There are ducks at the supermarket.

Every time I go. Ducks. Real ones, with proper bills and everything.

They lurk in the car park. Always in the same place – a small hashed out area in the car park, directly opposite the trolleys. They never move from this spot.

The Trolley Man eyes them suspiciously as he goes about his work. I suspect that he does not approve of them being there as they a) must get in the way of his trolley-pushing occasionally, and b) shit everywhere (but only within the small hashed out area).

The Toddler is delighted and surprised to see them, as she is each time we visit the shop. I buy her off for a bit by walking her over to say ‘hello’ to them. I am hoping that if I show her lovely things like ducks and clouds and sky ect ect then she will not turn into Amy Winehouse.

An old lady approaches from within the supermarket. She is carrying a sliced loaf which, she explains, she has purchased for the ducks as ‘nobody is feeding them’. She offers some of the bread to the Toddler, who flings whole slices at them accordingly. The Trolley Man looks on, appalled.

“That was kind of you,” I murmur, waiting to be shouted at.

We wave goodbye to the ducks – all eight of them, gorging through a mountain of bread. The old lady disappears in the other direction, no doubt to claim her cold weather payment from my taxes and to go on and on in letters to local newspapers about how poor she is. But it is a nice little moment

32 Comments

  1. “Do bears shit in the woods?” is a very tired saying nowadays, so perhaps we could change it to “Do the Ducks shit directly opposite the supermarket trolleys?”

    Also, could you bump this comment down a few places, as it really doesn’t do to seem this eager. Ta muchly.

  2. Something should be done about these silly old ducks feeding animals, littering car parks and encouraging the rat problem(you are never more than i2′- or is it yards away from one.)
    There thought I’d get it in first before the ageist lot start. Bedtime!

  3. NAGA - Potty Training Services

    I am not first!

    Did the ducks have to duck out the way of The Toddler and her slice?

  4. Oh dear …. ducks should not be fed bread and kittens should not be fed milk so the SPCA lady told me this morning … quack, quack, meaow …

  5. Y’know that as soon as you went into the supermarket some students came out with plum sauce and pancakes.

  6. I’m guessing the shop in question is “Mozzer’s”, so it’s not surprising there be ducks. There are wide drainage ditches around the site that the lovely little blighters inhabit. I’d also guess that your ducks are part of the same gang that terrorise me as I deliver the free papers round that area, especially in the echoey lobbies of the mini-flats down Highgate way.

    Indeed, a pair of them regularly patrol around 2-Sox Towers too, the bloke-duck is called Crispy and his bird-duck? Pancake.

    And occasionally, shockingly, there’s a threesome, when Hoisin joins in too.

  7. They were put there by Hugh F-W to demonstrate how many farmed ducks are kept per hashed-out area.

  8. I’ll bet that the mother cockroach also hoped her offspring wouldn’t turn into Amy Winehouse. See where that got her.

  9. omykiss is right.

    We’d rather not eat white bread. I have left a list for you in the corner of the hashed area. Please make sure you get the unsalted pumpkin seeds and the sparkling water rather than still.

    BTW, what is that unusual smell?

  10. Is this some new Hugh Finely-Wetinstore campaign to ensure free range is avalable to the masses ?

    Are we at war ? Should I dig for victory ?

  11. No – I THINK it is just some ducks.

    Although it might be something more sinister. Who can tell? The key thing is to observe and to report.

  12. If you should come across a flock of pigeons, try flinging them a whole loaf of sliced bread. It’s the funniest sight as each one grabs a beakful & shakes it’s head (rotating horror-movie style through apparently more than 360 degrees)in order to detach the rest of the slice. The result – a sea of flying bread pieces!
    I know, I know, pigeons are the rats of the sky and shouldn’t be encouraged, but sometimes this is too much fun to resist.

  13. Interesting that you find yourself so drawn to these scrofulous birds, Jonny. This tidbit presents a new possibility regarding the origins of your current crop of crotch fungus.

    First squirrels, now ducks – if the next post is “I buy a rabbit!” I’m calling the RSPCA…

  14. Get rid of a duck by turning it into a soul singer.

    Put it in a microwave until its bill withers.

    What?

    Oh, right. Sorry.

    *gets coat*

  15. Ivan… ‘I buy a gerbil’ would be even more disturbing!
    🙂

  16. Not as disturbing as ‘I am given an oddly sticky gerbil!’, though.

  17. Quote from Child only yesterday: “If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it needs another 20 minutes in the oven.” It’s okay. I thumped it.

  18. worse still if the gerbil has selotape wrapped around it…..

  19. Enough with the gerbils, already – don’t give him ideas. The human (and animal) costs are too high. Remember the chicken coop he was busy building and stocking? Where are those chickens now, I wonder? Buried under the ever extending patio, I reckon, still in their cheerleader costumes.

    Fred West should’ve moved to Norfolk. They love his type of “DIY enthusiast” out there. Only the Isle of Man comes close…

  20. Ducks with proper Bills…. maybe they’ve been inside the Supermarket to buy their own sliced bread, or maybe buying sliced ham to swap with the old lady.

  21. Jonny…are you sure those are ducks, and not your chickens? When WAS the last time you saw your chickens?

  22. Well that seems to have worked! Tee Hee!

  23. NAGA - Potty Training Services

    Steve: The Ducks Go Shopping….would be a classic. I wonder if Donald Fauntleroy might be available to play the lead.

  24. Has the supermarket got a special offer on orange sauce ?
    If not they are probably missing a trick there.

    I expect the old lady blows her cold weather payment on crack and strong drink.

  25. “I am hoping that if I show her lovely things like ducks and clouds and sky ect ect then she will not turn into Amy Winehouse.”

    Brilliant
    =]

  26. Bet you weren’t on the pink phone and wearing your anorak too were you?

  27. Dear Duck Hunter,

    I keep a gaggle of geese in my basement for reproductive and fantasy purposes. I would be more then happy to lend you some for a negotiated fee at an hourly rate.

    Goose keeper,
    Prof Scrub
    http://www.profscrub.com

  28. Hullo Prof Scrub and Paul of Suffolk and Jessica and welcome!!!

    They were definitely ducks. We have not quite got round to getting the chickens yet. Still in the.. er.. planning stage..

  29. Oooooops – sorry Paul of Suffolk. You are Ale Fan in disguise, and not new after all!!!

  30. Here in Southeastern Michigan we get loads of Canada Geese everywhere. Even in Winter.
    The high point of being in far off California was my nephew finding the one park in the Central Valley that had Canada Geese.

  31. Hullo Nigel and welcome!!! We have those here also – they are probably the same ones?

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