There is no sausage machine.

Short Tony clenches his fist in frustration. I give him an apologetic look, but it is not my fault that the parcel people haven’t left it with me again. He tries to look past me into the kitchen, as if I might have taken delivery and hidden it somewhere, part of an underhand plan to make my own rival sausages.

As if I would do a thing like that!!! It would be silly and immature.

I do, however, have two items of post. There is a leaflet from the council encouraging me to address my energy use, and a leaflet opposing a local wind farm. I read them carefully.

The council one is interesting. They are putting on a seminar in order to show me how to be more efficient!!! I am encouraged to book well in advance to be sure of a place on the efficiency seminar, which is tomorrow night. I am quite into the new alternative energy thing, but it clashes with ‘Heroes’ so we will all have to fry.

The wind farm thing is more problematical, as I just do not know what side of the argument I am on. On one hand, wind is free and we are all going to fry. On the other, the government subsidy thing seems a bit dodgy and you have to think of the geese. I think the main point that the anti-wind farm people have not addressed however is that if we do not build windmills now, where the fuck will the teashops of the future be situated? I will make up my mind in due course.

I glance at the clock. It is time to think about dinner. It will not be sausages, even clandestine sausages that I have secretly made with a stolen machine, oh no.

28 Comments

  1. *ponders whether to pre-empt the ‘but “Heroes” is shown on WEDNESDAY nights aha I have caught you out lying!’ comments*

  2. At the rate things are progressing, you could harness Short T’s extra energy by means of treadmill between his place and yours, and also somehow find a way to use the steam from his ears to power up the TV for Heroes. That way you’d be more efficient and still be at home at the vital time (whatever it is).

  3. Funny they should decide to stick a wind farm right next to you, Jonny. One wonders what they could be implying. Personally I never doubted that they’d find a use for you eventually. I just rather hoped it would involve more in the way of electrodes and ball-gags.

    PS – you’re going to break that sausage machine, you know. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

  4. Are clandestine sausages those ones with chorizo and pappers in them?

  5. peppers. Bloody peppers

  6. Actually, I may have come up with an alternative to wind farms, that will negate the need for you to furrow your brow on the subject

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/video/2007/nov/02/supermouse

  7. Your goose will be well and truly cooked if he catches you.

  8. How much energy does a sausage machine use?

    Will it consume enough electricity to keep a fridge door light running for 28 years?

  9. They are giving you plenty of warning, almost 30 hours, to book in advance, which is helpful. In South Norfolk, we usually receive notice that the meeting took place last night.

    I would go, if only to ask how the people leading the seminar got to the venue. It is usually by car.

    Um, I’ve just eaten sausages for lunch. Please don’t tell Short Tony where I live.

  10. I say, that mouse was quite dashing. I think the wild one was rather smarter though.

  11. wind farms …. they’re great ideas as long as you can’t see them.

  12. Po’ Short Tony, if it ain’t the ducks he couldn’t shoot…it’s the sausage machine not delivered by the post office that JonnyB saved.

  13. Yeah – but how did that mouse get to the wheel laboratory, eh? Answer me THAT!!!

  14. Will the wind be free range on this new farm?

  15. clandestine sausgaes? free range clandestines or shop bought?

  16. Maybe the LTLP will look more favourably on keeping supermice than the chickens you wanted.

  17. I am thinking about the geese – desperately – but I’m not really getting anywhere. Have I missed something?

  18. The geese!!! The geese!!! They are bad for geese!!!

  19. can’t give back wot he’s never ‘ad

  20. Wind farms are a proven waste of time!

  21. Wind farms are a proven waste of time, money, and a blot on the landscape.

    You’re far better of with a sausage machine!

  22. Plus, no sausage ever gave a goose a bloody whack on the head or a fatal clip to the wings.

  23. That is not true. There is a really funny video on the youtube.

  24. Wind farms are dangerous for geese? Why? Do they fly into the moving blades? Of course, wind also brings to mind other types of wind-you know, like those who eat too much sausage. You might have something going here if you and short Tony get into the sausage making business.

  25. NAGA - Life Coach To The Stars

    What a great eco-friendly idea for Christmas.

    Just imagine the joy of finding a wind turbine beneath the tree, with your name on.

    Not only useful for dispatching the festive goose; we could completely do away with the spin cycle on washing machines, not to mention the tumble drier.

    I bet they’d also make minced meat of any pork in the area.

    I’m sending Short Tony one for good measure.

  26. You don’t have to shout!
    Y’see Linda’s puzzled too. I’m a simple soul but I expect the statement re geese’s welfare and wind machines to be in the copy – not just floating in the ether.
    Oh it’s all going downhill and God knows that should be impossible in Norfolk.

  27. I sense the sausage machine is about to play a Godot-like role in the narrative of your life, Mr B. Maybe you should write a play?

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