I agree to purchase a cow.

I trot into the cottage to inform the LTLP. She will be delighted at the news.

“And where the fuck are we going to keep it?!?” she yells at me. Honestly – any psychologist will tell you: there is ‘practical,’ and there is ‘paralysed into total inaction by a pathologic need to raise silly objections about every little thing.’ Sometimes I think she tips over into the latter category.

Short Tony, Len the Fish and I have agreed to buy third shares in a cow, with the objective of saving money on beef. It is a smart scheme in this economic climate, the sort of idea that demonstrates clearly why Norfolk is thriving whilst Greece and Italy totter. Beef must be one of the major outgoings in this household, and if we can cut our beef bill then we will be in clover, as opposed to the cow.

“We will freeze it of course,” I reply.

We examine the freezer, which is a smallish one connected to our fridge. It is not like it is totally, absolutely, completely full. There is a bit of space between the sausage meat and the ‘Smarties’ ice creams (on offer), and the peas could probably be flattened out a bit.

“How big is a third of a cow?” asks the LTLP.

I am at a bit of a loss as to this. “Well a cow is…” I make a sort of cow sized shape by stretching out my arms and waving them out. She eyes the freezer with some scepticism.

“Don’t forget that a lot of animals are mainly fur, so are a lot smaller than they look,” I add.

Truth be told, the freezer has been badly packed, and will surely offer some more space following a reorganisation. In addition to that, the cow is not due for at least three weeks, and so there will be time to consume much of the contents therein. Not shopping for the next three weeks will save us shedloads, in addition to our cow steakholding.

If it is possible to close a fridge freezer with an ominous air, she does it.

“You will enjoy it when it arrives,” I insist.

27 Comments

  1. It could have been worse. You could have come home with some magic beans.

  2. When this cow is delivered will it come neatly divided into thirds or will you find it stood there mooing in your drive and you have to divide it yourselves?

  3. Hullo Snickelpants and welcome.

    b) is a kind of ‘welcome to my life’

  4. Just buy a nice big stand-alone freezer for all your oversized-carcass storage needs. LTLP will soon come around – you never know when the extra capacity might come in handy

  5. “Steakholding.” Heh. Very good, Jonny.

    If you need a hand, I butchered a cow once. Well, a hindquarter of one. I’ve butchered sheep and pigs though. Bricklaying isn’t my only hobby.

  6. Um, beef jerky perhaps? Strips of a third of a cow hung to dry in the kitchen wouldn’t upset anyone would they?

  7. I’m with snicklepants (and I realise what jocularity that opens me up to!) – you did actually ascertain it was a DEAD cow, didn’t you?

  8. So you’re not vegetarian then?

  9. It’s a sad, sad note on the economy when even cows have to privatize. What’s worse, I can’t help but think that that cow will look a bit silly hopping around Norfolk with only one leg. I hope you have all had a good think-tank on inexpensive but effective bovine prosthetics.

  10. Put it to the LTLP like this: unlike the baby she has recently (and selfishly) brought home, the cow that you bring home will gradually take up less space and taste delicious.

  11. Pretty harsh on the sproglet, there, spazmo. For all we know, babies taste like God’s own chicken…

  12. I’m having fun picturing the media frenzy that would ensue if God’s Own Chicken alighted in Jonny’s front yard.

  13. Oh dear, there is a problem with the cow already.

  14. That’s the problem with kids today. They don’t take the time to absorb the great classics of Western thought and art. By which I mean the I Love Lucy episode in which Lucy and Ethel decide to save money by buying meat in bulk.

    Figuring that a side of beef is probably as big as a side of bacon, they order two sides. When the men deliver the meat, Lucy puts it in the fridge freezer. Then on the counter, the kitchen table, and in the oven. When her kitchen is bursting at the seams with meat packages, one deliveryman says to the other, “OK, let’s go back and get the other side.” Hilarity ensues.

  15. You should have stuck with chickens you really should have.
    What’s more cows do not lay eggs.

  16. Haha – nice try John but I’m not falling for that one.

    Angie – is that true? I am just off to look on the Internet for it. This was a documentary, right?

  17. Jonny, the episode is titled “The Freezer”. I couldn’t find the whole thing on youtube, but here’s a synopsis.

    According to that synopsis, Lucy bought the meat for 69 cents a pound. That would be about $5.60/lb today.

  18. To start with I thought you were keeping a live cow – now there’s a thought?
    Fresh milk, cream and cheese would go down a treat with the fresh eggs!

  19. When you say there is a problem with the cow do you mean that there is a problem with the financial transaction you are undertaking or with the actual cow itself such as a truculent and uncow like attitude?

  20. I’m still giving away meat that we got for Eid!

    Why didn’t you all buy a cow, feed it free grass, milk it, sell milk, buy meat whenever you need meat with milk money?

  21. I loved this post so much that I mentioned it over at my place.

  22. bahahahahaha…reminds me when i bought a goat for my niece….well sorta…it was for an african village or some such thing via oxfam, but she couldnt get her head around it..’no,,,you bought them a present..not me…where’s my goat???’
    all i could show her was a picture of one and a happy looking african kid…
    she still reckons i owe her a goat…dunno where the hell its meant to live

  23. I will be really cross if it is some sort of charity thing and no actual cow turns up.

  24. That’s rather uncharitable of you, Jonny. I can see quite a few benefits if the cow doesn’t turn up and the need to have large barbecues throughout the winter for the entire village if it does.

  25. I bought Smarties icecream pots on offer too

  26. Peach: mince pies/brandy butter on offer this week. #offerwatch

  27. If you write it, they will come.

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