The Postman drops them off, with a raised eyebrow.
I settle down to read. It is a dilemma. In the last election, I advised my readers to vote for UKIP. This was because Robert Kilroy-Silk had just resigned as leader, and it would have been amusing to see the look on his face should everybody have followed my advice, his ex-party consequently winning an outright majority and choosing somebody else as Prime Minister.
On reflection, I decided that this was quite a convoluted and slightly unrealistic way of playing an – admittedly clever – joke on a rude orange-faced man. So I will not do that this year. Citizens have votes. Private Secret Diaries do not. But – with apologies to my overseas fan base and the small number of UK readers not in the North West Norfolk constituency – I have decided to summarise my leaflets, so that you might come to your decision easier.
Conservative – Henry Bellingham (incumbent)
Summary: I have been your M.P. for 23 years. A vote for me is a vote for change.
Labour – Manish Sood
Summary: I will introduce strict boarder controls, presumably to discourage boarders. I love this area and its people; so much so that I will move here if you elect me.
Liberal Democrat – William Summers
Summary: It is the same old names – the professional career typographers that got us into this mess. Let us have a go at the typography. It can’t be as difficult as all that. See?
UKIP – John Gray
Summary: All the other colours were taken. So we got bright purple. Put it up in your window and they will probably see it in Belgium, that non-country.
Telent – on behalf of B.T.
Summary: Your telephone service is at risk. We promise to renew the overhead wires and poles over the next 10 working days to make improvements in the network. This will take between 2 and 6 hours, and cuts to your service are inevitable during this period.
British National Party – David Fleming
Summary: Winston Churchill would have voted for us. We’re a bit broke, so here’s a form to send us a donation. (Black ink not mandatory.)
Green Party – Michael de Whalley
Summary: Nobody reads these things. So I have taken the green option and not sent one.
I will see you in the Village Hall on Thursday.