We go to Disneyland.
“ItsmickeymouseitsmickeymousedaddydaddydaddyitsMICKEYMOUSE!!!” cries the Toddler.
Mickey Mouse appears.
I am determined, for a few days, to leave my natural English miserable-bastardness in the hotel for the sake of family unity. I take a photograph of a man in a giant mouse suit and we walk to the theme park. Burly men at the gates are opening peoples’ bags and checking them for any negative thoughts.
The recipe for Disney is very simple: 2% pudding, 98% egg. The fact is that small children are thrilled by the basics of a) going on brightly coloured things that move and b) meeting giant mice, and you could probably leave it there and go down the pub. But they do insist on slopping on all these concepts of wishing and dreams coming true and the world being a wonderful place and all that.
Nowhere is this more prevalent than in a constantly repeated song called ‘Just Like We Dreamed It’. This plays over the tannoy on some form of constant loop, whilst made-up loons prance around with fixed smiles in the big parade. A soft-rock number in the boy/girl duet mould, it has the unusual effect for an art form of making you want to cut off your own cock in order that the pain will cause you to pass out and make the song go away. Then, just as you are scrabbling in your bag for a big knife, a truck-driver’s gear change reveals that – no – it will never go away, and will be stuck with you for ever. I have subsequently – and very foolishly – found this song on Spotify, and my life will never be the same again.
We watch the St Patrick’s Day tribute to Ireland and the Irish, which features riverdancing chipmunks.
Songs aside, I enjoy my trip. And food. Songs and food aside. I am a big fan of true American food, and it distresses me when it is spoilt by being prepared in the European fashion, ie boiled in the microwave and served in small portions for lots of money. But everything else is good.
The LTLP takes the Toddler for a wee; I sit at the entrance of the park, people-watching whilst I wait. It is the best bit. I could never get tired of spotting each child’s face absolutely light up as they step through the gates and realise that they are in a place that will provide them with brightly-coloured things that move and giant mice. It is truly heartwarming. Then I realise that I am turning into Noel Edmonds, which is wrong.