I stare at it for a long time. Nobody rings me at this time of day, except the LTLP who is in America with fleas. Perhaps the person on the other end of the line will give me an excuse not to do something which I have been putting off and putting off and putting off. It is worth a shot.

“Hullo?” I ask the telephone.

“Hello!” replies Big A (on the telephone).

It is Big A, who is telephoning me out of idleness as he lives across the road.

“I was wondering if you fancied a game of snooker this morning?” he asks.

I pause, and examine my conscience. It takes me about three seconds, and I reel back in horror from what I discover. But I resolve to be firm, despite his siren telephonic entreaties.

“I’m sorry,” I say firmly. “But I’m going for a run.”

There is an odd noise at the other end. “Hello? Hello?” asks Big A. “There must have been some problem with the line. I thought you said you were going for a run.”

Yes, because sarcasm is, like, the highest form of wit, isn’t it? I crossly tell him to go away. I have no idea why my running plans have caused such scepticism amongst the general public. But I will not be diverted from the path of righteousness.

27 thoughts on “The telephone rings!!!

  1. C.B says:

    You should have added “Would you like to join?” and the madness would have been complete.

  2. audrey says:

    My First ever comment – and I’m first!!!!!!!!!!

    Who cares if I have nothing to say…..

  3. Brennig says:

    I want to know the meaning behind the phrase ‘the LTLP who is in America with fleas’.

    Is this some kind of Norfolkian punishment? Get fleas and get deported?

  4. audrey says:

    Damn beaten. I will never try again

  5. Amanda says:

    I wish i had your running legs!

  6. are you allowed to import fleas to the USofA?

  7. driedfrog says:

    There are fleas in the US alright. In particular, there’s a giant bloodsucker sitting in the White House. (not that that is the LTLP’s fault, mind you)

  8. Rachel Green says:

    Good for you!
    Did you go to the pub afterwards?

  9. JonnyB says:

    Hullo driedfrog and welcome, and Rachel Green (apologies if I have already welcomed you, but I have completely lost track now).

    That is a bit alarming about the bloodsucking thing. You would think the president and security services ect ect would do something about it, or at least that they would have proper cleaners.

  10. mb says:

    if you’re running at this time of year i suggest investing in some form of base layer. Maybe some under armour ‘cold gear’? I highly recommend it.

    Although it’s a good job you only have an average sized head otherwise you wouldn’t be able to get it on.

  11. Truly, you shall be a new man by the time the LTLP gets back. A bedridden one, for a start. Sadly, by the time she gets back she’ll probably already have a new man, making your efforts an exercise in futility…

  12. peach says:

    bit chilly for running unless it’s around the house, what?

  13. z says:

    It was a horrid day for a run, chilly and damp. I’d have been tempted just to run across the road as far as Big A’s house.

    Still, as long as the run ended up at the pub, I expect no lasting harm will have been done.

    I’m relieved to hear that there is an ocean between the LTLP with her fleas and the rest of Norfolk.

  14. zed says:

    did the LTLP have to pay extra to take her fleas with her?

  15. Jenny says:

    Is the LTLP going to trade the fleas for cockroaches, because we have a lot of them over here.

  16. Saltation says:

    fleas travel free. little parasites that they are.

    watch out for the dogshit on the path of righteousness!

  17. john.g. says:

    I suspect this running thing originated with you being able to hear the last orders bell at the pub!

  18. NAGA - Life Coach To The Stars says:

    Er…have you returned yet or did you divert to A&E?

    Don’t forget to cream up the inner thighs to ward off chafed legs.

  19. Man, what a bunch of pessimists your fans are. I know next to nothing about you, yet can sense steely determination in your fitness plan. Look how quickly you cast off the temptation of snooker. You are the Rocky I & II of Norfolk and WILL defeat the evil flab and become totally buff.

  20. Richard says:

    Plz not to lean on any unsound looking walls in order to get your breath back after running up a hill (or as there is probably a dearth of hillyness in the village, up a kerb) unless you have third party cover.

  21. Cliff says:

    Jonny, I think there’s a problem with your new template. In the post above, it looked like you said you were going for a run. It might be my monitor settings.

  22. ennovate says:

    It might be a typo. Perhaps it should be “going for a rum” – to ward off the cold (and possibly the fleas). Or even, if it’s a rightwards typo, “going for a rub” – for whatever reason. Either seems more likely than what’s been posted especially if there’s an offer of man stuff as an alternative.

  23. Rufus S Later says:

    Brennig: the phrase ‘the LTLP who is in America with fleas’ is one Jonny employs to differentiate between his LTLPs. Citizens of Norfolk are allowed harems under ancient Danish law.

  24. Ah, the newly converted! Is there anything more annoying?

    We shall all be made to feel inferior to Jonny’s smug lifestyle choices soon.

    Was the banjo not enough, man?

  25. Pat says:

    Who doesn’t know his fleas from his (or rather her) pediculi?

  26. guyana-gyal says:

    Why don’t you just try chasing fleas? Oh, oh, I know, you can start a flea circus. Train them to jump and so on, you’ll get tons of exercise that way. I have lots more ideas but I don’t wamt you to get too tired.

  27. guyana-gyal says:

    …want…I don’t want you to get tired…

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