Writing comedy is hard.

For me it’s hard, at least. Probably for people like JonnyB it’s brilliantly easy. I bet that joke ideas come to JonnyB as if by magic. I think that fairies probably bring them down to him in little joke-sized cases, complete with glitter and sparkles and the sound of bells.

But for me it’s hard.

There are no fairies with joke-sized cases in my comedy-writing life. No glitter, no sparkles, no sound of bells.

Instead, I have a notebook. A Blue Notebook. And anybody that thinks that a Blue Notebook is a fair trade for glitter and bells should be punched in the head and forced to drink hair tonic.

And in this Blue Notebook, I write joke ideas. Things that, for the 37 seconds it takes to write them down, seem like PURE GENIUS.

These joke ideas are not PURE GENIUS. For, you see, once I get through my 37-second delusional period, the vast majority of these ideas will never, ever seem funny again. They shall never make it into my comedy routine and the Blue Notebook shall be their home for life.

Tonight, my friends (or JonnyB’s friends, to be more exact,) I give you bits and pieces of comedy that didn’t make the cut. Joke out-takes per se.

These are actual sentences pulled directly from the Blue Notebook:

On catch and release fishing:
“Oh, never mind the giant hook you stuck in my neck. I’m just glad you’re havin’ a good time.”

On why we eat beef:
“Cows? They have six stomachs, for the love of God. If you met a woman with six stomachs, you’d kill and eat her too.”

On commercials that irritate me:
“Raisin Bran needs to stop bragging about how many raisins they have in their cereal. They’re called Raisin Bran; we expect them to have raisins. Now if they advertised, ‘Raisin Bran, now with two scoops of cocaine,’ that would be a commercial worth airing.”

On video games:
“Some murderers have recently claimed that constantly playing violent video games motivated them to kill people. I, on the other hand, have watched the Food Network for hours on end and have never once been motivated to cook anything other than Top Ramen and Pop Tarts. I guess some people are more easily motivated than others.”

On cannibalism
“If I was a cannibal, I’d definitely eat Roseanne Barr before I’d eat Rudy from the Cosby Show. That’s just the way it is.”

Since I write about ten Nearly-Jokes for every Real-Life-Joke, I have rather a full Blue Notebook. Doesn’t seem like the most efficient way of writing, really. But, I can’t really think of a better way.

Well, until the fairies come.