The LTLP sits upright in bed.

“What was that?” she demands.

“Felt like an earthquake,” I reply.

Despite living in a cottage that has been partially rebuilt by the Methodical Builder, I am not unduly alarmed. The experience is interesting and unusual, but I don’t think that it is the end of the world or the beginnings of a Russian nuclear attack. Everybody knows that the official advice should we be in danger of nuclear annihilation is to grab the nearest woman and make love to her vigorously, and I cannot believe that the Russians would be so heartless as to launch their plans at 1 a.m. when I am in bed with the LTLP.

Nevertheless I am a bit disappointed in the morning when there are not huge great cracks in the road that leads through the Village, and all essential services seem to be working tolerably. The BBC has set up a service whereby people who think it’s important to text that they heard a rumble then perhaps looked outside to see what was happening can do so, their texts being displayed upon a special web page. This seems an excellent idea to stop such people breeding for five minutes or so. But otherwise the country seems to be functioning normally.

As a child I remember being strangely disappointed that Britain did not have earthquakes or floods or hurricanes like in places like South America; clearly as an adult my views have moved on from there. But South America does not have Strategic HR Initiatives or the Jeremy Kyle show, so who is to say which place is worse off?

I plan to walk to the Village Shop shortly; I shall be disappointed if the pork pies have not got through. We have not had such excitement round here for a long time. I will look forward to telling the Village Shop Man that I heard a rumbling noise – I will be annoyed if he trumps my story by having heard the rumbling noise AND looked outside.

38 thoughts on “There is a minor earth tremor!!!

  1. Rog. says:

    I can appreciate your disappointment at not experiencing earthquakes and hurricanes, Jonny. As I child I always wanted to spend Christmas in hospital, being brought presents by Noel Edmonds. Never happened.

  2. Mujja says:

    “The BBC has set up a service whereby people who think it’s important to text that they heard a rumble then perhaps looked outside to see what was happening can do so, their texts being displayed upon a special web page. This seems an excellent idea to stop such people breeding for five minutes or so”

    The BBC seems to be more than doing its bit in this regard you can’t move for people giving their opinions and details of their uninteresting experiences on every available forum.

    Very funny post though…still chuckling

  3. Mr Wibble says:

    I tell you; the radio stations here in London are all a fluster regarding the tremors felt by many of their listeners. Phew, eh? I do have some shocking images of the devastation if any one should care to view them. *cough*

    Stay safe Jonny.

  4. JonnyB says:

    There are some great comedy reactions here:

    My favourite is the jiffy bag one.

  5. Poor LTLP. She’s obviously unfamiliar with the sensation of the earth moving for her…

  6. Essy says:

    That explains why all the blokes in our office want to sit at the desk next to Linda aka “The big easy”. In case the Ruskies attack during the day.

  7. Bob the Bolder says:

    I was in bed with my wife.

    The earth moved last night, and there was an aftershock this morning.

    As usual, in fact.

  8. Linda says:

    I had no idea England could have earthquakes. I was really surprised to find that France is full of faults all over the place and that we had to have earthquake proof buildings in Provence. I was in a 6.1 earthquake once in California. By the time I realized what it was, it was over. Very strange to have the earth move like that under you. I don’t know which is worse-earthquakes or tornados-I lived in Texas too.

  9. NAGA - Shaken, Not Stirred says:

    I feel the earth move under my feet
    I feel the sky tumbling down..

    And the windows shook so much that my cats ran away.

  10. Ziv Catbee says:

    Everyone should feel their house rumble from time to time. It always comes on the news and BOOM you have your 15 minutes of fame.

  11. nick_fish says:

    I was grateful for being woken by the earthquake as I had fallen asleep with the bedside light on whilst reading. I was able to switch off the light and go back to sleep. As I often fall asleep with the light on I am hoping for more earthquakes to lower my electricity bill and extend the life of the light bulb.

  12. Duck says:

    I am totally Mrs Smug this morning, having heard and felt nothing. I always claimed I could sleep through an earthquake, a nuclear bomb or an alien invasion and now I’ve proved it.

    On the first count at least.

    Bring it on Ruskies.

  13. Megan says:

    I can trump that. Heard a very loud concussiony type thing AND felt a tremor (but knew it wasn’t an earthquake because this was Alaska and we know all about earthquakes in Alaska. And bear poop. We know about that too) and I glanced out of the window – across the room, not getting up mind you and roundly cursed the neighbor for getting drunk and backing into my house. Wasn’t until the next day when I went out to examine the siding that I learned it was a meteor exploding in the atmosphere. At least it wasn’t the Russians. The nearest female was my dog. Isn’t there some alternate instruction for women?

