“I feel a little violated,” admits Short Tony.

“It wasn’t you then?” I enquire.

“No. I’d have needed to ask what buttons to press and all that.”

I’ve been writing this for almost six years now. Occasionally, funny things happen. Bizarre, flattering, alarming, lavish or just plain barking mad things. Like Simon from Hungary’s bizarre Private Secret Diary lawnmowing stunt (sorry – can’t find the exact link). Or the mind-boggling A-Level Mock Exam incident.

I can’t recall anything that would have taken anybody so much time as this.

“It definitely wasn’t you?”

“Definitely not.”

“I don’t know whether to be pleased, or go on the witness protection scheme.”

[Travel reportage fans do not fear, I shall be continuing ‘Across Tennessee. By Kia’ very shortly, where I will detail how I discovered the REAL America.]

Dolly's Childhood House

18 Comments

  1. well, congratulations on your ability to attract such creative stalkers. [me jealous. me want creative stalkers]

  2. “Creative” is one way to describe it. “Morbidly obsessive” would also be accepted.

    Since his/her archive goes back to 2004, that leaves me off the list of stalker-suspects. I didn’t discover Jonny until well after the Friendly Builder business.

  3. How unnerving for Short Tony. Have you been outed in the village too? Surely your fellow residents didn’t read your diary up until now?

  4. It sounds very Ivan to me. Casting no aspersions, you understand.

  5. If it helps any, someone (not me) linked to that blog on your Facebook Appreciation Society – that’s where I found it. I thought you already knew about it, but wasn’t sure.

  6. Maybe this is the real Short Tony, and it’s the man you see every day that’s the imposter. Or it’s the LTLP.

  7. I think it’s the baby.

  8. My money’s on the LTLP.

  9. Not guilty, I’m afraid! Who has the time, after all? I reckon it’s one of Jonny’s comedian buddies, seeing as (a) the culprit obviously has way too much time on their hands and (b) it isn’t all that funny, truth be told.

    Mind you, that’s not to say I don’t see value in it. For a start, Jonny will never get into the States again, ever. Thanks to the ersatz Short Tony, he’s associated with enough terroristy keywords to keep him permanently flagged up on the NSA supercomputer. That might have been the whole point, come to think of it…

  10. Brilliant! And it might not have been started all that long ago – after all, Blogger lets you put whatever date and time you like on your posts.

    I hope the Short Tony imposter isn’t forced to go into hiding now that the blaze of publicity has found him…

  11. ajb, my first thought was ‘Ivan’ too.

    Ivan, your protestations of innocence are quite weak. Do I also detect an air of smugness? Are you really sure it wasn’t you?

  12. My first reaction was, Ivaaaaan!

    But he says no.

    Besides, this person is obviously in love with you.

    That’s the thing one I don’t like about Blogger though, that a person can plunk down any date and time on posts.

  13. “Those good sorts at the FBI have layed on a top-of-the-range Hummer for us.”

    Layed?

  14. I also suspected Ivan. But I will take him at his word, like a true Englishman. Kermit has to be in the frame also, as the person who discovered the body.

    GG: “This person is obviously in love with you”

    Look – we are trying to narrow it down here.

  15. I have always believed that Ivan is JonnyB’s alter ego…

  16. …so this was JonnyB writing as Ivan pretending to be Short Tony?

  17. I think it’s JonnyB, ‘Short Tony’ is his far less sexy Tabitha Gnillort.

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