I write a joke.

Anybody who has ever tried to write any form of comedy will tell you that it is the best feeling in the world when you write a really funny joke.

I am incredibly pleased with my joke. It is a lightbulb joke!!! There are so few new lightbulb jokes. I check all sorts of combinations of the words on Google to ensure that nobody has written my joke before, and I discover that is totally original and funny!!! It is a slight twist on the traditional lightbulb joke angle, it is politically hard-hitting and contains universal truth. Hahahaha!!! I rock!!!

Anybody who has ever tried to write any form of comedy will tell you that the next stage is a waft of depression as you try and try and try to find some way of working your new joke into the fabric of life; be it casual conversation or an entry in an internet private secret diary. You rack your brains. You examine every situation from every angle. You try everything. It is frustrating.

I am still worrying away at this when I arrive to pick the Toddler up from her nursery.

“It’s a dad! A dad!” There is a cry from inside. It is two of the fit nursery assistants who are struggling with something and need my help. One looks over at me and asks – not one word of a lie:

“We can’t reach. Can you help us change this lightbulb?”

I am gobsmacked by this. I look at them, look at the light fitting, look at the lightbulb. There is some comedy god looking down on me. Not only will I get to tell my joke in the most natural and casual way possible thus making the fit nursery assistants collapse with fits of laughter and think ‘omg omg he has a sense of humour as well AND he can provide for me by being taller and changing the lightbulb’, but I will then be able to report the incident to the readers of my private secret diary as an amusing story AND shoehorn in the joke. I take the lightbulb from her gentle hand.

The lightbulb slides easily into its cavity whilst the girls watch on. I wait for my moment; the optimum time to tell my new joke. When you have unbelievable fortune, sometimes you can get carried away and blow it by ruining the timing. I push hard and twist in the bayonet. They clap, in a girly way.

I open my mouth. There is a knock on the glass door. Another parent turns up.

“How many…”

“Mummymummymummymummymummy!!!!!!!!!!!!”

All hell breaks loose as a small child hurtles in to the foyer and grabs the centre for attention. I try to continue: “neo…” but the moment is lost. Booooooooo – I will never get a chance like this again to tell my funny new joke. I collect the Toddler grumpily and drive home, looking for dark buildings.

64 Comments

  1. Is it ….

    “How many Neo-classist does it take to change a light bulb?

    Why would they bother? They’re already enlightened.”

    …. if it is, I’m sorry, but it’s not very funny and I’m not sure the struggling but fit nursery assistants will get it. Try the library.

  2. No – but that is an excellent attempt!!! And far more intellectual than many of the attempts on here.

  3. NAGA - Life Coach To The Stars

    This is going the same way as, ‘The Test Card’ entry. So, in homage to your – ‘I write a joke’….I write a joke.

    How many Achluophobiacs does it take to change a lightbulb?

    All of them.

  4. JonnyB, I am losing my faith. You’re adamantly against being fooled and being bribed so by the process of elimination Paul must be right. You must derive more than a little sadistic joy from tormenting us, getting us to tell you jokes instead of the other way ’round. We’re on to your back-door bacon-waving shenanigans, sir!

  5. How many condoms does it take to change a light bulb? Maybe we can hear the answer to that one instead?

  6. I changed a lightbulb this week.

    It didn’t attract a single comment.

    Well done!

  7. How many Taggarts does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Youse are changin’ nuthin’ till forensics get here!

    Still my fave.

  8. NAGA - Life Coach To The Stars

    How many passive-agressives does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Three. One to sit in front of the TV watching football, while the other two write little post-it note reasons why they are unable to.

  9. I’m disgusted!!! I demand, nay I ORDER you to give me my money back. “What money, reading my blog is free after all?” you say? I’ll tell you what money. Time. Time is money. And you’ve teased me all along and now… well it’s just too late, as many before me have pointed out. And now the soufflé has deflated. I was going to start coming over here regularly, but I shall have to seriously reconsider.

  10. Hmmmm! Well there can’t be that many collective nouns starting ‘neo’ – so we just need to keep going till we find one that fits!

    How many neo-luddites does it take to change a light bulb?

    What’s a light bulb?

    No?

    How many neo-cons does it take to change a light bulb?

    They don’t – they just declare war on darkness.

    OK, that one’s not new – but along the same lines ….

    How many neo-nazis does it take to change a light bulb?

    Are you trying to be funny you [expletive deleted] mother [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] loving [expletive deleted]?

    How many neoantigramaticwebnodes does it take to change a light bulb?

    I’m sorry, you’ll have to read the next entry in my web journal to find out.

  11. I can’t believe TWO nursery assistants could not between them gather up the savoir faire to change a flippin lightbulb.

    Make up a ‘knock knock’ joke so that you are guaranteed an opportunity to amuse them just by opening the door.

  12. A ‘knock knock’ joke is genius.

    It is a shame that they are so rubbish. Unless I can invent a new one that is brilliant.

    I shall do so, when comments drop once more…

  13. Obviously, you do not handle disappointment well.

    Apparently, neither do your readers.

    We are at an impasse; much like a writer’s strike, it seems.

  14. Q: How many [choose your favorite target of ridicule] does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: The puzzlement is how they got in the lightbulb in the first place.

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