I am approached at the Pork Butcher’s!!!

“Have you ever thought of being on TV?”

I blink at the question, and turn to the Pork Butcher. He blinks also, but I am not sure whether this is due to the question or whether it is because that people blink all the time.

The girl is quite foxy, probably in her twenties, and has sidled up to me. It was definitely a sidle – certainly it was on the sidle side of walking. To be honest, I am a bit flummoxed. I am not used to being chatted up by foxy twenty-something girls, whether in front of Pork Butchers or not, and I appear to have lost the capacity to know what to say. I stare beseechingly at a rolled shoulder for rescue, but it just sits there impassively. That is the problem with meat. It is no help in a situation such as this.

My mind races. If she wants to have sex with me, then the best place would probably be behind the Vegetable Delivery Man (with a beard)’s stall. We get along very well and I am sure he wouldn’t mind nipping off for a coffee for ten minutes as long as she promised that she would not do anything revolting with the jerusalem artichokes. I am pleased with my idea, which I managed all on my own without the counsel of any meat whatsoever. No wonder people just eat it and do not appoint it to advisory bodies.

“It’s ITV’s ‘Britain’s Best Dish,'” she explains, spoiling things a bit. “I’m from ITV. Do you cook at all? I see you’re buying lots of good ingredients.”

Boooooooo – she is not picking me up at all. She wants me to be on her television show. Boooooo, boooooo and triple boooooo. I make vague noises about not really being a reality television type of person.

“Do you have a signature dish at all?” she persists. It is odd. I cannot help but be flattered by her interest. I obviously look quite televisual in her eyes. Obviously it is ITV so they are not looking for cooking ability in the slightest, but want people who will grab the housewives and melt them with a rogueish twinkle of an eye. This might be my thing after all. She then spoils it a bit by mentioning that she’s just asked the elderly Pork Butcher, who has turned her down.

I say that I will think about it, take some details, and don’t. They get you on to these things with a combination of promised stardust and ego-flattery, and I am not falling for it. Later on, I pass the details on to Short Tony and Len the Fish, with some promised stardust and ego-flattery, but they do not fall for it.

29 Comments

  1. Hullo everybody!!! The toddler has been a bit poorly, which is why I was away last week. It is difficult to write anything whilst you have a whimpering Toddler on your lap and you are watching ‘In the Night Garden’ for the 129237234052525th time.

    Normal service, ect ect ect.

  2. You mean you’re not already in some kind of reality TV show?

  3. *searches for hidden cameras*

  4. I do hope she’s back toddling. Children do that thing with their eyes and their whimpering and stuff and it stops the world. If they were born with beards and fat bellies the world would be a simpler place.

    be honest, what you’re really saying, Jonny, is that you can’t actually cook anything. My signature dishes involve adulterating convenience foods where possible and Delia’s got that market nicely covered.

  5. “no counsel of meat whatsoever”..the 5th grader in me wants to say something regarding that statement, however I am trying to remain an adult.. I may have to come back later in disguise.

  6. what about chicken?

  7. ah, i think i know this show. Is it the one where members of the public go on tv and provide an hour of cheap entertainment and in exchange have their dreams shattered by a professional who insults their efforts in the style of a pantomime villain?

    I think it clashes with eggheads so you won’t have seen it.

  8. I am so relieved that it was only a poorly toddler (obviously better now, so safe to be relieved about it) and not a dastardly chicken plot.

    When can you send me some fresh eggs?

  9. Glad to hear Toddler is on the mend. I’ve never been approached in a pork butchers before, does it hurt?

  10. Do you have a butchers for every meat ie: a beef butchers or is that why you’ve got your own chickens, they only sell pork in your neck of the woods?

  11. I can’t believe you are the sort of man who would contemplate the equivalent of the back of the bike sheds. I am very disquieted and may have to go and lie down.
    How could you Jonny?

  12. And for only ten minutes?

    Even the great Paulo Coehlo reckoned the minimum was 11 minutes or am I getting confused…
    It was all so much safer reading about chickens and spotting typos.

    Now your toddler is better are you going to pay me a visit? Julesritter.com

  13. That pork butcher is fab though, can’t be beaten. The crackling from their pork joints is MUCH better than that from supermarket meat.

    I’ve never seen anyone sidling in there though. But I did see Juggling Jim coming out of there once.

    By the way, you should go to Chicken Day at Harvey’s Garden Plants on 10 May, an open day for chicken owners, and ideal for beginners and experts apparently. Right up your passageway.

  14. Chicken day!!! There is a chicken day!!!

    I shall have to get them a card. But they have no letterbox.

    Pork Butchers – at the market. Near the beef butchers. And – shudder – chicken butchers, although they sell other things as well, such as pork.

  15. My goodness I must live in a very backwards town where the one butcher sells all meat. I’m off to Norfolk in June I must scour the butchers and see which is better.

  16. I will spend the afternoon perfecting my sidle. I think it’s already quite good as just a few minutes ago two gentlemen in a pick up truck leaned out the window and called me, “Mamacita.” There might have been some grunting involved as well but as they are gentlemen I will assume not and figure it was inadvertent throat-clearing.

  17. Not sure I understand your obiter dictum regarding jerusalem artichokes, Jonny. To my mind, the single most revolting thing you can do with one of those is eat it, which presumably would not upset the VDM greatly. Provided of course that you did the gentlemanly thing and paid for it afterwards…

  18. I would hope, Jonny, that if you were to come up with a super signature dish you would choose to share it with your private secret fans in a generous gesture of goodwill before running off to stardom.

  19. Couldn’t you have russled up some sort of chicken dish up for the lass?

  20. Butchers, I remember them.

    *old fool goes all misty-eyed.*

  21. It intrigues me the way butchers seem to have divaricated up your end, Jonny.

    I can’t help but picture some sort of Mason-like Butchers Guild holding clandestine meetings in a secret room under the priory – discussing the finer points of wax paper, hatching nefarious plots against the League of Vegetable Deliverymen, ect ect.

  22. All my eggs are now gone.

    But this is a good thing.

    You should have offered up a Norfolk Cottage Pie.

  23. I’m told it’s really hard work being a tv researcher nowadays. Not only do you have to do an inordinate amount of sidling, but everyone you approach has either already been on tv or would never dream of it.

  24. I’ve never been on TV!¬)

    Send your research north, I’ll do it, no really, I will and you don’t even have to pay me!

    Too needy…?

  25. There is an Elderly Pork Butcher as well as a Pork Butcher?

    Just how much meat do you people eat in Norfolk?

    Your 5 a day should be fruit and veg, not rolled shoulders and home-made sausages?

  26. Oh you’re so fickle, only yesterday you were going on about the Vegetable Delivery Girl! Out of sight, out of mind, eh?

  27. Is being approached for sex by foxy 20-something females what goes on at the Pork Butcher?

    It’s not enough to make me an ex-vegetarian but it’s an interesting phenomenon I’d like to study. Why wasn’t I aware of this when I was writing my thesis?

  28. I think there’s some misunderstanding. The Pork Butcher doesn’t sell “only” pork. There’s also ham. And gammon. And pies (pork pies admittedly).

  29. I will not have a thing said against Jerusalem Artichokes. They are the king of root vegetables, unless you are a pretentious idiot and make soup with them.

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