“If your erection lasts for longer than four hours then contact your doctor.”

Across Tennessee. By Kia.

I switch off the television set.

Then I switch it back on again, to double check what I am hearing. It is startling. We do not have advertisements like this in Britain, not even on Sky Sports 3.

Personally, if I have an erection that lasts for longer than four hours, then I will not contact my doctor. I will contact all my mates.

US television is utterly technically inept. The picture is rubbish, the graphics are Clive Sinclair-standard, they regularly cut away accidentally from the end of bits they shouldn’t cut away from, or leave long pauses where the producer presumably should have done something. This ineptitude partially explains why many people think the content itself is useless. Whereas we have stuff like Jeremy Kyle, and ‘Meanwhile, a man in Hull…’ local news.

I find it disconcerting, but I can appreciate that it is probably a Good Thing to maturely and openly address the medical condition concerned. I switch the television off once more and go down to breakfast.

“There is an ad about having a stiffy for four hours!!!” I hiss at the LTLP, over a bizarre parallel-universe type breakfast.

They do not have normal things like black pudding in Tennessee. Instead, they eat scones with their bacon and eggs, covering them with weak mushroom soup.

“Would you like to try some of my grits?”

“No.”

“That is the right answer.”

I accept the proffered free refill of coffee – the reason that America is such a great nation – and lean back in my chair. The tickets nestle safely in my pocket – the time approaches to take my family to the very heart and soul of the USA.

“Today,” I tell the Toddler importantly, drawing her grandly in to the conversation. “Is our big day. I hope you will remember this day for years to come. It is time to see the birthplace of a nation.”

We finish our breakfast and set off for Dollywood.

18 Comments

  1. Oh hello

    erm ive lurked for a number of years

    as there were no comments thougth i’d finally leave one and be first too!

    Love the blog by the way…

  2. first ever comment and i make a spelling mistake … typical

  3. You don’t get free coffee refills at breakfast in Britain?! Such a shame.

  4. Oh the four-hour-erection ones are only part of our advert fun. What about the woman who goes about on crowded city streets buttonholing strangers and demanding to know about their colons? What about the hideous young man who wants to save your soul with expensive towels and odd kitchen tools? What about that totally frightening family that sit around wearing fleece monk costumes and ‘raising the roof’ in a terrifyingly incompetent and strangely offensive manner? Four-hour-erections are nothing I tell you…

    …well, except in Dollywood where they are a Very Good Thing Indeed.

  5. black pudding is NOT normal 😉 you primitives!

  6. An advert for viagra then?

  7. Grits are like pancakes and rice – they are a delivery system. If you didn’t put butter and salt on your grits, then you have missed the point. Also, biscuits and gravy are bad. Biscuits and sausage gravy, well, then you’ll understand.

    Please! Do not judge the Southern breakfast on a hotel breakfast.

  8. Calling your mates when you have an erection is a sure way to have fewer mates, Jonny. Hard to imagine in your case, but felt it only right to warn you.

    Not that a four-hour erection is ever likely to be a problem for you. Generally four minutes is about your mark, seeing as you insist on treating sexual intercourse as a race. Tho’ to be fair you are often up against the clock – the LTLP is getting both immune to the drugs and pretty good at wriggling out of the restraints…

  9. Oh Jonny, what will this do for your Google rating?

  10. Will you have a four hour hard on at Dollywood? It is a risk!

  11. Geeze, of all the places to see in the States, you went to Dollywood? Where in the world did you even hear of it? And grits? Meh. Biscuits however-fabulous.

  12. Ivan, you seem to have a very intimate knowledge of Jonny’s man functions.

  13. Would that be girl mates or boy mates?

  14. Know the writings, know the man – it’s elementary, my dear Richard…

  15. Hullo Louise and welcome to the comments box!!! It is always interesting what brings people out from the woodwork.

    No Jared. Free coffee is what makes America great. America has free coffee. We have individual and tightly-regulated sachets of salad creme. I realise that the economics are different. But free coffee to me is the pot of gold at the end of the cultural rainbow.

  16. @Jared

    You can if you breakfast at Ikea!

    Ahem, so I’ve heard anyway.

  17. I’d have bet money that sexually frank ads were more prevalent in Britain than in Dixie. Or Dolly, in this case.

    Our current cable package lets me watch UK channels that feature the most explicit content imaginable (outside the Hustler Network) under the guise of “educational” lifestyle programming. Throbbing members and POV-vagina-cams abound. I find myself blushing furiously in dismay at this shockingly vulgar trend in English propriety.

    And yet, try as I may, I cannot look away…

  18. Never mind Viagra. Whatever you do DON’T drink V or vampire blood. You will be sorry.

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