The women at the desk squeal in delight.

I am reading between the lines here, but I get the strong impression that they are very excited to have a new joiner. I have turned up with the Toddler, meaning to enrol her, but have been seduced myself by the promise of free books and somewhere warm to go in the winter. Two joiners!!! They flutter around on their computer system.

“Here is a leaflet,” one says, “explaining all the services that the library can offer you.”

“I’m really just here for the books,” I reply. “She loves books, and…”

“There are DVDs over there,” continues the Librarian, ignoring me, “and also some computer games. There is a small charge for those,” she adds sadly.

“It’s mainly the books that…”

“Now here is your PIN number,” she says, leaning forwards conspiratorially. “With this, you can use our Internet access here, which is free.”

“Ah – well, I have the Internet at home, so really I expect I’ll just…”

“You never know when you’ll find it useful – for instance if your internet at home breaks.”

I concede the point. If my own internet breaks, it would be useful to have a spare one.

“Plus,” she concludes triumphantly, “you can use that in ANY Norfolk library. So, for instance, you could be in Norwich, and need to send an email, and you could just go to the Norwich library and give them your PIN number and send your email!”

“It is possible that I might be in Norwich and need to send an urgent email,” I concur. She gives me a warm smile, having battered me into submission. The Toddler is starting to wreck the place, so I hurry her into the children’s section.

I love books, but I am ashamed to say that I have fallen out of the habit of reading. I used to devour them in bed, on buses and trains, whilst having a poo, whilst waiting for people to arrive in pubs. Then I sort of discovered other things – the internet, DVD’s, computer games etc, and books seemed such a lot of work. I am stupid and lazy. The sight of shelves and shelves of them inspires me.

The Toddler chooses some books. I choose some books. This is a new beginning for me – I shall read them and examine them and perhaps write reviews in my Private Secret Diary. Books. It is the future.

We are in the Village Pub.

Everything is normal, until the LTLP announces that she wants to buy a Wii.

I almost drop my pistachio nut in astonishment. The LTLP has never ever been interested in computer games and has, in fact, rolled her eyes when I have occasionally suggested snuggling down together on a Sunday night and installing a ZX Spectrum emulator on the laptop.

I am enormously encouraged until it transpires that she has heard about the new Wii Fit exercise machine, and this is what she has in mind.

Booooooo – this is disappointing. Although computer games were a lot better in my day, I have read the newspapers at length and one of the big benefits of the new ones is that they are all about running people over and killing prostitutes. You never got this on the old computers, as the graphics were not good enough. Frankly I would be quite happy to buy a new computer in order to run people over and kill prostitutes, but I am not sure of the appeal of the exercise thing.

I grab another handful of pistachio nuts. “I am sure we could get fit in some other way?” I ask.

But she is adamant, and it seems a shame to waste her enthusiasm. It occurs to me that if she buys the Wii Fit thing then I will be able to sneak in a more up-to-date-with-the-kidz program, and get lots of exercise by running away from the police and stabbing really vigorously.

The Wii is cleverly marketed as being able to bring families together, and if it gets the LTLP into computer games then that is fine by me. If I join in on her exercise thing then I am hopeful that she will get into the spirit of the other games, perhaps by dressing up and being impaled by my special Nunchuck. We have been a bit left behind in the Village when it comes to the modern technology gaming, and I am excited that this will bring us into the twenty-first century.