There is a big smashing noise.

And a shriek of pain.

The old half of the Cottage plunges into darkness; the sharp sound of glass scattering is followed by the crunch of feet treading it into the floor. Through the corridor, drifting into my startled nostrils, wisps the unmistakable aroma of burning hair.

“Short Tony is on the Wii,” I sigh to myself.

I am not saying that the Wii Fit has been a white elephant, but as something that has fulfilled its promise it does approach the status of a Millenium Dome that’s been filled from top to bottom with an assortment of Hummers, flavoured Kit-Kats, the BBC 3-D flying weathermap and fifteen boxes of DAB Digital radios, all painted white and fitted with a large trunk. There comes a point when abuse about your weight has ground you down so much that you are just afraid to step on to the thing, and so the balance board is gathering dust in the corner.

Quite heavy dust, I would imagine, should I use it again.

“I’ve had a bit of an accident,” informs Short Tony, limping ruefully into the kitchen, his head slightly smoking.

However, I have to say that the game where you have to hold the control things and dance along to the Jackson 5 is endlessly entertaining. As I have mentioned before, I was a bit disappointed to find that modern video games didn’t all consist of running people over in fast cars and murdering prostitutes, as it says in the papers, but – for me – dancing along to the Jackson 5 is a pretty close second, even if it doesn’t match the games of the classic era. If they could have a game where you danced along to the Jackson 5 whilst climbing things and avoiding barrels being rolled at you by a big gorilla then frankly that would be gold dust. But there is no imagination amongst developers today.

“I’d better get a dustpan and brush,” I tell him, as he puts out his head.

I clear up most of the glass after resetting the fusebox. Short Tony apologises about the light fittings. The LTLP returns home. There are some awkward explanations.

16 Comments

  1. First first ever

    First. First. Ever.

  2. Bother those low ceilings in old halves of cottages. Do you know, I can’t even bounce on my bed? Standing up, that is.

  3. Those Wii things are dangerous, I hear. I’ve never had a chance to play on one, which I imagine is good as I’d be hauled up in front of The Hague in no time.

  4. My favourite is the cow riding in Wii Sport. It’s hard for me to play though – way too much giggling and shouting as I try to run down scarecrows and jump hay bales!

  5. Short Tony’s obviously not that short then if he’s crashed into the light fittings.
    Better go out to play together next time!

  6. If they had a game where you got to run over the Jackson 5 in fast cars I might weaken and buy one of those infernal machines – otherwise I think I’ll pass. But if Short Tony is, in fact, Short, then how did he manage to get tangled in the light fittings? Have you thought of entering him for the Olympics?

    I’m on holiday, by the way, so feel free to take the rest of the week off too. Carry on…

  7. Had enough of the personal abuse from our Wii Fit as well, prefer 6 rounds on Wii Sports Boxing, at least that does get you fit and spares the light fittings, at the expense of the tv if you get too close obviously.

  8. Hullo First first ever and welcome!!! Thank you for your contribution.

    And hullo Paul and welcome (I think you are a different Paul to Normal Paul)

    Nancy – you really have cow riding on the Canadian Wii Sport?!? We do not have cow riding, just British stuff like tennis and boxing and a game where you have to dodge the surveillance camera (note sophisticated political gag – am available for Radio 4 topical sketch shows at short notice if required)

  9. I’m with Ivan. It would be even better if you got to see the bright and shiny world you created by flattening young Michael before he ever had a chance to slice off his nose and inflict sequined gloves and white socks on an unsuspecting public.

  10. Facebook, My space, Twitter and now Wii.
    A pox on all of them.

  11. Nancy S (the Other Nancy)

    Cow racing is actually on Wii Play, not Wii Sports. It is fun. I think Jonny would benefit by expanding his horizons and playing with other barnyard animals. There is also a game called Petz Horses. Maybe Jonny and the chickens could design a game called Petz Poultry. (Hi, Nancy B, glad to see to you took my recommendation and stopped by)

  12. Wii Fit – is always good for a laugh.

    E-Fit – is something entirely different but fun to do on a wet Sunday afternoon.

  13. My brother invested in one of these newfangled Wii things. I told him that there are more advantageous ways to spend a wet Sunday afternoon, like reading the Private Secret Diary for instance, but he was adamant.

    The cheeky bastard then cooked a huge and tasty lasagne for lunch before beating us at all the Wii Fit games.

    UT

  14. Hullo UT and welcome.

    My mum beat us on the Wii Fit thing. And she is a pensioner, with a bus pass and everything.

    That hurt.

  15. Instead of Wii-ing, try chasing and catching some chicken.

    There should be a Wii game called Third World. Dodging wild mini-buses, fat dead frogs, stray dogs, mad men with sticks…

  16. I really, really need to get a Wii 🙁

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