The LTLP stands with hands on hips.

“Don’t tell me,” she threatens. “It’s another…”

“It’s a railway sign!” I exclaim delightedly.

“It’s another railway sign,” she agrees. “You really are the saddest, saddest…”

“It’s really nicely made.”

“The place is starting to look like some sort of period signage museum,” she complains, inaccurately.

Later on, we are sitting in the comfortable swinging seats in the garden. My gaze falls on the gable end of the cottage. Despite my resourceful erection of trellis and the picturesque foul drainage downpipe, the wall is mostly a plain slab of bricks that lacks interesting features. I mull this over for some time.

“You know what would look really good on that gable end?” I muse.

“Would it be, perchance, some sort of large painted vintage advertising sign?” she replies sarcastically.

I must have mentioned my good idea previously. I keep quiet for a bit.

“Actually that would be a really good gable end for a rousing mural,” I suggest. “It is a shame that there is not more sectarian violence in the Village.”

I am told that I am not allowed to paint a mural on the gable end, nor even any slogans.

45 thoughts on “I receive a package on the ebay!!!

  1. And there was me thinking the LTLP was a renegade Loyalist breakaway movement.

    Sign o’ the times.

  2. tillylil says:

    Sectarian violence! – what about the seniors v less senior bowls players, does that count?

  3. scribble says:

    So what du do with all these signs then? I mean, how many have you got?

  4. Barack Obama has mural potential, what with his neo-communist proletariat art posters. Who could possibly object?

    Or perhaps they don’t allow religious art in your village…

  5. Ben says:

    “It is a shame that there is not more sectarian violence in the Village.”
    Funniest line I’ve read in a long time! Well done.

  6. You could hire a couple of Ulster headbangers in cheap for your mural, Jonny – the bottom having rather dropped out of their market, after all. Perhaps they could do you something nice along the lines of “Worthless Parasites of All Nations – Unite!” With you doing a Lenin-At-Finland-Station pose, only shaking a chicken instead of a cloth cap.

    Ever notice how those Ulster murals always screwed up the perspective. The heads always looked too small, somehow. Tho’ given their politics, maybe they were on to something there…

  7. Fanto says:

    From the sounds of it, there’s enough septugenarian violence. Would that do?

  8. NAGA says:

    Recently, I’ve been considering what games might be played in the garden. My own gable end is quite expansive. Perhaps a large rousing mural of an Ass, for pin the tail upon, would go down well with the visually impaired neighbours.

    Could you not make it a community project of some sort? A Jonny and friends Banksy-esque affair involving the Short Tony’s riding shotgun whilst playing the Bango?

  9. beth says:

    period signage? quite a niche interest I would’ve thought.

    what does it say?

    apart from “I need chocolate”

  10. Will H says:

    Write in large letters: ‘You Are Now Entering Free Norfolk’ above a pair of crossed pitchforks and a couple of chickens ‘rampant’. Should set the tone for the village. Perhaps a couple of DNA spirals with the dominant genetic code of the region might set it off nicely.

  11. JonnyB says:

    It might give me a chance to use my ‘Provisional Oo-Ar-Ay’ joke again?

    Scribble, I just have a few signs. For looking at an’ stuff. She is over-reacting, as usual.

    You’d have thought there would be zillions of cheap sectarian murals on the market now.

  12. Dumdad says:

    What does the railway sign say?

  13. Lola says:

    Get a sign for the railway station serving the small Norfolk town of Gable End. That should do it, she can’t object.

  14. mb says:

    no surrender to the imdb!

  15. Brennig says:

    Despite my resourceful erection Oh how I laughed! 🙂

    But be of good cheer young JonnyB, for next Monday (14th June) is the anniversary of the Battle of the Boyne (and a holiday in NI).

    Perhaps there’ll be an outbreak of sectarianism thenabouts?

  16. Roy Cropper from Coronation Street collects similar railway and signage-related paraphernalia. Have I discovered JohnnyB’s real identity?

    I hope not, as in my mind you are much sexier than Roy Cropper.

  17. Rachel says:

    I like Will H’s idea. I was about to say a ‘chickens playing bowls’ mural, but his idea is better.

  18. scribble says:

    Just wondering, does the LTLP read your blog?!

  19. Johng. says:

    Can’t Short Tony put the sign up, or isn’t the ladder long enough?

