Short Tony stomps to my front door.

“Have you been in all day?” he demands.

I know what is coming. He has been waiting for his sausage machine to be delivered for days now, each time the parcel people cunningly thwarting him with ‘we called’ leaflets and/or phantom door-knocks. I give a weak shrug. “They haven’t left it here.”

He has an explosive look on his face; a combination of frustration and dangerously low blood-sausage levels. I take a quick peek at his cottage, which he has plastered in ‘If I am Out…’ instruction posters stuck up on every possible piece of house that a delivery man might conceive as being a front door.

I share his crossness. I was looking forward to some home made bangers, and Len the Fish has promised to give the ladies a formal sausage-making seminar session one evening. Even his dogg looks forlorn. Curse evil Parcelforce!!! I shall put them in my small black book of things to not look fondly on when the revolution comes.

Big A rings to see if I will replace his bin when the men empty it. I am becoming quite a pillar of the community, what with my parcel-takingdeliveryof and bin-replacing commitments. Later, somebody asks me if I would ‘take on’ the Church Fete. I think that they are probably joking, but I tell them that I have quite enough on my plate at present.

28 Comments

  1. i just asked our parcelforce chappy at work what he’s done with the sausage machine – he looked bemused. or guilty???

  2. You are wise to turn down the Church Fete job. You would never get rid of it, and the next thing you’d know, you’d be a PCC member, a Churchwarden, a School Governor and an honorary member of the WI. There’s plenty of time for all that when Servalan is at school and you have Time on your hands.

  3. duncan – I hope it was the former as the latter would imply that he had been putting his penis in it.

    I suspect the Church Fete thing was a passing remark. Nobody would SERIOUSLY want me in charge. Would they?

  4. Jonny – Do you think I might enjoy Len the Fish’s sausage seminar? I am always interested in new sausage techniques. Will there be a sausage tasting afterwards? Please send enrollment info.

    Thanks

  5. Nononononono!!

    Please ‘take on’ the church fete? I haven’t seen a good fight in years!

  6. When asked to ‘take on’ the Village Fete are you sure you weren’t being asked to host a “Spend two minutes in the boxing ring with JonnyB” stand?

    Not that any of your neighbours would want to spend two minutes in the ring trying to repeatedly punch you directly in the face.

    (Please note: No large head jokes were used in the making of this comment)

  7. There is nothing better than innuendo with lunch, or am i reading too much into the ‘take on church fete …’ reference?

  8. Terribly disappointed. What with the usual comment makers AND frequent references to sausages I expected far more nine-year-old humor. All I get is a really terrible image of machines and parcelforce chap’s penis – gee thanks Jonny.

  9. It’s good to know you stay at home layabouts keep yourselves busy while the rest of us go out to work. I thought it was all just Jeremy Kyle and the occasional interest in sports (non-cardiovascular).

  10. Have you ever wondered why Parcelforce still use the ‘Force’ bit. I mean even the Police are now a ‘Service’?

  11. i suggest you kidnap it and hold it for ransom. And to prove you have it, maybe you could mail him parts of it until he pays up.

    Ah but then you’ll have to sign for them, if they ever show, which kind of defeats the object.

    I will retire to the drawing room and continue to work on the plan.

  12. I am becoming quite a pillar of the community, what with my parcel-takingdeliveryof and bin-replacing commitments.

    Don’t kid yourself, Jonny. You’re turning into the village bitch. They’ll be trading your sorry unemployed ass for cigarettes next. Wondering if you’ll be doing the Fete? If your vicar smokes, then the answer is “yes”…

  13. Oh I seeeee. Sausage machine – a machine for making sausages…..there I was, off on a “what they get up to in rural Norfolk” track – it all makes so much more sense now. Or at least, sounds remotely legal.

  14. Parcel ‘Force’. That is true. It is old fashioned, like the Alan Titchmarsh show. But what do you expect of an organisation that leaves you a note rather than Twittering you?

  15. What else is in your little black book that will not be looked upon very fondly should the revolution really make it?

  16. People who change their number plates into funny fonts.

  17. They should’ve emailed it, you can’t depend on post offices and parcel forces these days.

  18. Did someone mention boxing?

    Oh. Super. Fun.

    Bring it.

  19. Chipolatta or Cumberland?

  20. You could take on SOME of the church fete. Like the bouncy castle, or Splat the Rat, or you could be Mystic Meg for the afternoon and tell fortunes. Oh, please say that you’ll “take on” the fortune-teller’s tent.

  21. NAGA - Life Coach To The Stars

    Um. I nearly used, big head.

    And sausage machine in the same sentence!

    NAGA – aged nine ‘n’ 3/4.

    Please inform Short Tony, the only way to ensure Parcelforce deliver, is to either be on the toilet, or just getting into the bath.

  22. I am suspicious!
    Why has Len the Fish only agreed to give the ladies a formal sausage making seminar one evening?

  23. What is your plate full of? S——s?

  24. Greavsie – they must have gone over to the Dark Side.

  25. I”d like to make a complaint. Somebody has reduced my six dashes to two. I’m very cross.

  26. Perhaps Short Tony needs to consider the fact that sausage-making machines are always in demand at this time of year: everyone likes to watch bangers sizzle & pop on Nov 5th…

  27. Parcelforce?

    I should not like for anyone to force a parcel of any size to do something it doesn’t wish to do.

    And yet, the postal delivery here is constantly trying to that very thing.

    How they ever got that office chair into the letter box, I’ll never know.

  28. Pat: that is reassuring. I have spent most of the evening trying to work out ‘s**s’.

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