I arrange toilet training.

Things that have kept me away from the computer – #1 in a series of 945722572.

Wee.

Wee lakes, gathering in the shallow depressions on the leather sofa. Wee cascading down onto the floor, first a waterfall then a steady drip, drip, drip. Pools of wee on the oak floorboards, reflecting the light of the TV screen in a mirror of wee; finding the gaps and joins in the wood with unerring wee accuracy.

Wee on my hands, wee on my socks. Small trousers soaked in wee, pants that comprise 23% pant and 77% wee. Tiny footprints of wee dotting the parts of the floor that are otherwise weeless. The ‘Review’ bit of the newspaper boasting a new ‘wee’ section, a golden-showered dolly with a glistening leg of wee, drips of wee in a dvd case, fingermarks of wee on the coffee table.

“I’ve done a wee, daddy,” explains the Toddler.

Between the cushions on the sofa is a large crack where biscuit crumbs and other assorted food collects. This now contains an interesting looking type of wee soup, which is particularly resistant to my efforts with the kitchen roll. I have used up so much kitchen roll in the past two weeks that ‘Bounty’ are going to present me with an award. Outstanding contribution to the kitchen roll market.

As far as I can tell, being a Toddler is like being pissed all the time – you occasionally walk into things, you come out with odd sentence constructions, and although you’re desperately apologetic when you wee yourself, you’re not actually much practical help in clearing it up. I chuck the dripping clothes in the washing machine, which gives me a ‘not again’ type look. The awards people from Persil phone.

I am not sure that I am very good at the father business thing. I am rubbish on the patience front, and I am too selfish to happily spend my life doing things to benefit other people. Oddly enough, the wee-clearing-up thing is no problem, however. Sometimes things are so spectacularly ghastly that you get a kick out of sorting them out.

I zip upstairs for new clothes. Most of the wee is mopped, courtesy of Bounty. I will check later on, and go over any sticky bits with some cleaning stuff. The Toddler is happy.

38 Comments

  1. Does the Toddler have a potty? Just a thought, rather than peeing everywhere.

  2. Blimey, you’re seriously chasing Google juice with those two opening paragraphs…!

    But just remember: in fifty years’ time, The Toddler might get to return the favour.

  3. Dude, my thoughts are with you at this difficult time. I’ve just survived six hours on a French TGV with a one-year-old barfing all over me relentlessly. The four-year-old and three-year-old thought it was hilarious until they got bored and started dismantling the train and throwing their lunch around. Then one of them decided to have a crap in their pants.

    I stumbled off the train looking like I’d barely survived an explosion in a bad custard factory, hair slick with vomit and a wild glint in my eye.

    Needless to say, Anglo-French relations in the Avignon area are at an all time low.

  4. Have they no training nappies there? Or are you doing the Chinese-style toilet training out of concern for the environment?

    Because all that wee…

    Well, that will keep the bothersome neighbors away, likely.

  5. Aaaaah – sweet! They grow up so fast, don’t they? Before you know it she’ll be doing poos too, and won’t that be an entertaining first paragraph?

    Leather sofa, oak floorboards, references to a certain tiresomely PC broadsheet – OK, OK, we get the picture, Jonny. Your elegant abode would force the House Invaders to retire, baffled and humiliated, for lack of things to do. Spare us the follow-ups about the wee on the Aga, the wee on piano, and the wee on the New Labour conference invites…

  6. my neice has just discovered that making ‘urrrrggggggg hmmmmm uuuurrrrgggg’ noises when she goes for a poo makes adults chuckle.

  7. ‘Wee on my hands, wee on my socks.’

    I believe there’re specialist websites to help you with this problem.

  8. You need incontinent pads Jonny!

  9. It could be worse. It could be solids.
    Just a thought to console you with!
    (She says smugly as the Mum of teens whose potty training days are a distant memory – thank God!)

  10. So how do you think the training is going so far?

  11. “As far as I can make out, being a Toddler is like being pissed all the time.” THIS explains EVERYTHING. Some of them are happy drunks, some are mean ones — yup. Toddlerhood in a nutshell!

    Re: the wee. Hearken unto these words of advice from a Potty Training Expert*: Give it up. Wait a month or two. That level of non-potty peeing? The child is not ready.

    *My credentials: Run a daycare; have three training toddlers at the moment. I have seen… um… 40? 50? of them through the process. (It’s a wild life, but someone’s got to do it.)

  12. I almost read Naga’s comment as:

    “Wee on my cock.”

