I stare over the LTLP’s shoulder. They are clearly visible through the scullery window.

There is a dead, ominous silence, which I don’t understand, as she is shouting and screaming at them and banging the window.

“Get OFF the garden!!! PISS OFF!!! GET OFF MY PLANTS you little shitbags!!!”

Such language that chickens should never be forced to hear.

She turns to me. “I thought you said you did their wings or something?!?”

I shrug, confused.

No more is said. The LTLP does not care that I have hyperintelligent chickens with super powers. I will have to deal with them. I had been planning to make my big secret announcement, but now I will not have time to write a proper diary post about it. It is a shame, as I know people are bursting to know my news, and I have been religiously careful to not drop any hints as to its nature, spoil the surprise, let the chicken out of the bag, etc.

The LTLP storms off into the kitchen, brushing past me awkwardly in her new shapeless top and trousers with an odd bit that covers her tummy, whilst muttering something about needing a rest and something to eat but not unpasteurised soft cheese or paté.

I will have to make my big secret announcement on Monday.

15 thoughts on “My garden is full of chickens!!!

  1. guyana gyal says:


    My mother wants to save your little neck…so she says to tell you, one cast net, the kind fishermen use, would catch ’em all.

    I’ll go finish reading this tragedy.

  2. And down comes the other shoe, right on schedule. Aren’t you glad I use my powers for Good?

    You know what I fancy right now? Some savouring. Think I’ll go get some…

  3. tillylil says:

    You’re obviously not the world’s best chicken plucker then?

  4. spazmo says:

    I dunno, Ivan. None of us have considered the werewolf angle. (Large-Toothed Lycanthropic Predator). It would explain the physical, gastronomical and temperamental changes we’ve been hearing about.

    Now that their wings are clipped, those poor chickens are sitting ducks.

  5. A Quiver says:

    Oh CLUCK!!! Tell me it isn’t so, and issue the riot shields**! Another 72 hours spent in the agony of Not Knowing may be more than I can bear!

    Pragmatically, have you inspected Short Tony’s side of the fence for sturdy, yet flexible branches of the kind that might be used by pole vaulting-disposed chickens? That would certainly be my next step.

    ** I use the plural because, as you may recall, I recently lobbied in favoUr of having a spare at the ready. A backup riot shield (or shields) can only be a good thing, much like a backup cat or, oh, say, a backup child. Whatever.

    Let the roundup begin!

    Aquiver still

  6. I see were you’re coming from, spazmo, but if that were the diagnosis then I imagine that the chickens would have been reduced to a handful of bloody feathers by now, thus giving the LTLP a neat twofer.

    Come to that, the long-term prospects for a turkey like Jonny would not be too bright either…

  7. CJ says:

    Perhaps after this incident the LTLP will insist on having them clipped?

    The chickens I mean…

  8. kermit says:

    I admit to being naive about the business of chicken raising, but aren’t chicken wings supposed to be clipped when they’re very young and can still fit in the palm of your hand?

    So really, it’s the fault of the seller. I think you should call him/her and ask them to do it. Clearly the LTPL’s emotional state is contagious, and wing clipping requires a sturdier constitution.

  9. Indigo says:

    I’ll have to read back and check but I suppose that you clipped both wings on each chicken? You’re meant to clip only one wing so that when the chicken tries to fly she goes round and round like a gyroscope.

    I didn’t clip my hens’ wings because I want them to be able to fly out of reach of the fox. But I guess that LTLP would not be calmed by that thought, not just now anyway.

  10. Dave says:

    I did warn you about the tunnel.

  11. Cogidubnus says:

    Dunno about chickens but ducks are pretty cunning – ours used occasionally to get into the house and crap all over the kitchen floor…couldn’t you tell LTLP how lucky she is they’re not ducks? Ah well….it was just a thought…

  12. Z says:

    I don’t know what she’s making such a fuss about. There’s been hardly anything growing in the garden anyway. And chickens are far more important than plants. I think you should pour her a nice big glass of wine and cook her a soft-boiled egg. Unless she’s gone off those too, of course, though I can’t think why she should.

  13. sablonneuse says:

    Now, if only you could have given us a few clues recently we might have been able to guess your news. . . .
    However, hearing about the chickens is particularly interesting for me as I’m preparing to have four hens this year. The preparations have already cost more than millions of eggs but it’s still not as expensive as raising another . . . .

  14. JonnyB says:


    They appear to have confined themselves to their area for the last couple of days. I suspect Short Tony had let them out, to fool me.

    He will have to be watched.

    Unless they are just keeping their heads down a bit, whilst they plan something.

  15. Absolutely hilarious! Please take good care of your chickens. They are the funniest part of your routine these days.

    And congratulations on your book!

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