One-Track Mind you’ll have to work a bit harder.

  5. What a fun holiday! Is Center Parcs not the lazy refuge of razzled parents? I don’t know if I could cope living under such a benignly authoritarian regime.

  6. Must be a big pool if there was room for the water after you got in. No wonder the in-laws got into trouble. I dare say the tsunami precipitated by your arrival swamped them…

  7. LOL indeed.

    You make me want to book up – but it seems that you have left the money off bit from the end of this entry?

  8. Was the LTLP naked after “her swimming costume having been pulled off in the rescue attempt” or had she pulled earlier than you?

  9. Don’t worry, Zed. It was only her knockers.

  10. Unfortunately the Centre Parcs Experience costs a fair whacd from what I heard, someone I worked with went for a cheaper option of a month in the Canaries.

  11. And I’ve got a big smile on my face after reading that and I want ALL the details please.
    Did I tell you that I have just bought an LCD 32″ flat screen WITH HD. If you EVER read my posts you’d know.
    Try to hold the mood. For longer than 30 mins anyway.
    And the AGED Ps. What of them?

  12. can’t wait to hear tale of sharing gril .. er, sauna with MIL

  13. Pingback: Around Centre Parcs, with Pants. | Private Secret Diary

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