    Which would be shocking and wrong. Shockingly wrong.

  13. Sympathy. My son is currently enjoying a life of wee related incidents and actually managed to wee down my cleavage the other week when I was in a strange loo trying to stop him from falling down the u-bend. I do believe that being covered in the excrement of small children is very good for the skin though. My kids were smothered in it most of the time and they have flawless complexions.

  14. Sooner or later, if you rely on the Bounty, all that wee is going to really hum! Then you will be thanking all that you deify for Febreeze. Start looking for the BOGOFs now!
    Oh, and to echo other comments, haven’t you got a potty?

  15. Do we have a wee problem here?

  16. Bounty? What’s wrong with Mars bars?

  17. And this is why pre-school teachers ALWAYS wash their hands after they help little boys tie up their shoes.

    They don’t tend to have good aim at that age.

    Hopefully that does improve?

  18. My son arrived home to find poo on his front step. The two year old left it as a gift, I guess.

  19. You only have to mention small childrens’ toiletry issues, and all the women leave a comment; all the men are “no, no, you’re on your own, there, mate, nothing to do with me!”

  20. The toilet training isn’t going to well with our pet cow, Big Pinkie, either. You have my sympathy.

  21. I believe AndyB has it in a nutshell there…

    Hullo Katyboo1 and welcome!!!

    I will get my revenge when I am in my eighties.

  22. At least she’s not a boy Jonny. They wee in your face as you bend over them. Such fun!
    I treasure your wee soup.

  23. Welcome to my world!! I am also potty training my 2 year old. She has had it sussed for the last 4 weeks but today… She has obviously taken a dislike to each pair of trousers I’ve changed in to. At least it saves mopping the floor and washing down the furniture so I guess I should thank her for her consideration of weeing all over my lap.

  24. Well done to the Toddler! We’re doing this too! No accidents today, I am told (yes, AndyB, one more woman…). Well done, obviously, not for the wees, but for succeeding in holding them in until that minute when they did, unfortunately come out… Or congratulations on the few times when it did happen on the potty (toilet, wherever)… Or congratulations on tomorrow whe, surely, surely there will be one wee pool less???
    “Bon Courage”, JonnyB, and keep up the good work

  25. Golly – hullo Pisohe and Nadia and welcome (sorry if I’ve missed anyone).

    AndyB is DEFINITELY right. In fact I think weeing children might be the new chickens, on the ‘site marketing’ front. *makes note*

  26. *rethinks toilet-training schedule; adds extra nappies to tomorrows shopping list*

    you’re retarding my childs development.

    “the toddler is happy”
    happy ‘i’ve-just-done-a-really-good-wee’ happy, or happy ‘i’ve-just-done-a-wee-on-the-couch-again-hahahahaha!’ happy?
    because you might want to keep an eye on that, as it’s being going on for a few weeks now.

  27. I have to say that the title of this particular blog is a little misleading. There doesn’t seem to be much training going on……

  28. BTW: don’t be tempted to leave her for hours on the potty; that way lies rectal prolapse.

  29. Wait till the toddler has an upset tummy! Back to nappies for a while perhaps? Could start to smell like a public loo what with all the wee in all those crevices in floorboards and so on! Definitely get some beach going.

  30. If she’s anything like my dog, you really need to get rid of the smell. If she sniffs where she’s been before….

  31. Hey another thought, you’re lucky the Toddler isn’t a boy. I remember when mine were little, i’d bung them on their changing mat, undo nappy and almost without fail, they would do a wee. Yup! You could almost tell it was coming in your direction (upwards) as they would usually have a little sly smile on their faces! If you’ve seen the recent advert on TV (for what I have no idea) of the boy baby spraying everything in site, that about sums up the situation!! Boys, who’d hav ’em!

  32. If being a toddler is like being drunk, the teenage years must be the hangover.

    So you’ve still got that to look forward to.

  33. Wasn’t Bounty the matronly woman from How ?

    Bit of Jack Hargreaves would be much better…

  34. Wee- the lesser of four evils.

  35. I’d like a cheap kitchen dinette set for two please. 9pm – in the name of Mr.Happy and Mrs.Snappy. Thank you.

    Could I also pre-order a large Monkfish to share.

  36. On second thoughts. Monkfish is such a big ugly fish. Just aswell I’ve something in the freezer.

  37. LOL, what a story,

    yes a potty was in order!

    I hope you are through the process by now, if not, google ‘my wee friend’ – they are great fun!

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