“Right,” says the doctor, removing his hand from the LTLP’s vagina. “Caesarian this afternoon.”

Things are all happening at once. First there is my sore toe, now there is a caesarian.

We go downstairs to have a coffee, her waddling, me limping. She turns to me when we sit down. “Are you SURE that your foot is no worse?”

“NonoI’msureitisnoworsehonest,” I mumble.

“Let me have a look,” she demands.

I make up some excuses as to why she cannot have a look, which stretch the definition of the word ‘weak.’ Eventually and reluctantly, I pull off my sock.

“For fuck’s sake!” she exclaims, an expression of horror on her face.

Earlier in the week, the second GP that had examined my foot had drawn a long black line, in special medicinal NHS Bic biro, around the red and blue creeping stealth that had enveloped the limb. I recall that she had, very firmly and distinctly, told me that if the infection continued to spread beyond the line, then I should go immediately to A&E to be put on intravenous drugs.

“Well I sort of did not want to worry you,” I say, not wanting to mention that I had assumed that the LTLP had got up in the middle of the night, erased the biro line, and redrawn it in a different place just to play a small practical joke on me.

“It’s going right up your fucking leg!” she replies.

0.00001 seconds later, we are in A&E, which is a bit of an unnecessary hurry as 2 hours and 0.00001 seconds later, a doctor appears. By this point, the gravity of the situation has dawned upon me and the LTLP is starting to cry. “I am due upstairs in ten minutes,” she begs. Meanwhile, I have gone all subdued and am feeling very low. The whole day is going horribly, horribly wrong.

“Actually – wasn’t there an article about you in the paper the other day?” asks the doctor. “You’re the writer?”

I beam broadly, This is the best day that there has ever been, ever.

“Oh for Pete’s sake,” snaps the LTLP, storming off towards the operating theatre.

Five minutes later, the doctor announces that he is not going to cut off my leg etc., and that I will be OK if I swallow the UK’s entire output of antibiotics for the next ten days and do not abuse my limb. He draws another line on my foot, although whether that is for medical reasons or because he wants to draw on the foot of a famous writer I do not know. If it is the former then there has been no further encroachment; if the latter then I will be writing to the GMC as this is not appropriate behaviour for a medical professional. I hop in to the maternity ward, smiling happily.

Everything goes well. I will probably not have time to write much for a bit, as my priority is to continue to offer the LTLP the high levels of moral support that she needs.

35 thoughts on “We go to the hospital.

  1. He can get his whole hand up there, and you have an infected foot. I absolutely refuse to draw a straight line of deduction between these two data points. Kudos on the attempt to upstage her travails, tho’ – your loyal fans have come to expect nothing less.

    Good luck with the baby, Jonny – I envy you the fun ahead…

  2. Richard says:

    There really is no need for the LTLP to copy Samcam.

    I do hope everything’s gone off OK. Except for your toe, obviously.

  3. JoAnne says:

    Yay to baby number two!

  4. What the bloody hell have you done to your toe? Have I missed something? And good luck with your sprog…. looking forward to hearing how you get on!

  5. chairwoman says:

    You’ve got Cellulitus.

    It’s not a joke, Johnny B, keep an extremely firm eye on it.

    It can be life changing even without amputation.

    (Keep taking the Flucloxicillin.)

    Why do you think I chose this soubriquet?

    Anyhoo, lots of everything good to you, the long suffering LTLP and littlw Servalon :).

  6. chairwoman says:


    See what it’s done to me!

  7. nick says:

    Clearly the beer has affected your toe.

  8. Z says:

    Chairwoman! Darling, I do miss you.

    Johnny, I’ve just got used to thinking of you as Alex and now I find you’re our PM and your name is David. I’m more unnerved than ever. Best wishes to your toe and the LTLP, of course.

  9. ajb1605 says:

    Why exactly do you think you’ll get out of writing? Think of all the opportunities you’ll have in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep!
    I was hoping you’d have called him “Aurac” or “Avon”!
    All the very best to you both

  10. FJ says:

    I hope the new baby will have a traditional norfolk name Johnny – Aylmerton, Mundesley or Baconsthorpe all get my vote

  11. Jennifer H-J says:

    Congrats to you all Johnny! Hoping The LTLP, The Baby, and The Toe are doing well, and that The Toddler doesn’t feel too left out!

    To chairwoman… FlucloxiWotsit gets rid of Cellulitis!? Who knew? I shall be rubbing on my legs every night from now on. 😉

  12. ganching says:

    Perhaps you could call the baby Little Snoring and then when it cries all night every night you can laugh at how “ironic” it is.

    Congratulations to you and the LTLP and hope you still have 10 toes.