  14. Léonie says:

    On the radio this morning the news person said “it wasn’t quite on the same scale as the quake that caused the tsunami, although a woman in Birmingham was treated for a suspected panic attack.”

  15. ewe_are_here says:

    heh heh

    It woke me up… so I told my husband to stop shaking the bed, which woke him up… and then I realized what it was. So I went back to sleep.

    It lasted quite a while here…. but didn’t phase me beyond ‘noticing’ it because I grew up in earthquake country: California. We lived on faultlines…. crazy shaking sometimes!

  16. nuttycow says:

    I’m disappointed. In a gin-induced stupor I missed the whole thing.

  17. Sarah says:

    Hmm…so, apparently, there this earthquake thing down in Englandshire…

  18. MB says:

    I heard that it was felt in London!

    That means it’ll be a national disaster. I’m surprised the BBC hasn’t already started a telethon to help all those in Kensington who had a perfectly good nights sleep ruined.

  19. Rufus S Later says:

    I sit upright in bed.

    “What was that” I demand.

    “mphlsfgl” says Mrs Rufus asleep under the duvet.

    “Oh” … I return to sleep.

    (I blame the government.)

  20. JonnyB says:

    The LTLP has just returned from London – she says that the Standard billboards read ‘London Rocked by Quake’.

    Is this the case? The liars.

  21. i didn’t feel a thing. All the exciting stuff happens on your bit.

  22. Eddie 2-Sox says:

    Ladies And Gentlemen, this stop is Hypocrisy Central.

    Demeaning people reporting their own experience of the earthquake, on a blog reporting your own experience of the earthquake?

    Can we have another snooker update please? Leave the World news to GMTV.

  23. sooz says:

    I was fine and ‘rolly eyed’ about all this ‘tremor’ nonsense.
    Then my parents told me how they felt the quake and now I feel oddly cheated!
    I’m a light sleeper usually. Bloody missed it!

  24. Eddie 2-Sox says:

    And. AND!

    There’s no whisper of an earthquake relief fund from Pakistan or Indonesia. Or rescue teams, or sniffer dogs, or chimney repair crews. The jack bastards.

  25. JonnyB says:

    Hmmm. Yes. I am like the BBC when it sends cameras to record the paparazzi scrum.

    Booooooooo I am a hypocrite.

  26. Knit Nurse says:

    Absolutely true about the Evening Substandard billboards. They just hate to be left out of anything! No-one I know in London felt anything, but in my home town Up North, my mum’s friend’s wardrobe door fell off! Trump that, you lot!

  27. Léonie says:

    And in last night’s ground-breaking news: a woman stubbed her toe in Lutterworth! a cow was momentarily distracted by a shrub in Dewsbury! a man got the words wrong to Belinda Carlisle’s eighties hit Heaven Is A Place On Earth in a shop just outside Swindon!

    This country is out of control.

  28. GingerBollox says:

    If an earthquake falls over in the woods and nobody is around to hear it, does it still make a noise?

  29. Pat says:

    When I was a child we had air- raids and we kids longed to be refugees (evacuees only change towns – refugees go to America)But alas we were back of beyond and had evacuees dumped on us with their nits and scabies.

    Did you think to look out for the tsunami?

  30. Sarah P says:

    Just spent the last two days reading all the entries and have decided that Jonny B is Wilt from Tom Sharpe’s novels. It’s uncanny really, I wonder if he can get any money from it (Jonny that is not Tom Sharpe he’s got quite enough already)….

    Apart from that hilarious reading and will be sure to keep checking in.

  31. Pat says:

    Now a gas explosion? Is someone out to get you?

  32. NAGA - Shaken, Not Stirred says:

    Obviously a build up of trapped wind.

    Try a little gripe water next time.

  33. JonnyB says:

    Hullo Sarah P and welcome. Stalker! Stalker!

    I am not this Wilt man. People keep making wild guesses about my private secret identity. It is bizarre.

    There was no earthquake last night, but the Toddler fell out of bed.

  34. Sarah P says:

    Sorry to dissapoint but I am far too lazy to become a stalker. Plus night vision goggles won’t fit in my handbag.

    You should read a couple of the Wilt novels, I’m sure at some point Tom Sharpe has met you and used you to create this character, maybe he is reading the diary and getting material for a new book!

  35. Léonie says:

    Sarah P that is quite an unflattering comparison!

  36. Sarah P says:

    Certainly didn’t mean it to be, they just both seem to get in bizzare situations out of normal events.

  37. Sarannalf says:

    thanks much, brother

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