I am excited about going to Brighton.

It is one of those vibrant places that makes you feel about ten years younger, plus I will be able to make calls on my mobile there without people poking fun. The breeze draws in off the English Channel. It is bracing and refreshing, just as it is bracing and refreshing to be nailed to an Alp whilst Mary Archer empties a box of Mini Milks down the inside of your teeshirt.

“What do you fancy for lunch?” asks my host. “We should have something that you can’t get in Norfolk. Like something foreign.”

I do not rise to the jibe. Clearly they have not heard that there is a kebab house that now delivers to the Village. I give a long groan of overindulgence.

“Something healthy,” I complain. I have come straight from a few days at the LTLP’s parents. “I feel desperately fat and unhealthy. I’ve been eating and drinking constantly. Roast dinners. Pies. Cider. Wine. Just something healthy. Nothing deep fried, nothing stodgy, nothing in batter, no alcohol.”

I am pointed towards a sushi bar, which I quickly discount. Ten minutes later we are sat in ‘Momma Cherri’s Soul Food Shack,’ ordering plates of fried chicken, ribs, meatballs and jambalaya, to be washed down with bottles Moosehead beer.

Why? Why do I do it? Why?!? Staggering back to the station later on, I find I have to run for the train. This does not go well, and several passengers look at my red and sweating face with alarm.

I still refuse to join Short Tony, Len the Fish etc. at Weightwatchers, although I do like the sound of the fact that they all meet afterwards at the chippy over the road to boast about who has lost the most weight. But I am gradually getting fat. I am eating unhealthily, drinking too much, I have not gone running for months and it is still a couple of months before the bowls season starts.

I need to do something. But where will I find the willpower?

23 thoughts on “We wander out into the sunshine.

  1. nuttycow says:

    Did you leave it under the bed, next to your shoes?

  2. Bob the Bolder says:

    I’ll send some advice when I finish this pie.

  3. Duck says:

    The ducks are hoarding it in the car park at Tesco.

  4. AndrewM says:

    This needs thinking about.

    Down the pub.

  5. Z says:

    No need to cut down on alcohol. It’s good for you.

    I have no advice on diets. My diet is not going well. I have become addicted to rice cakes.

  6. sablonneuse says:

    If ever you find a supply of willpower please send some my way.

  7. Pat says:

    Would looking in the mirror help? It works for me:)

  8. Damian says:

    Don’t worry, Winter has wintered and Spring is soon to spring. As soon as that happens your garden will bloom and the effort of mowing, pruning and doing things in the shed will slim you down.

    At least that’s what I’m hoping will happen over at OurAlbion.

  9. I thought being fat was more or less part of the job description for professional bowls players. A lower centre of gravity might well improve your aim. Lord knows it can’t get any worse.

    As to the alarm occasioned by your red and sweating face panting in unaccustomed physical exertion, I imagine you should be used to such looks by now. Or does the lovely LTLP just stare resignedly at the ceiling?

  10. Mr Angry says:

    Order a kebab from your newly available delivery service, then leave it next to the radiator for a couple of days. Wolf it down with a glass of milk and I guarantee you’ll be several pounds lighter by the end of the week.

    I am reliably informed that this is how Sonia off of Eastenders did it.

  11. you obviously found the willpower not to cave in to pointed remarks and change your phone, so perhaps your steadfastness there can be redirected – or just use your phone more, and run away faster.

  12. Soph says:

    I find myself looking forward to my weekly visit to the chippy after Slimming World.

    I don’t know which is sadder – that I go to Slimming World or that I look forward to the chippy.

    Perhaps I should take up bowls…hang the diet!

  13. clarissa says:

    Up your butt.

    (That’s the answer to every ‘where’ question).

  14. MB says:

    You went to Momma Cherri’s? I’m looking at her cookbook on my book shelf. Can she team up with the Kebab place and deliver to Manchester?

  15. Morgan says:

    I think he won Pop Idol a few years ago and is no going into acting. See if he has an agent, he may have a pink phone though.

  16. Eddie 2-Sox says:

    Getting fat in middle age? So what? That’s what you’re meant to do.

    Just accept it J. Fighting against obesity will cause you stress which will reduce your life-span.

  17. Momma Cherri’s? I saw her on Gordon Ramseys programme a while back….I’m envious, I love soul food, and well, anything that doesn’t look ike lettuce…diet? shmiet!!

  18. Milla says:

    Could have been worse, could have bumped into that outrageous ole porker Ms J Burchill. Maybe she’ll be at the chippy.

  19. gargravarr says:

    mr. willpower lives in the bottom of vessels forged for the purpose of delivering alcoholic bevereges to your bloodstream. i call him mr. as he is invariably gone when you wake in the morning.

  20. I suppose jogging back from the kebab shop’s not a good idea?

  21. omykiss says:

    just wondering … did you take in the nudist colony on your travels?

  22. JonnyB says:

    Oh dear I was not around yesterday so did not see these.

    I enjoyed my meal very much. It was filling. I suspect you would not have been given so much after a hard day’s work on the plantations. And it was just like on the G Ramsay show.

    Hullo Milla and welcome!!! You have put your website address wrong. I shall deduce what it is, and visit.

  23. sooz says:

    Ohhh what a lovely place to get fat in! You lucky, lucky boy!

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