I prepare for a photoshoot!!!
Somebody is coming round tomorrow to take photographs of me, for an Important Newspaper Feature. It is exciting, and I am planning to spend today worrying about what to wear. I am hoping that I won’t be put under any pressure to don deeply, deeply unfashionable shoes, as I wish to retain my dignity and artistic integrity. But if they order me to then I will, because it might sell a book.
I shall post a report soon. Until then, here are three things…
I have been meaning for ages to link to Idiot Johnson’s E.P. Under the ridiculous assumed name of ‘Tim,’ Idiot has been reading and commenting here since the very very very early days; we’ve been in regular correspondence, and he has sent me regular MP3 files – I have been helping him out with some musical and production consultancy by telling him stuff like ‘yes, they are very good’ and things. Anyway, Idiot actually visited the Village during the summer, met Short Tony, and was present at an unfortunate golf cart/chicken owner accident. Go listen to the songs – they are seriously good (particularly the title track).
I have received a postcard from the Snailr project!!! This is Anna Pickard’s record of her esoteric trip around the USA – I like to think that this was in part inspired by my own esoteric trip round the USA last year, despite the fact that she lives in the USA and had said to me previously ‘I am going to do an esoteric trip.’ Anna is – without question – the most frighteningly, frighteningly talented writer I know, and I was looking forward to her poetic and moving descriptive reportage of the American panorama. Anyway, I have scanned in her postcard here. The best thing about having a blog has undoubtedly been getting to know people like Anna. (And, of course, some nutters as well, but you take the rough with the smooth.)
And finally, there is an interview with me at Caroline Smailes’s site (if you haven’t seen it already.) I’ve kind of been in awe of Caroline since I read Like Bees to Honey and I was a bit blown away when I met her over the summer to discover that she’d heard of me and liked my writing, plus her bazongas were just about to fall out of her dress, so short of offering me chips and introducing me to Leonard Cohen it was basically my dream fantasy meeting. The competition that ran with the interview is now closed, but Brom went and won it, and he’s also been a reader here for a grillion years, so that worked out nicely.
That is all for now. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. I have had my hair done especially and am trying to work out the correct moody yet available expression.
12 thoughts on “Weekend round up thing”
Which paper Jonny? Must make sure I get a copy before the newsagent sells out.
Will the article be online? Because I won’t be able to buy the paper, obviously.
Remember, photos make you gain TEN pounds. As for fashionable shoes, will you be wearing your Manolos? Ooh, you go, JonnyB.
Oh, you don’t know me, so I ain’t one o’ them nutters you’s talkin’ ’bout.
I’ll be stalkin’ by a little bit later, again…
I am Tim and can confirm that the Idiot Johnson CD is quite good – well, kind of OK at least – still very much available for purchase, and that generous discounts are available on bulk orders of over a hundred. http://idiotjohnson.bandcamp.com/ Thank you for the big “up.”
With regard to my meeting Short Tony. What actually happened was that you waved at some random bloke at the bar in the Village Pub, said, “Look! That’s Short Tony. No, it really is him!” while he just looked embarrassed and eventually said, “Look mate, I’ve no idea who you are but every day you come in with a different weirdo you met off the internet, so for the final time… I’m not bloody Short Tony or Short Anyone Else for that matter, now why don’t you take your hook and sling it?”
And then you said, “Come on Tim, we’re leaving this dump, let’s go back to mine and I’ll show you my chickens.”
And were there any chickens? Were there? Be honest now.
The truth will always catch up with you in the end.
But I will say this. Your family is absolutely lovely and a delight to meet. How you lucked upon the LTLP is anybody’s guess.
I shouldn’t worry about your shoes being “deeply unfashionable”, Jonny. You live in Norfolk, after all. The concept of you Fen Monsters wearing shoes at all will be news to the rest of the country…
Let’s see – the point of marketing is to appeal to the largest number of people while appearing to maintain your artistic integrity.
Women supposedly like men who like children and inoffensive animals, who can do repairs around the house, make really enormous amounts of money and play an instrument in a romantic sort of way (I got this from reading the headlines in the supermarket yesterday. Also, there are seven ways to lose eleven pounds in three days, there are forty two ways to make your man orgasm in a way he never has before [no mention made on the cover whether this was desirable or disturbing], and fifteen cake recipes to get you through the holidays)
Men want someone they can relate to without feeling like they’re slumming with the short-bus kids, someone they can look up to without being intimidated, someone who can talk reasonably about cars without knowing too much, and someone who plays sport in a casual but reasonably efficient way.
I suggest you set up the following: Scene is the ridiculously impractical 4X4 has gotten a flat because you had to veer wildly off the road in order to miss hitting a chicken who is stunned but not hurt. To reassure the chicken you have retrieved your banjo from the back seat (you were driving it back home after giving the LTLP a nice romantic serenade during her lunch hour) and are playing a soothing, self-composed ditty. The chicken looks reassured and grateful. The tyre jack and spare are leaning against the wheel well to demonstrate willing-and-able on your part, and at your feet is a stylish sports bag, the zip half open to display your professional-level bowls equipment [nb – perhaps bury the deeply, deeply unfashionable shoes? The rest of the gear should get the point across without those]. If you like the toddler could be making winsome faces out the window or something, but make sure it’s clear she was safely strapped in or you’ll get in trouble with the mums.
Honestly, I think you’ve nailed the “moody yet available” expression already in that photo at Caroline’s site.
Then again, “moody yet available” can sometimes read “Serial Offender Nabbed in Norfolk!”. Remember to find the light and watch your angles, Jonny.
You’re going to be in like an actual newspaper, or the Small Norfolk Village Gazette?
This is a very exciting development, your fame could yet spread to the Midlands and beyond.
I hope your chickens are well. Fame can make people forget their true friends.
I see you have finally revealed yourself to the world! (I’m not sure if his is old news, I’ve been away for a long stretch on the Isle of Wight)
It’s all very exciting – but are you sure the fish-eye lens was a good idea? It makes your head look really big.
ooh, you look different. Not different to how you did before (since i don’t know how that looked) just different to how you looked in my head.
I think you should have your next picture taken with the chickens. Perhaps balance one on each foot to hide your shoes?
I haven’t a clue who that bloke was in the photo. Basically I refused to send her one so I think she used a stock image, of a model.
Megan: The Toddler does not ‘do’ winsome faces. But if they are planning a remake of The Exorcist then she will be up there with the top casting choices.
That’s such a good interview, motivates me to get a copy.
Somehow, I’d imagined you wearing black-rimmed glasses, and you have reddish hair.
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