She arrives back from the Village Pub late on the Friday night. I am already a bit cross with her, as I had been playing snooker on the Thursday and had planned to watch the rugby at the Village Pub on the Saturday. You would think that she would not go out on the Friday so that we could spend some time together. She is selfish.

Mrs Short Tony and Mrs Big A follow her into the kitchen and start rootling through her hair with the hands that don’t hold freshly-poured glasses of wine.

“What’s going on?” I enquire.

“Headlice,” I am told.

I don’t know about other people, but I had always thought that it was normal to go for a kebab or whatever on a Friday night after the Village Pub, rather than holding some sort of headlice clinic. Feminine hilarity ensues as they start scratching away at her scalp. I am annoyingly sober.

“Er – did you have a good time?”



“If she has them, the likelihood is that you do as well.”

“Getoff!!! Getoff!!!”

I am assaulted by a drunk woman with a comb and latex gloves. Given that I have an average-sized head and short hair the inspection is over very quickly.

“You’ve not got them. Just her.”

The LTLP has fleas!!! She looks really pissed off at this. But I haven’t, so it is all right.

32 thoughts on “The LTLP contracts fleas.

  1. Brennig says:

    The size of head is important when considering the matter of headlice.

    Which is different to fliedlice – which should go hand-in-hand with considering the size of one’s belly, not head.

    You could cheer her up – nip down to Clinton’s and get one of their novelty ‘Happy Infestation!’ cards, no?

  2. nick_fish says:

    Hmmm is wine now used to get the headlice drunk so they fall off? I don’t recall ‘nitty nora’ the nit nurse bringing wine with her to the primary school when I was a young’un.

  3. JonnyB says:

    Hullo nick_fish and welcome. Our nitty nora brought wine all the time. If she couldn’t get hold of Rohypnol.

  4. Are you saying she picked up lice at the pub, Jonny? Doesn’t sound very likely to me. In your shoes, I’d be doing some vigorous fact-checking in re (a) was she really at the pub and not, eg, at some seedy women’s do involving Chippendales and (b) whether those really are head lice.

    Speaking of heads, congratulations on your average size there. From some of your output one begins to fear that you might have one that would fit nicely on an Papuan’s keyring, but Mother Nature has obviously decided to leave plenty of room for growth. Her wisdom is matched only by her eternal optimism…

  5. Ani says:

    Um, does the LTLP know that you are blogging about her headlice?! Is your thirst for fame and fortune ever quenched, Jonny? Hm?!

  6. Dr J says:

    Our local dermatologist recommends vodka for headlice. Come to think of it he was a bit vague about whether you rub it on your nut or just knock it back to help with the mental pain and anguish.

  7. JoAnne says:

    Seventh! I feel quite certain no one has ever said that here.

  8. Porthos says:

    I always understood that lice only flourish in clean hair and therefore an amount of dignity can be regained. Although this might be something my mum told me to make me feel better of course!

  9. JonnyB says:

    I’m afraid the ‘clean hair’ thing is an old wives’ tale, probably for the reason you say. Although I am sure your hair is fragrant.

  10. guyana-gyal says:

    Rest assured, she is not as selfish as you claim, and soon, she’ll be sharing her new pets with you.

    I had lice when I was a child. I destroyed them with Savlon lotion. There’s also lice shampoo.

    Or you can shave off all her hair.

  11. greavsie says:

    Testosterone helps. That’s a man thing though.

    Seeing as the missus might be deficient here then try tea-tree shampoo to keep them away after de-lousing.

  12. Jenny says:

    Well, it looks like she was punished for her “selfishness”… again.

  13. NAGA says:

    Well at least you won’t have the bother of informing the rest of the village.

    It’ll be all round the place by mornin’.

    Not unlike, the headlice.

    Have you suggested the LTLP visits, The Backstreet Hairdresser, for a quick nit snip?

  14. They leap! Do you have an itch in your pants? I am just wondering.

  15. Richard says:

    I never got nits when the rest of my families caught them, and I wash my hair every day and I’m not an old wife, just a middle aged ex husband. Different story with the bloody dog’s fleas though. They saw me coming. Seriously, use a metal toothed nit comb. The ones that are shaped like a dolphin are the teh bestest, you can get them from the chemist. Ask for the metal toothed nit comb that’s shaped like a dolphin, when everyone else has left the shop obviously. They really are absolutely excellent and the LTLP will be nitless in two days. I’m now itching like buggery.

  16. Erhm…I’m just going to close out this blog window just now and pop ’round back to my own blog and hope nothing jumped around while I was here. ‘ta!

  17. maclir says:

    For the geeks – you can get a lice zapper, a comb-like device that when it detects the louse zaps it with a wee shock.

  18. Mujja says:

    you are safe Johnny – men don’t get headlice… they don’t like the testosterone… but the LTLP and toddler are in for fun and games trying to get rid….NASTY!!!

  19. Ali says:

    I wonder if they still hire nit nurses. This was not pointed out to me by my careers teacher and school and I’d probably be a natural, hating children as I do.

  20. Some men would pay good money to be assaulted by a woman with a latex glove and a comb.

  21. Eliza says:

    did she get them from baby? does that mean you don’t actually go near baby? bad man.

  22. Duck says:

    You don’t hear of a lot of rootling these days.

    Glad to hear it’s still flourishing as a
    practice in Norfolk.

  23. AndrewM says:


    Average-sized for an overblown beachball!

  24. The stuff you use for headlice is the same potion people use for pubic lice, so be careful how you ask for it – as I found out to my embarrassment when I had them a while back (nits I mean, I didn’t have crabs!).

  25. Smiler says:

    I had headlice once. Picked it up in kindergarten. After torturing my head with a comb for hours, my mother thought it a good idea to put my stuffed animals in a vat of boiling water. My favourite one, a koala bear exploded all over the kitchen. I still get weepy thinking about it. Headlice suck.

  26. JonnyB says:

    Julia Buckley that is too much information.

    Quite useful however. I will get the other stuff out of the cupboard.

  27. brom says:

    Hey I got an idea. A Van der Graaf generator!. Get her to stand on a bucket with one hand on the ball shiny thing, the lice will become charged and should ping off towards the nearest earthed surface…

    worth a try?

  28. NAGA says:


    I don’t wish to nit pick but, wouldn’t several hundred fully charged head lice pinging off all at once, cause the LTLP to fall from her bucket position? She might then, poor thing, be forced to attend Norwich A&E, watch Charlie Chaplin films till the wee small hours, before being run down by a seemingly testosterone ridden, Jonny B.

  29. Hello hello I am looking for (JB)PSD technical support hello

    My news feed-reader keeps popping up new items from (JB)PSD which aren’t (JB)PSD entries, mentioning something called “delicious”.

    (Adopts best duffer voice): What is this ‘delicious’? and do you know that it is happening?

    Yours confused,


  30. Pat says:

    Never lean your head back on head rests in public transport.

  31. JonnyB says:

    Hullo Stephen, this is technical support (me)

    Ah. Yes. When I add something to my delicious account, it pings it off into the feed. I use it for things I thought people might find interesting but that didn’t really ‘fit’ here.

    However on this brand new site, they are also listed down the side.

    Erm – I’m not sure if I need to do both. I shall monitor the situation.

  32. Ah that is good. I did indeed enjoy the link. As long as I know it is sanctioned by JB of (JB)PSD I am content.

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