I receive leaflets in the post!!!

The Postman drops them off, with a raised eyebrow.

I settle down to read. It is a dilemma. In the last election, I advised my readers to vote for UKIP. This was because Robert Kilroy-Silk had just resigned as leader, and it would have been amusing to see the look on his face should everybody have followed my advice, his ex-party consequently winning an outright majority and choosing somebody else as Prime Minister.

On reflection, I decided that this was quite a convoluted and slightly unrealistic way of playing an – admittedly clever – joke on a rude orange-faced man. So I will not do that this year. Citizens have votes. Private Secret Diaries do not. But – with apologies to my overseas fan base and the small number of UK readers not in the North West Norfolk constituency – I have decided to summarise my leaflets, so that you might come to your decision easier.

Conservative – Henry Bellingham (incumbent)

Summary: I have been your M.P. for 23 years. A vote for me is a vote for change.

Labour – Manish Sood

Summary: I will introduce strict boarder controls, presumably to discourage boarders. I love this area and its people; so much so that I will move here if you elect me.

Liberal Democrat – William Summers

Summary: It is the same old names – the professional career typographers that got us into this mess. Let us have a go at the typography. It can’t be as difficult as all that. See?

UKIP – John Gray

Summary: All the other colours were taken. So we got bright purple. Put it up in your window and they will probably see it in Belgium, that non-country.

Telent – on behalf of B.T.

Summary: Your telephone service is at risk. We promise to renew the overhead wires and poles over the next 10 working days to make improvements in the network. This will take between 2 and 6 hours, and cuts to your service are inevitable during this period.

British National Party – David Fleming

Summary: Winston Churchill would have voted for us. We’re a bit broke, so here’s a form to send us a donation. (Black ink not mandatory.)

Green Party – Michael de Whalley

Summary: Nobody reads these things. So I have taken the green option and not sent one.

I will see you in the Village Hall on Thursday.

16 Comments

  1. I think you had it right last time, Jonny. Anyone who despises Belgium is all right by me…

  2. As good as Stephen Fry, and so much more succinct. Although I like him too.

  3. I have never been to Belgium, although I keep meaning to, as it is just next door to Norfolk in the big scheme of things. But I can’t say I liked what the UKIP chap said about them. He struck me as the sort of chap who would push past you before being casually rude to the girl behind the bar.

    Lola – yes – I saw the Stephen Fry article – it was terrific.

  4. It’s a bit scary thinking people like Jonny help decide who governs us!

  5. I think my sitting MP & yours may have pooled their resources on fliers.

    Mine pretty much says “You’ve had a coservative MP since 1923. A vote for me is a vote for change”

    The others mostly say. “You’ve had a conervativ MP since 1923. Who do we think we’re kidding. But we’re putting some poorly prined leaflets through your door to show willing.”
    Except the Independent bloke, who has chosen to retian an air of mystery by not telling anyone he is standing, or what he might be standing for, or against.

  6. Why did the postman drop off a raised eyebrow with the leaflets?

  7. Surely Labour – Manish Sood should read:

    Gordon Brown is the leader of my party, so please don’t vote for me.

  8. Very, very difficult. I once knew a woman who voted for Dukakis (DAMN! My ‘Mercanism is revealed. Again. These secret identities are so difficult) because she liked his eyebrows which made me realize that I was doing the whole voter-decision thingy entirely wrong. Mostly that means I now spend a lot of time advising other people, preferably when the outcome will not effect me in any way whatsoever. So:

    Conservative: You don’t say, but he sounds jowly and that’s difficult. On the one hand, jowls are not terribly attractive and they are distracting when someone gets very animated and they start bouncing around. On the other hand, as a general rule distraction (when politicians are speaking) is a good thing.

    Labour: Best name out of the bunch. Such an excellent name in fact that it nearly swung the whole thing in his favour right there. Well, until I realized half the charm was because I thought the last name was SNOOD and it’s not and now I rather resent him.

    Lib Dem: Typography is a complex and mysterious art form and should not be bandied about in such frivolous ways. A crack squad of font designers armed with pointy serifs and a lot of well-designed signs saying rude things about Comic Sans have been dispatched.

    UKIP: I don’t like purple much.

    Tele…. oh good lord UK do you really need this many choices? Do as we do and have two practically identical people who are only recognizable by their ties (red/blue), get stinking drunk, rail for three days about lack of choice and the goddamn misery of it all, fill in the ballot to make attractive patterns and have done.

    Either that or vote Cure (Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality) Party because we can all get behind a drive to “Implement a robust social integration programme for the undead, curing society of its prejudices.”

  9. I did wonder [some time ago], if you were Stephen Fry. But a minor detail or two made me realise, nope πŸ˜€

  10. Makes me rather relieved that I didn’t arrange a postal vote. Whoever gets in you can be sure they won’t give a damn for the electorate once they’ve ‘won’ your vote with false promises and crocodile smiles.
    I think the Greeks and French have the right idea – ‘storming the Bastille’ so to speak.

  11. Oh that was a big help. Thanks a bunch!

  12. having met Henry Bellingham a couple of times i just can’t get past his uncanny resemblance to Mr Burns from the Simpsons!

  13. You know what? You never see them in the same room together, do you?

  14. I shall be scanning my ballot paper for our local Telent candidate – they sound just the job.

  15. You know if you vote you will only encourage them.
    signed – the plagiasm party.

  16. Are you still in the queue at the polling station, Jonny?

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