I contract a fungal infection.

It is uncomfortable, but not life-threatening. I am going into town tomorrow, for the market, so I will be able to pop into the chemist to ask for something for ‘Athlete’s Foot’, which is more dignified than telling them that I want something that I can put round my knackers.

I have no wish to discuss an infection around my knackers in a public place. Although I am grown-up about these matters, it is the sort of thing that you keep to yourself.

I think my new pants are to blame. They are tight, red and trendy; the sort of pants in which you would like to be run over. There might not be enough air circulation in them. I did not keep the instructions.

The LTLP has left me for the evening. Every now and again one of the ladies in the Village holds some form of party. All the women go, and only they are invited. I suspect they might be a front for something.

Tonight it is an ‘Aromatherapy Products’ party, at the disused Fish Shop. She returns later on in the evening, bearing a satisfied expression.

“I’ve ordered you something,” she slurs. “For your knackers.”

I look at her, appalled.

“You did what?”

“Well all the others were ordering oils for relaxation, muscle ache and all that. But the lady said that this one would be really good for fungal infections.”

“Oh.”

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48 Comments

  1. Dickie "Touch" Tingles

    Dirty Jonny.

    Have you considered washing said afflicted area with soap and water? It’s a new-fangled treatment, and the supposed beneficial hygienic results might not be widely known in Norfolk yet, but it’s worth a go. Either that or treat it with fire. Or leeches. Suction can be a marvellous thing, if applied to specific areas properly.

    Glad to see that the little lady is getting into the spirit of helping. I remember when I was bitten by a cobra in the desert when we were letting the fuzzy-wuzzies have it and luckily the memsahib was there to suck out the venom. Maybe that’s worth a mention?

    Be well, old boy. If not, I’m sure I can lay my hands on a set of old tin knackers that old Tosser Strangeways isn’t using any more.

  2. Ohhh… poor Jonny. We girls get fungal infections all the time, despite or maybe because of the fact that our parts are neatly tucked away. As for treatments – what’s good for the feet isn’t necessarily good for the knackers. So bite the bullet and tell the nice lady pharmacist what is ailing you.

    Get well soonest!

  3. Do you know what they call a fungal infection in France?–at least the yeast sort that women get. Champignons which is mushrooms. There are just all sorts of images that come to mind, eh?

  4. I think my new pants are to blame.

    A bad workman blames his tools. Or not, in this case.

    If I were you, I’d ask for a full transcript of the her conversation with the ladies.

  5. Just ask for Caneston. Imply it’s for the LTLP.

  6. Maybe if your gentleman’s area smells of exotic unguents it’ll frighten off those nasty fungusesses. How else would aromatherapy help? On the bright side I’m given to understand that aromatherapy involves lots of rubbing. Is there something the LTLP is keeping as a surprise?

  7. Try yoghurt – natural, of course. And stick to boxer shorts in future.

  8. I see this has been covered elsewhere.

  9. i have an itch of unknown orgin down there too which could be fungal.

    I tried caneston but that doesn’t seem to work.

    If whatever you get works can you let us know.

  10. dhobi itch!!!! try lamisil…..the athletes foot excuse will work fine….

  11. Embarrassing fungal infection? YES! There is a God…

    Always with the lemons, Jonny, and never the lemonade. Just think how much you can save on your morning fry-ups, now that you don’t have to buy the mushrooms. As for the LTLP, you should be grateful that she thought of you at all while she was trying out all the “oils” and “creams” supplied by the friendly young men of the Premiership Footballer’s Hotel Room Experience nightclub. After all, if anyone would be an expert on groin infections, those lads would be…

  12. Do you have NHS24 down there in Englandshire? It is a phoneline you can call which means you can describe your embarrasing affliction in detail with out seeing their sniggers and arched eyebrows.

    Having a look at the website might help as well before you end up looking like The Signing Detective http://www.nhs24.com/content/

  13. Some years ago, Dick Clark – he of television fame – made television commercials here in Merka for a product known as “Cruex”, and actually mentioned that it was for “jock itch”.

    My dear Mr. Jonny – if Mr. Dick Clark – American Bandstand Hero Man With A Really Ugly Painting In His Attic – can talk openly about it, so can you!

  14. The Signing Detective?!? Isn’t he that one that solves cases amongst the deaf?

    Sorry, everybody. The topic is not for discussion as it is private. Plus there is no itching, just an unusual smell.

  15. Todger Talk has a post on this kind of thing recommends treatment and everything.
    http://todgertalk.blogspot.com/2008/01/dr-ayan-jock-itch.html

  16. Ballrot.

    I warned you about lurex thongs.

  17. The Signing Detective would indeed make a great deaf crimefighter. However, I meant The Singing Detective who was just great at being all scabby.

    I can’t believe I’ve just had a dressing-down over a typo by someone with flaky (and smelly) baws. This is a first.

