I decide to get fit.

“I just generally feel constantly terrible,” I complain to Short Tony, as he cooks dinner for his dogg. “I’ve got fat, I’m out of breath all the time, I’ve got no… get-up-and-go.”

He gives the wok a stir. My suggestion that we start playing tennis again is accepted as something that we might do some time in the future at some point sometime.

I am very down. It is not the Toddler’s fault, but since she has been around with her subversive and sabotaging influence, my own quality of self-care has been put to one side. I have stopped cooking nice healthy meals and am grabbing whatever is to hand, and I am drinking too much (although this is genetics as our genes have yet to catch up with the fact that there are pubs now). On the sporting front I only really play bowls and snooker these days, and you cannot really count snooker as exercise.

The LTLP has taken her fleas to Los Angeles for a bit, and I feel that now is the time.

“I’m going to start running again,” I announce.

Short Tony turns the heat down to a simmer, to reduce the sauce.

“Is that wise?” he asks.

32 Comments

  1. First! Now I’ll go read the post.

    I’m easily amused, it seems.

  2. “our genes have yet to catch up with the fact that there are pubs now”

    Possibly the most brilliant thing ever written on the Internet!

    We don’t pay you enough.

  3. Never mind “our genes have yet to catch up with the fact that there are pubs now” – it seems Jonny’s genes are similarly slow on the uptake regarding takeaway pizza, party-sized bags of cheesy wotsits, and microchips. Let’s just hope that little Servalan gets her genes from her mother. And her father of course, whoever he was…

  4. What *exactly* was Short Tony cooking for the dogg which required a) a wok and b) a reduction of the sauce? Something fabulous from one of Nigella’s works perhaps?

  5. to answer short t’s question- no it’s not wise.. i tried it 4 months ago and have been faking shin splints since.

  6. Oh – for a takeaway pizza facility.

  7. bill werbeniuk was at the peak of physical fitness and he was a snooker player.

  8. Of course it’s wise! I mean, I assume something large and ravenous is chasing you? Make Short Tony go along, then you just have to run faster than him.

  9. Go. Go jonny, go. Go. Run. Walk fast. Just do it. You’ll be slim and fit and buff in no time. You’ll have the enery of a jackrabbit and be inspired to prepare healthy meals. You’ll once again be able to get up and go and your entire life will become golden. This I promise you.

  10. I did that once…went for a run that is. A couple of times in fact, when I was in a “nearly 40 and a tad too lardy” mindset.

    I have three words for Jonny, that exactly sum up the plight of an unfit man, who somehow manages to kid his concious brain that he still fitter and younger than really is…Chronic Achilles Tendonitis.

    A month of “No beer” on the other hand, is a real mann’s challenge, works wonders for your wellbeing, and makes other people very impressed with your steely will and zen like fortitude.

    Achilles injuries however just make them laugh.

  11. I cook roast chicken for our dogg, with a selection of veggiesand rice cooked in homemade chicken stock. I’m not sure woks are the best way to cook dogg food… is the dogg fat too?

  12. Running is bad for the joints Johnny, sex is far healthier, and a damn sight more fun! Just take precautions.

  13. precautions like ‘control pants’? I believe that you will never get laid in those, although may have a flat waistline

  14. How about darts?

    Or really push the boat out and consider cribbage!

  15. Porthos – was cutting the hole in the front a waste of time then?!?

  16. I’ve always been a big fan of Egyptian PT. Lie on your back and make like a mummy.

  17. NAGA - Life Coach To The Stars

    Get a paper round.

    Preferably with an unscrupulous local Newsagent paying well below the minimum wage.

    Spend your wages in the Pub.

    There you have it. Some healthy exercise and a money saving strategy taboot.

  18. 18th!!!!! Woot!!!!!!!

    Oh, clearly I have nothing.

  19. Just for fun, get a blood-sugar test.

    Who knows? By next week we could be insulin-buddies.

  20. Running is going to shake up all the beer in you and your wallet as well, if you are prepared to buy the right harmless shoes!

  21. Borrow the dogg. Nothing like a bracing walk while trying to teach it bad habits. You can replaced the expended calories by arranging to return the dogg in the village pub.

  22. The problem is that I am allergic to doggs. They make me short of breath.

  23. And dogs as well.

  24. Good forms of exercise …

    1) take dog walking.
    2) take ltlp jogging
    3) take dogg walking.
    4) take ltlp d – cancel that.

    Anyway, I always thought a dogg was a Norfolk-urban hip-hoppy way of saying dog. If they are different, I’m confused again!

  25. You’re going to go for a run.

    Run, run, run, run, run! Leap! Leeeeeaaap!

  26. i’ve been reading this blog too long…

  27. I too am too fat!

    Unfortunately, my dog is a Beagle, so the walking is more like bouts of sniffing with little jaunts in between. Fun for the dog, not so much exercise for me.

    And the cat won’t cooperate at all.

  28. Hang on a minute. First you’re so broke that you’re all but sucking the nutrition out of the wallpaper, now one of you is flying off to the City Of Angels.

    Presumably, you have a very easy-going credit card company?

    My neighbour has a doggg. It’s a bit like Short Tony’s, but has a longer tail.

  29. No, she is working on her science an’ stuff. But the wallpaper idea is a good one.

  30. Ah, I see where this is going.

    Jonny, you do not need to lose weight! You are a fine specimen of a man ect ect.

  31. Forget the wallpaper idea or you’ll end up same as Napoleon (and you are not even on a sunny Island..)

  32. Poor baby.

    Servalan, not you, JonnyB.

    You’re blaming her yet again.

    When she grows up and finds out, ect etc…

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