The baby grizzles.

I try to buy her off with one of her furry animals. Servalan has several furry animals, principally three bears named Lionel, Tony and Rafael, and two rabbits.

The rabbits do not have names. That would be silly.

Bears and rabbits appear to be the key types of furry animal produced as baby entertainment. For some reason it’s been decided that babies will mainly like the species that are known for relieving themselves in the woods. (By ‘relieving themselves’ of course I mean taking a dump, not masturbating. Although for all I know, bears might well masturbate in the woods. I do not seek to judge.)

I grab Tony bear. “Come on. I’m a reasonably straight bear. Let’s draw a line under this crying and move on,” he says (although it is not really him, it is me just pretending). The grizzling continues.

My Canadian readers would know. They might have seen them going into the woods with copies of ‘Readers’ Bears’ or ‘Bearly Legal’ or ‘Bear with a One-Track Mind’. Let’s face it, they are pretty restricted for places to go. They don’t have bedrooms, or bathrooms, or Sketchley’s (when the assistant is not looking).

The happiest bears are the ones clutching a copy of ‘Coprophiliac Bear’. They have the best of both worlds.

Rabbits do not masturbate in the woods. They have no need.

I think the bear/rabbit monopoly might come from the Pooh Bear books. I am currently reading the one where Pooh Bear gets stuck in Rabbit’s hole, and they are pretty well the only characters in there. Baby Servalan is enjoying it, although I am still trying to work out my accents. At present I am playing Pooh Bear as a sort of north-country Jake Thackray type, with Rabbit adopting a more Terry-Thomas vocal tone.

(If you’re interested, of the non-shitting-in-the-woods characters, Christopher Robin is just a normal voice, Piglet is squeaky and Tigger is a sort of over-energetic Mick Jagger.)

Mick Jagger does not shit in the woods. It’s possibly that he might shit at the Woods’, if Ronnie had, say, invited him round for dinner and to stay the night.

I don’t know if Mick Jagger would masturbate at the Woods’. I don’t really care. He co-wrote ‘Gimme Shelter’ so he is allowed. He probably would if Jerry could not make it that evening. (Note to self – check if this is still a current reference).

The grizzling continues. I decide to change a nappy.

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