“You should get involved as well,” he insists.

I am not fooled by this.

John Twonil has volunteered to do charitable work, driving the Community Bus. Since then, he has been extolling the virtues of the role and trying to get us all to join him.

“Just because you got press-ganged in the Village Shop,” I point out. “Anyway, I think you’ll be the ideal bus driver.”

John Twonil persists, but I am adamant. I already do my good work with the snooker club, restocking the bar occasionally and doing the sausages when it is my turn. I cannot be expected to devote my whole life to charity, like Bob Geldof.

The subject is changed. I twist awkwardly on my bar stool. Due to the ongoing washing machine situation, I have been wearing the same pair of pants for three days, and I am relieved that nobody has noticed. I would not want to be the cause of comment.

The next morning, I ring the Washing Machine Repair Man once more. The awaited part has arrived!!! But they have sent the wrong part. He will have to order the part again.

I take a basket of pants round to Eddie’s. He does not know how to use his washing machine, but his wife, Eddie, leaves it programmed with detergent in it, so all he needs to do is press the button. Eddie washes some pants for me. I thank him, but I feel that I am taking the community’s goodwill a bit far.

23 Comments

  1. First ! Woo

  2. Ahem. That is to say, you are quite right not to drive the community bus. There is only so much that disadvanted members of should be expected to bear. .

  3. I used to know a married couple called Jo and Joe, but I’ve never known a husband and wife called Eddie and Eddie. It seems very sensible though.

    It’s twisting on the bar stool that causes stains in pants. If you keep still there will be no skidmarks and no one will know you’ve worn the same pair for three weeks.

  4. You could buy some more pants. A revolutionary suggestion, I know – where would we be as a nation if everyone bought pants when their washing machine broke? but the circumstances could be taken into account when you are brought to trial.

  5. I do think the world of charidee will be much the poorer without your contribution. You could always use some of their shops if you get low on pants.

  6. Getting your pants soaked by a friend?

    We’ve heard this sort of behaviour is rife in rural England!

    Sincere apologies for the broken washing machine. We needed the parts for an ongoing project.

  7. Quite right, Jonny – you do enough for charity already. Specifically, you are an object lesson to generations of potentially feckless youngsters about the catastrophic consequences of poor life choices. I dare say Oxfam would be snowed under but for the thousands of losers you have scared straight…

  8. You could combine the charity job with picking up all the laundry of other unhappy husbands en wives and drop it at Eddie&Eddie’s. That’s real charity!

  9. It is your patriotic duty to buy more pants – lots of them – to solve the credit crunch or whatever it is that is upsetting the politicians right now.

  10. Goodness, you must really be missing the pants you left in Canada. See what happens when you try to do your bit to help humanity.

  11. Jonny, let’s talk about handwashing. It’s what they used to do in the olden days, you know. Fill sink with warm water, put soap powder in, swish pants about a bit (rubbing where necessary), rinse under tap. Squeeze pants to remove excess water, dry in your normal panty-drying place.

    You’re welcome.

  12. I’m sure HFfactor is perfectly correct.

    But you could also get a bare breasted LTLP to take them down to the river, to beat them savagely against a large rock until clean. [The pants – not her breats you understand!]

    Effective, environmentally-friendly and wildly entertaining. Your charitable deed for the week.

  13. “breats” ?????

    Wears the broody spull-chicker when ewe knead it.

  14. HFactor – doesn’t the mind boggle a bit at the thought of just where jonnyb’s normal panty-drying place is? And what, one immediately asks, would be his abnormal one?

  15. I am amazed you haven’t handwashed your pants yet just for the shot of the washboard. You could be cleaning away in time while whistling some Lonnie Donegan. It would be another instrument in your already impressive musical arsenal of annoying noises.

  16. If you wait for the new washing machine part much longer you’ll have to go commando!
    Now there’s a thought!

  17. thank you tillylil, for the mental image I will now never be able to erase from my mind..

    (goes of to contact emergency counsellor)

  18. Hang them in the Chicken House and let them peck out the debris for you?

  19. Lola is quite right Jonny, you should stimulate the Norfolk economy and get us all out of this credit-crunch thingy.

  20. Hullo I’ve Been Mugged and welcome!!!

    The whole thing is getting ridiculous. Unselfishly, I washed the Toddler’s stuff before mine. Now I am running out of pants again.

  21. Is the Toddler’s stuff elasticated? One size fits all?

    Just trying to be helpful.

  22. The Internets to the rescue:
    http://www.supernaturale.com/articles.html?id=70

    One of Jonny’s Canadian fans:
    http://www.threadpit.com/detail_pages/031.jpg

    Maybe you can combine these somehow?

    I dear, I’m hogging this blog, must leave before Jonny calls Norfolk CID and reports me.

    Sorry sorry sorry.

  23. haha going commando… what a thought. must say i have done that in my younger days, however i would say washing em up at a friends a much more novel idea

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