I stare at the open fridge, shaking my head at its beefy abundance. The immense joint looms over me, crowding the shelf, blocking the light. The other groceries look on resentfully.

I do not quite know whose idea it was to purchase so much beef for Valentine’s Day, especially since the LTLP is not eating much at the moment. I try to push past the beef to investigate lunch options, but it is stubborn and thwarts my progress. It is obstinate beef. I sigh, and make myself a beef sandwich.

The beef is still tasty and moist, as befits the best rib roasts. It is not as if I do not love beef sandwiches, but I have had a beef sandwich every day now since the year 47 b.c. and if I am not careful I will turn into a beef. The beef is lasting longer than a Robbie Williams medley although, to be fair, it displays fewer nervous tics.

I make my sandwich, liberally piling on the horseradish. I consider putting off the task of getting the beef back into the fridge, but I will have to do it sooner or later, so I wrap it back up in the foil and wrestle it into the scullery. The beef resists, but I eventually get it back on to the shelf and heave the fridge door shut with my shoulder, wedging a chair up against it until the bashing noises have ceased.

Returning to the kitchen, I place my sandwich upon a plate – one of the dainty floral ones that my Auntie Margery gave me. I catch sight of the car outside the kitchen window. I read somewhere that you could convert diesel engines to run on beef. (NB note to self it was either this or cooking oil, check before publishing).

If I could get the car to run on beef then that would solve quite a few problems, although I would have to be careful when driving further afield as there are not many butchers’ shops on the motorway network. (So far. It is new technology, and thus one of those paradoxes of supply and demand).

We would not have had to invade Iraq. Although Argentina would be an attractive target, again.

And Aberdeen would have its second oil boom. But with beef.

I should probably check whether it IS beef that you can convert your car to run on, and not cooking oil, before I get too excited. But the possibilities are awesome.

I eat my beef sandwich.

19 thoughts on “I am overwhelmed by beef.

  1. lindsay says:

    All I’m sayin’ is that you could probably freeze some beef. Also, margaritas make a pretty good lunch option.

  2. JonnyB says:

    But that would be merely displacing beef from fridge to freezer.

    Putting off the issue.


  3. You don’t need to worry about a network of butchers’ shops. Just drive off the hard shoulder into a field and take aim at the nearest cow.

    (NB You might want to fit some bull-bars to your Kia Ninky-Nonk.)

  4. What did I just say? What did I just say about you thinking things vs them being true? Seriously, I don’t know why I bother.

    If you tend to turn into things you eat a lot of, then the beef in your diet is the least of your problems. In fact, this being a family publication, I shall not get into detail as to what it is you must’ve been eating – but please, switch to salad instead…

  5. Pepperming Creams says:

    Congratulations x

  6. This post distresses me.

  7. kermit says:

    You’re missing an opportunity here. You could tell the LTLP that you should all go on the Atkins diet, which consists of nothing but beef (ok, technically just cutting out carbs altogether, so no bread).

    Alternatively, you could make beef stew and take it to the Village Pub (or somewhere similar) to sell it to the patrons. In exchange, you’ll most certainly get free beers

  8. Megan says:

    Beef stew indeed! – guinness + bit of beef stock + carrots + potatoes + onion + BEEF. Easy peasy.

    Beef stroganoff – beef broth + cognac + mushrooms + pepper + cream + mustard + egg noodles + BEEF. Couldn’t be simpler.

    Honestly, letting a bit of beef get the best of you in these modern times. It’s sad really.

  9. Sam says:

    Can’t you throw it all out when the LTLP isn’t looking?

    Throw it in a pond and cause some excitement in the village in 8 months’ time when someone finds it and thinks it’s a bit of leg.

  10. Brennig says:

    You can run your car on cooking oil. But beef? No. If you really have that much beef you can recycle it as fuel in your light aircraft. If you have a light aircraft. But not a microlight. You need chicken for that.

  11. kermit says:

    to be fair, brennig, if you have that much beef you have an entire cow. some of them are docile enough to be trained to push your car down the road/highway, but it makes for a very bumpy ride. plus i’m not sure the department of motor vehicles would consider it terribly legal.

  12. I am puzzled by the title of this blog. Beef is not an overwhelming meat. Beef is produced (possibly unwillingly) by strictly vegetarian animals.

    Now CAT would have been overwhelming. A massive slab of cat in your fridge would make you think twice about opening the door late at night.

  13. Z says:

    Like Peppermint Creams, I can’t help speculating about the LTLP not eating much at the moment.

    A lot of leftover beef is no problem at all. I can effortlessly deal with huge chunks of the stuff. The first thing to do is to make a big chunky sandwich with plenty of horseradish (a recipe you have already cracked) The next day have it cold, thinly sliced, with salad. After that, you have to deal with the rest of the joint. Take all the meat off the bone, put chunks of fat aside to render down (you can mix the resultant lard with seeds and stuff for birds if you don’t want to eat it). Put the bitty bits on one side to mince for cottage pie. Cut the rest into slices or chunks and make into casseroles or whatever. If there’s too much to eat this week, freeze them. Don’t freeze the chunk of meat or you will never eat it.

    If it’s all too much bother, mince the lot and make several cottage pies and freeze them. You can never have too many cottage or shepherd’s pies, especially if you have plenty of ketchup to hand. If you can’t bear the thought of already-prepared food in the freezer and like to cook everything from scratch every night, ring up a few friends and have an impromptu party in the Jeffrey Archer manner – I’d recommend beer or red wine rather than Krug, however.

    I hope you made stock from the bones.

    Bloglines updated, thank you.

  14. vic says:

    beef as chicken food? or is that immoral?

    I think you should pursue the car thing, I look forward to that story.

  15. JoAnne says:

    I am never overwhelmed by beef. Well..once there was – but no, not really. It was a lot to deal with, yes, but I just closed my eyes and thought of Argentina. I was a bit sore the next day but I managed.

  16. guyana gyal says:

    You can run the car on cooking oil, not that I’ve tried it with ours, my mother might not be happy.

    I think scientists are experimenting with some kind of gas, not gasolene, but the gas produced by animals. Maybe if you ate a lot of beef…no, that is too unladylike, I will not talk about it…

    Why isn’t the LTLP eating much these days?

  17. JonnyB says:

    Why thank you Pepperming!!!

    I have been away for a couple of hours and am catching up on the beef. Most of it is in the freezer now. It means I don’t have any room for any ready meals, ice cubes, body parts etc but otherwise it would have gone a bit lively.

  18. Not as lively as some of those body parts you no longer have room for, Jonny. As any more experienced serial killer could tell you, never “harvest” anyone with a hyper-active thyroid, unless you want to spend all night chasing it around the kitchen with a hammer…

  19. ellie says:

    Do chickens eat beef?

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