  13. If we’re naming the baby again, FJ, we need to update our list a little to combine tradition with today’s modern, go-ahead East Anglian lifestyle. How about Seth, or Gideon? Vaguely biblical, but also ideal for hanging around some pedestrian precinct near the dole office all day with ratty white-boy dreadlocks, a can of Special Brew and a terrier on a piece of string…

  14. Megan says:

    Seth (and Reuben) a little too Cold Comfort Farm, although I like Aimless, Feckless, Helpless and Hopeless so that’s no excuse I suppose. Also Lambsbreath. And Rennet.

    After all, it’s the offsprung of a proper writer so there should be literary references, shouldn’t there?

    I think Bucky Wunderlick strikes just the right note.

  15. Metamor4sis says:

    As a former state registered nurse and midwifery sister, all I can say is

    This is SUCH a FUNNY and yet SERIOUS post!

    Cant wait for the next installment!

  16. How about To(e)by? Congrats to you both. When I had my 2nd son the midwife gave my husband 2 paracetamol but I wasnt allowed anything!

  17. Pat says:

    Do you think – now you’re rich and famous – you could get a continuity girl?
    You are rubbish at keeping the thread for your readers. Where has this ghastly leg business come from. Who knew about the second pregnancy? And now another disease to deal with.
    I really hope all goes well on all fronts and do keep us in the loop please.

  18. JonnyB says:

    But Pat, as blogs go I have a particularly intelligent readership (source: ACNielsen 2009/10) and so I do not feel that I need to spell things out for them too much. I just try to cut to the chase a bit.

    I am feeling a lot better now THANK YOU FOR YOUR SYMPATHY EVERYBODY.

  19. Nigel says:

    Glad to hear you are feeling better but has the LTLP upstaged SamCam? Will Baby 2 be called Norfolk?

  20. spazmo says:

    Hospitals are handy things, Jonny. They do everything now – babies, toes…pretty much the lot. They’re like Wal-Marts, but with cleaner needles.

  21. guyana gyal says:

    A boy! A boy! Or a girl?

    Congratulations to sweet, long-suffering LTLP.

    Oh, yes, to you too Jonnyb.

  22. tillylil says:

    Congrats on the birth of Florence Rose Endellion.
    Oops sorry – wrong celebrity father but just as famous x

  23. ruth says:

    Billyricay? Kachingford?

  24. JonnyB says:

    Again, for the avoidance of doubt, contrary to what I posted on Twitter, I was listening to a bit of prog rock at the time and HIS NAME IS NOT REALLY JETHRO GABRIEL.

  25. Blazing says:

    It never rains, eh? Anyway, congrats Jonny and LTLP. And sort yourself out man!

  26. Sewmouse says:

    OOOOOOOhhhhhhhhh BAYYYYBEEEEEE!!!! Squeee!!!!!!!!

    Ok, now that you have undeniable proof I am female, I do hope that your toe is better, that LTLP and the BAYYYYYBEEEEEEE!!!!! Squeee!!!!!!!are doing well and that the Toddler is entranced with her new sibling!

    Congrats to all. Except the toe.

  27. Gem says:

    I am 5 months pregnant and suddenly my other half has a bad back (no, not from having to lift me up from sofas and chairs, I saw your train of thought) am wondering if developing a new ailment to win back some attention is a common thing…

    You say gangrenous toe, he says slipped disk…

    Congratulations to you both!

  28. Marjorie says:

    Congratulations of new baby and on lack of toe-amputations.

    Seeing as we all know who you really are now, maybe you could call New Sproglet Jonny, seeing as you don’t need that name anymore?

  29. Leilani Lee says:

    Our boy spent 5 days in the hospital on IV drugs for such an infection. Be careful…. be very careful. Congrats on the baby!

  30. JonnyB says:

    But Gem, surely it was that ailment that got you into the situation in which you find yourself today, eh?

    Oh no, sorry. You said ‘slipped DISK’.

    Every gag a winner – I am available for weddings and functions, you know.

    Hullo Leilani Lee and welcome!!! You are in the Ozarks? I wanted to visit the Ozarks but didn’t have time. Next time.

  31. Short Tony's (Taller) Brother says:

    Never mind all this medical triviality…. Short Tony has bought me a Christmas Present? Unheard of since roughly 1995. And actually something I wanted too! How else to track the activities of one’s kid brother through trouser loss, inappropriate transport arrangements, hobbies, wildlife…..

    I hope you didn’t give him a big Mates Rates discount for bulk on my copy – I was about to buy a copy at full retail…..you may want to negotiate to get the difference back from him.

    Keep up the good work, and congratulations on keeping the toe / new baby. STTB

  32. JonnyB says:

    Hullo Short Tony’s Elder Brother and welcome!!!

    Full price. Of course. This is business.

  33. Paul says:

    Congratulations Jonny (& the LTLP of course) – look forward to lots of posts at obscure hours of the night about the bodily functions of a baby.

  34. Hamish says:

    I’ve got a swollen knee.

Comments are closed.