I have discovered what the police dog teams and armed response units were doing in the village.

It was not a Dennis Hopper type homicidal maniac at all. It was a man stealing lawnmowers!!!

He had been at work in one of the villages further up the coast, and was tailed by a vigilant constable as he attempted his escape. Other policemen headed him off at the pass.

I expect you will soon see it on ‘Britain’s Wildest Police Chases’.

It was unfortunate for the lawbreaker AND LET THIS BE A LESSON TO YOU ALL that if you commit crime round here the closest police unit is often the royal protection squad at Sandringham. These officers are always very bored, as when they’re not protecting us from the royals they have little else to do. I imagine it is really exciting for them to have to run through bushes chasing a proper criminal.

If I were them I would have cornered the villain before whipping out my gun, waving my badge and shouting “Sweeney Todd!!! Flymo Squad!!!”

For my part I am relieved that Mr Blair and Mr Brown stopped fighting each other long enough to catch this particular offender.

Sometimes I think they do not understand that whilst they flick guacamole at each other at their Islington dinner parties, serious crime like this is running rampant.