“Four hundred pounds?!?” I echo.

Short Tony gives me a shamefaced look. “Four hundred pounds,” he confirms.

“Four hundred pounds?!?”

He nods. “Four hundred pounds.”

Four hundred pounds is shedloads of money. This is clearly some sort of gold-plated cow.

“I was a bit shocked as well,” confesses Short Tony. “I’m sorry – you can drop out of the cow syndicate if you want.” He uses his Derren Brown-like telepathic powers to complete the sentence wordlessly: “which will mean that my share will go up to six hundred pounds.”

“Nonono,” I mutter, tramping back to the Cottage. It is a bit of a worry, and the best I can do is to forget it for a while.

“Four hundred pounds?!?” shrieks The LTLP, breaking off from preparing a dinner from frozen chicken, frozen ribs, frozen peas and frozen mixed vegetables. “Four hundred pounds?!? How big is this fucking cow?!?”

“Well I would imagine…” I begin, trying to visualise a cow in my mind. I glance down at the freezer. We have been eating frozen food all week, and have made enough space to accommodate a side of mole. “Do you fancy some fish fingers as well?”

She gives me an abbatoir stare. “It had better,” she hisses, “be substantial.”


13 thoughts on “Four hundred pounds.

  1. Z says:

    Do make sure it has been hung for a good long time, Jonny, for the best flavour and tenderness. But be careful how you ask about it, because it’ll probably be a bullock rather than a cow and they are a bit sensitive about the description “well hung.”

  2. tillylil says:

    How much of this cow are you getting for £400?

  3. john b says:

    I’m such an urban hipster twit – it took me three readings to realise you meant a side of mole in the sense of “a small cut of meat of small animal that isn’t very good at seeing”, not a side of mole in the sense of “some Mexican chilli dip to have with your cow”…

  4. JonnyB says:

    You are Peter Mandelson and I claim my £5.

    Tillylil it is a third, Short Tony is weighing it out and I have no reason to distrust him.

    Surprising fact: apparently cows have only four ribs. You learn something new every day.

  5. Just giving the LTLP some fish fingers, Johnny? What is this, a Grange Hill re-run? You’re married and everything now, you know – you’re allowed to go all the way…

  6. snickelpants says:

    This cow of yours it wouldn’t happen to be grey with large ears, a very long nose and big floppy ears would it perchance?

  7. john malpas says:

    Sounmds expensive. Cannot understand why. I’ve seen pictures of fields with masses of cows in the field and they are just standing about..
    Obviously unwanted – no cowherd you see. Why not just aquire one of these.

  8. Brom says:

    Yeah, now come to think of it, why can’t you get beef chops?? I’ll be back later to find out.

  9. AndyB says:

    Ivan, he’s gone all the way at least twice….well, allegedly.

    Jonny, cows have more than four ribs, they have at least…..oh, I see! Very good.

  10. Dim Some says:

    Four ribs = very good? Um, I must be dim, I still don’t get it. What have I missed? And I do so hate feeling dim… Or is some mathematics afoot here? Like maybe said cow has twelve ribs but divided by three, that’s four? Only that’s not right either because you’d have to multiply it all by two in which case Jonny’s share would be eight??? Ugh, so grim. Can’t it all just be ground into burger so as to avoid this entire rib discussion? I wonder how many ribs the chickens have. Individually, not collectively, that is.

    Liking the maths more than the anatomies,

  11. Gonna need more proof than that, Andy. “It is a wise child that knows his own father”, Homer tells us – and a very trusting father that knows his own kids…

  12. Richard says:

    I have a friend in Orkney who farms pigs and he’s got a couple going to slaughter in January. You’ll have plenty of room in the freezer by then…

  13. guyana gyal says:

    My brother once got an extra huge turkey by mistake, he said it was so much meat, they had to give away meat and even that didn’t help, they ended up throwing away some.

    Just to let you realize your mistake.

    But look on the bright side, it might be a really teeny little cow with just one rib.

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