  18. No – no – no dressing down. I thought the Signing Detective was a great idea. I used to know a chap in Special Branch who was also a senior member of the Magic Circle. I thought there might be a good TV show in the concept of a copper who gets results by sawing women in half.

    TV is all about the concept, you see.

  19. Using Athlete’s Foot medicine to cure a goolie problem.

    You’ve got Athlete’s Cock?

  20. So. Ideally, you would prefer to be run over whilst wearing a pair of tight red pants masking an intimate fungal infection that gives off an “unusual smell”.

    I see.

  21. Squirrels carry all sorts of diseases. Where has yours been recently?

  22. Hullo Eddie 2-Sox and welcome!!! It is an exclusive ailment, admittedly.

  23. Did your mother not warn you about tight under-pants?
    Let the air- fresh air – get to it – them. Honestly out in the garden with your nothings on and you’ll be fine.
    Would a photo be asking too much?

  24. Dilute Tea Tree oil will sort you out – probably what the LTLP ordered. You’ll smell pungent, but less offensive.

  25. Isn’t Tea Tree the stuff that stings?

    I don’t really fancy that.

    Plus it would have to be quite a wide-necked bottle. I would not want to get things stuck.

  26. Oi, superman! Wear them on the outside!

  27. Trench crotch, that’s what it is. Wash yourself down there otherwise you’ll get bothered by doggs.

  28. I love how everyone is merrily contributing ideas for remedies. I, on the other hand have only one comment: eeeuuuwww.

  29. WHAT !!!?

    ‘You’ll get bothered by dogs’…

    MmmmmMMMMAAAaaahahahahahahaHAAAA!

    And so the next title is :

    Mr B’s Bitten Bollox…? or-

    Jonny’s Gnawed Nuptials.. Gangrenous Goolies..Tattered Testies..oooooh the possibilities.

  30. i shall politely ignore the smell and laugh out loud at the discussion of your knackers at the party (sorry)

  31. NAGA - Potty Training Services

    Biological Washing Powder.

    Is wonderful for dealing with nasty knacker niff red pants.

    Wrap them up for Short Tony’s Birthday.

    Please don’t let us see the next Blog title reading thus…

    “We Go Mushroom Picking.”

    And DO PLEASE remember – NOT to use the LTLP’s towel to dry your groin. You might think it funny….but fungi of the face in a woman, just isn’t a good thing.

  32. In one of the first posts I read here, you were describing your bowels. You introduced me to the splendid phrase ‘hurry-waddling’, which you performed at the local DIY store. Things haven’t changed much in the last couple of years.

  33. Dear Jonny,
    Sorry to read your twig and berries are in such dire straits.I agree with Clarissa and must question your squirrel ethics.
    I hope no one has informed PETA of this situation.

  34. It might be the new phone you know. Though God knows what it was doing down there……ah….um does it have a camera?

  35. Have you slapped on the Tea tree oil yet?

    You might want to read

    http://altmedicine.about.com/od/herbsupplementguide/a/TeaTreeOil.htm

    “One study shows that tea tree oil may alter hormone levels. There have been three case reports of topical tea tree oil products causing unexplained breast enlargement in boys.”

    Maybe you’ll start to like your old phone?

  36. You might like to look at the colour of your underpants; black knickers have been blamed for fungal infections in the past. I am deadly serious.

  37. Fungal infections thrive in confined warm places.
    Roll on the warm weather when you can let it all hang out!!!
    on second thoughts……….

  38. Poor you. I hope your Cheesy Wotsits get better soon, and thank heavens I live a long way from Norfolk …

  39. how strange that my life has not been enriched by the thought of the horrid smell your ballbag is emitting.

    urk.

  40. The disused fish shop? What’s happened to Len?

  41. Nonono – Len is nothing to do with the disused fish shop. Len just goes fishing a lot. The fish shop was a completely separate concern.

    I am concerned at the discussion on this post. It is meant to be a private matter.

  42. Are you bundling all fungal infections together? Would an Athletes Foot preparation be suitable for a dose of Snooker Player’s Balls? I suggest you tread with caution.

  43. I know I’m late – long and sad story – but really, athlete’s foot stuff on your bollocks? I look forward to the post “I cling to the ceiling!”

  44. The best thing i have found for athletes foot is plain old white vinegar. Just spray your feet a few times daily and in no time it will disappear!!!

  45. If you want to take further action against athelets feet you must also treat your nails and tea tree oil mixed with grapefruit seed extract works very well as they are both very good antifungala but tea tree oil will help deliver the extract deep into the infection.

  46. vinegar……

    or ive been collecting solutions to this

    lemon grass leafs
    neem oil
    tea tree oil
    coconut oil
    steeped ginger

    bunions or bollocks i’m trying them all

  47. hehehhehehhe…

    twig and berries

    i loved that, made me giggle

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