  20. clarissa says:

    erection
    a rousing mural
    sextarian voilence
    sexblog

  21. in my mind [Jonny is] much sexier than Roy Cropper

    Way to raise the bar, there, blueskies2day. Nevertheless, in your mind is the only place where that is likely to be true…

  22. Fj says:

    “in my mind [Jonny is] much sexier than Roy Cropper”

    Hard to be less sexier than Roy Cropper ….

  23. Pat says:

    where did the deplorable habit of adding ‘age’ to a perfectly adequate word – signage – come from. I suspect the usual – Ivan’s chosen land. Not what we expect of the usually flawless LTLP.

    Clarissa: FOUL DRAINAGE DOWN PIPE?

  24. Blazing says:

    An old Paxo sign may have the added benefit of keeping the layers productive?

  25. JonnyB says:

    I have no idea who this ‘Roy Cropper’ person is – I’m sorry.

  26. NAGA - The Street says:

    ‘I have no idea who this ‘Roy Cropper’ person is – I’m sorry.’

    He is Ken Barlows brother.

    You must have heard of KEN?!

  27. Will H says:

    Jonny,

    Its just been revealed that Gordon Brown will be taking a couple weeks holiday later this month.

    In Norfolk…

  28. bittersweet says:

    Perhaps LTLP had in mind a trailing honeysuckle for the trellis? You might add a few of those large plastic butterflies … if you dared.

  29. cyranoq says:

    The LTLP doesn’t know when she’s well off. Railway signs? She should see what some peoples’ spouses collect!

  30. GingerBollox says:

    I knew a bloke who collected prostitute’s ears. His wife never complained so I think LTLP is being a tad unreasonable.

  31. guyana gyal says:

    Prostitutes’ ears! GingerBollox, you’re only saying this to make JonnyB feel good.

  32. scribble says:

    Sorry to stray off the topic at hand, but.. I have had to shut my chickens up today as the fox has now eaten four of the eleven I had. I’m concerned that they will be bored and fed up in the shed all day. I was wondering, as you are the expert, what you think of slinging a radio in there and playing some soothing music, (probably not heavy metal, incase it makes them angry, or opera incase it makes them suicidal). Just wondered if you or anyone had some suggestions!! 🙂

  33. NAGA says:

    Scribble: Might I respectfully suggest – THIS IS 2008! Chickens these days prefer their entertainment to be way of DVD. And don’t forget the nibbles in small dishes.

  34. Pat says:

    Scribble: dig a moat if you have not already got a pond with an island in the middle and install a drawbridge which you draw up at night to foil the foxes.
    We saw one in action at our holiday cottage in Dorset. Click on Pat and in side -bar click on ‘Lunch at Ilchester Arms’ under ‘Previous.’
    The photo labelled ‘Back at the ranch’ shows the animals, the lily covered pond, the pen on the left and just the edge of the drawbridge. It was not only beautiful but it worked.

  35. guyana gyal says:

    A moat! Who woulda thunk it! I must pass that idea on to chicken-minders here.

  36. NAGA says:

    Chicken Island – Sounds like a great title for a blog. Or a book swiftly followed by the film.

  37. JonnyB says:

    Wasn’t chicken island where Nelson Mandela was imprisoned?

  38. Pat says:

    No Jonny. It was Robben which you could say sounds like a bird so good try:)

  39. Lisa says:

    Survivor will be held on Chicken Island next. Only circus geeks will be part of the competition. It’s going to be pretty disgusting.

  40. sablonneuse says:

    Well I think you should build a model railway for the chickens to play on and then you could put all your sign up round their run for them to read.

  41. Nadia says:

    Could put the signs on the drawbridge in the moat, no? “Foxes Beware, Attack Chickens Past this Point”?

  42. GingerBollox says:

    Or you could leave a trail of Glacier Mints leading away from the chickens. Though this plan could be quite pants if your chickens have a sweet tooth. Mind you, I suppose a hen with a sweet tooth would indeed be rarer than a hen with teeth which I believe the rarity of measures a 3.7 on the Polkot scale of rareness.

  43. Pat says:

    How can a fox tell if a trail is leading away or towards the chickens Mr Ginger B? You haven’t thought this through now have you?

  44. tea and cake says:

    HAHAHAHA, Pat! You’ve surely got gingerbollox by the short’n curlies there!

    Jonny, your sign for the gable end (bringing us all back to subject) could read ‘Only Lay in the Village.’ This could bring in extra income for you when people stop to buy your eggs. Enough to buy more signs! Sorted!

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