We purchase a Wii Fit.

“Ooooof!!!” it cries, as I step on the scales.

This is not encouraging. A few seconds later, it has told me with brutal computerised honesty that I am ‘overweight’.

‘Overweight!’ – the thing is clearly calibrated incorrectly. I gaze at its smug graphic representation in anger.

The LTLP steps on. Hahahahaha!!! She is obese!!! Obese!!! I point and laugh.

I am as yet unsure as to how this equipment is meant to bring families together.

Two hundred-odd quid seems quite an expensive way of facilitating running on the spot and getting the odd bit of abuse, but I am always open-minded to new things and am determined to give it a chance. It is disappointing that the free games you get with it are all tennis and baseball and stuff rather than anything to do with running people over and killing prostitutes, but I have a go at them cheerfully.

As far as I can ascertain, the fundamental flaw is that the thing is not designed for people who live in small cottages. The beams that run across the living room hover at most two inches above my head; I have already half killed myself during a particularly enthusiastic ski-jump. The yoga stuff all has to be adapted, and half the muscle workouts are inaccessible to me.

I have been weighing myself regularly, and have steadily put on a pound or two each day.

13 Comments

  1. will you be recording yourself to upload on youtube, aswell?

    erm…using the wii that is…

  2. I would share your pain, but I’m only five foot two, so I’m not the one in the family who bashes brains out on the beams.

    I used to be ‘overweight’, now I’m ‘normal’ (telling apostrophes). I recommend cycling, plain yoghurt and rice cakes. Dull but effective. Weighing yourself causes weight gain and is not to be advised.

    As for the LTLP, I suggest another baby. Weight loss guaranteed, eventually.

  3. Obese, eh? So that’s why the LTLP puts up with you. I suspect that all this wii-fitness is her last desperate atempt to restore her figure and her self-esteem to the point where she can finally dump you in favour of a mate that doesn’t look like a saggy overripe pear with feeble matchstick arms and legs.

    From what I remember of wii avatars (not having one of those massive saddo time-sucks myself) that’s a pretty good description of them, too. No wonder you like it so much. Must be like looking in a mirror, only into an alternate universe where you shave regularly…

  4. I especially like how, right after the initial fitness test, your Mii instantly fattens up, encouraging anyone watching to point and laugh.

  5. You put it on the internet that the LTLP is obese and she hasn’t thrown you out yet? The woman is a saint!

  6. Oh yeah. I *love* the way the Mii fattens up, ‘specially when my brother in law stepped on the balance board, he’s a *massive* chunk of muscle but his Mii looks like Dom deLuise. We were all too afraid to laugh.

  7. Like Megan, I did warn you re harsh comments.

  8. So how long will this little hobby last then?
    Until you are officially obese too?

  9. wait, so you paid over 200 quid for it to tell you that you’re obese when ivan the terrible’s been doing it for free for years?

  10. If you give the money to charity you can feel good about yourself whereas if you buy an expensive piece of equipment – after a week – it will just be useless clutter which will give you the guilts every time you trip over it.

  11. I don’t believe wii, it lies.

  12. i am happy i am in the hous of my friend she hat little cats i love animals

Comments are closed