Message to the outside world.

There is Wi-fi access, smuggled past the guards.

I am still in Camp Center Parcs, wondering what will happen to me. We arrived six – seven? – days ago, and were immediately taken to a group of huts by the gates, for processing. Our paperwork was stamped – thank God it was all in order – and we were allocated a berth accordingly.

One of the horrors of this place is that whilst families might arrive together, the camp authorities deliberately do not change this state of affairs. We eat, exercise, sleep together. Food we have to scrape together ourselves, or is provided from places featuring laminated menus. Comforts are small, such as the maid service and jacuzzi.

God willing, this post will reach the outside world. I have met a man who promises that he can arrange it that I can leave tomorrow. I do not know whether this is true, or will turn out to be yet one more small cruelty. Remember me to the people on Twitter.


  1. You are not a number, JonnyB, you are a free man – no, wait… well, at any rate, trust nobody and don’t let Rover get you.

  2. He lives! Tunnel due to finish tomorrow, eh? Good luck with that then, Jonny.

  3. The world has changed whilst you’ve been on the inside. Hope you can re-adjust.

  4. Ah, so brave! My hero, *swoon*.

  5. For you, ze war is over, Englishman.

  6. Could you stick all the laminated menus together to make a glider?

  7. That’s a coincidence. I’ve met a man who promises he can lure you out close to the wire on the pretext of picking up tomorrow’s post from you, so we can riddle you with heavy-calibre machine-gun fire. Just need to raise the necessary cash by whip-round.

    Pat, Megan – thanks for the twenties. Blazing – I can’t fence your grannie’s jewellery, but premium bonds should be fine…

  8. I should think the pants could be endlessly helpful in this trying situation:

    Signal flag (and, should the signal be one of distress the pants will immediately make that fact clear)

    Catapult – for bringing down guards

    Something to fling over the cable so you can flying-fox your way out of the compound

  9. Megan is really MacGuyver in disguise?

  10. Ye Gods! Families arrive together and are kept together?! What kind of evil is this?

    U T

  11. Sewmouse – damn! secret identity blown. It’s the mullet, isn’t it?

    Ivan – happy to donate to a worthy cause.

  12. If he tells you that you can escape by swimming across the lake, ignore him. It is a lie. You cannot swim across the lake to escape – it is just more of the same, surrounded by the other end of the fence.

  13. Good luck my friend. Our thoughts go with you.

  14. Ooh, Ivan, a fence. Wonderful. I’ve been looking for one of those for ages. I have a five bob premium bond left too. I knew it would come in handy for something…

  15. Your message has reached all the way to St. America.

    Dig your way out, man, dig…you might end up like Papillon, in Guyana.

  16. Am I the only one happy to leave him in there?

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