The telephone rings.

‘Brrringggg brrringggg!’

(NB that was the sound of the telephone ringing, as transcribed onto the page).

It is Big A. We chat inconsequentially for a couple of minutes, before he announces that he has a favour to ask me.

I am immediately on my guard. This means that he will want me to look after his chickens whilst he goes away. As the premier chicken expert in the Village, I am always being asked to look after people’s chickens. And whilst that is no hassle, it is a bit of a hassle, and I do not need the extra eggs.

Big A has three rescued battery chickens, including one that he calls ‘J Lo’ because it has an enormous sort of growth on its arse. They are good natured birds, and I do owe him a favour for the use of his washing machine. I take a deep breath and ask him what his favour is.

“Can you put my bins out for me?”

I am a bit stunned by this. “Don’t you want me to look after the chickens?” I ask, to which he replies that the people over the road are happy to do that.

Sacked!!! I am sacked as first-choice chicken-looker-after!!! I replace the receiver angrily. I am good enough to do the bins, but not good enough to do the chickens.

The next morning, I wander over to get his bins. An ex-battery chicken with an enormous arse protrusion gazes at me through the garden gate, giving me a slightly disdainful look. This chicken seems a bit above herself. I might be a mere binman, but she is just Jenny from the Flock.

The Washing Machine Man should be coming tomorrow, with the spare part.

31 Comments

  1. That Jenny from the Flock joke is terrible – are you auditioning to replace Jasper Carrot as the host of GoldenBalls?

  2. All that set-up just for that bird-brained punch line?

    Perfect.

  3. Address Not Found

    This is what I keep getting.

    Firefox can’t find the server at pastimperfect.

  4. I got sucked right into that one. Aaargh, Jenny from the flock? I feel a bit dirty.

  5. I’m all superior and virtuous as I don’t begin to understand that Jenny flocking jokey thingy. I will take the word of lesser beings though and assume it was a)contrived and b) lame. Now I will devote the next five minutes to judging you harshly for your lack of compassion for J-Lo the rescue chicken. You shallow, shallow creature you. Damn it’s good to be pretentious!

  6. I laughed. Now I feel so lame.

    Pat, it’s http://patspastimperfect.blogspot.com/ You may have missed out the ‘pats’ when you typed it in.

  7. Never understood the Lopez butt-thing, but that painfully past-expiry pun put it all into perfect perspective. And (god help me), I laughed as well.

  8. Z: thank you for trying to help. I had been putting ‘Past Imperfect’ instead of the http thingy in the Web site space. It has worked previously.
    What is really pissing me off: after all this time Jonny has so sweetly but me on the side bar and it doesn’t effing well work.

  9. Binman instead of ‘first choice chicken looker after’ is a real demotion.
    Glad to see you’re taking it like a man and continuing to do the neighbourly deed.
    After all if the washing machine man brings the wrong spare part you may still need to be on speaking terms with Big A.

  10. Pat – the address in the sidebar is missing a dotcom at the end. I’m sure he’ll change it once he’s fed the chooks.

  11. Just wanted to say, your chicken-based humour cracks me up 🙂 Heheh, Jenny from the Flock.. Great stuff.

  12. So I giggled. Sue me.

  13. [This is JonnyB posting as ‘admin’]

    I am disappointed at the reaction to my very funny ‘Jenny from the Flock’ witticism. I had been laughing at that all day. And I am a difficult audience to please.

    Pat: you’ve been getting your own URL wrong for months and months here. I thought you were doing it on purpose to stop people finding your private secret blog…

  14. I’m with Simon and Nadia – loved it and laughed!

  15. Jonny: no never. Sam says there is a dot com missing off the side bar. For the record it’s :
    http://patspastimperfect.blogspot.com/
    Sorry to be a pain.xox

    Sam: How did you find that out? And thank you:)

  16. wah wah wah waaaaaaaaah

    (this is the noise one makes when one has told a terrible joke, as transcribed on to the page)

  17. Well I found it funny! Although I laugh at those daft Cobra beer adverts on Dave so it may not be such a great compliment.

    Aargh – now i’m singing Jennifer Lopez songs, well that’s just great. Thanks Jonny.

  18. Jenny from the block. It took me a while – I didn’t see the film but it had a familiar ring.
    I think it’s brilliant and funny.

  19. Tune in tomorrow for our next episode – “How Jonny totally screwed up the bin thing. In a way that somehow killed all the chickens except J-Lo.”

    As the Village’s premier peripatetic pantsless parasite, you should be grateful that you’re trusted with anything at all, Jonny. In real villages they give the Idiot a piece of velvet to stroke all day, just to keep him out of trouble. On the other hand, anyone who’s read your jokes would naturally associate you with garbage disposal – you’re obviously a dab hand at recycling…

  20. Velvet, Ivan? I guess the grass is always greener. My village only gives out burlap swatches and bits of coloured string.

    S’pose I’ll be moving on, as the burlap’s looking pretty threadbare, and I ate the last of the string weeks ago…

  21. I laughed and now I feel cheap and used. Jenny from the Flock indeed ….

  22. I quite like premier peripatetic pantsless parasite. In fact sounds like a career to aim for. And Spazmo – hope that string was all natural or you’ll regret it terribly a bit later [based on anecdotal evidence of friend’s dim cat].

  23. I think it is all about wit. tho I dont laugh but I understood that most of british joke require u to understand the wit behind it.

  24. Are the bins on fire?

    Jonny Fred Astair.

  25. How’s Jonny from the Block getting on with the bins??

  26. Thank you for the improved reaction to the ‘Jenny from the Flock’ joke. That makes me feel a bit better.

    And hullo Simon, Big Poe and Derek, and welcome.

  27. I didn’t know you liked chickens so much???

    NS
    http://sciencedefeated.wordpress.com/

  28. You may expect to hear from Ms Lopez’s attorneys.

  29. Would you please come and look after my chickens. We don’t have a JLo Jenny from the Flock, but I do have a Penny in The Shed.

    I need someone to look after them from January 1 to 17, and I am asking you before I ask the kids next door.

    It shouldn’t be more than a four hour round trip – after all the actual feeding and watering will only take you a couple of minutes.

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