“Are you coming, or what?”

Big A stands impatiently at the front door. I dump my woods and hurry out to Nigel’s car.

“I’m sorry,” I apologise, leaping breathlessly into the back, “I had to have the usual conversation with the LTLP. ‘Are you going to the Village Pub again then?’ ‘Yes, of course I am going to the Village Pub.’ ‘But you went to the Village Pub two years ago.'”

We go to the Village Pub.

Big A gives a sad nod as we pootle up the road. “Mine said something like ‘why don’t you go a bit later?'”. We tut. It is already almost nine o’clock. This is the trouble with bowls WAGs. They start off by supporting you and being all interested in the game, but the next thing you know they are demanding to be taken to the glitzy venues and then roasted.

There is huge testosterone bouncing around the car, with Nigel turning up Classic FM extra loud. He is the Fernando Torres of drawing in gently on the forehand and under his skippership we have administered a sound beating to a strong local rival. This is likely to send us towards the top of the table!!!

I consider buying some Cristal champagne, but decide to have a pint of Olde Tripp instead, which is a sort of bling London Pride. There is the feeling that for the first time this season or, indeed, any season, we have got our act together as a remorseless and determined bowls unit. I stay for another couple of pints, but leave quietly despite Big A’s entreaties to stay – I need to conserve my energy and am wary of tabloid attention. This season could be it. It could be it.

21 Comments

  1. Does TLTLP know you used the term ‘roasted’ on your blog, JonnyB? I suspect not…

  2. When you say ‘This season could be it…’ what, precisely is the ‘it’ to which you allude? 🙂

  3. I’m slightly confused – was this 9am or 9pm? How late is late? How keen are you?
    You mention being a “remorseless & determined bowls unit”, then there’s talk of a couple of pints (milk?) and off home!
    Was bowls actually practised or competed at with another “strong local rival”.
    Or was this just a planning & confidence-building exercise?
    Looking forward to scores & results!

  4. There is commercial presently airing in Canada where office colleagues spit their coffee or water out at the announcement by one of them that “you know, these All Bran Breakfast Bars taste great!”

    I know how they feel, as I’ve just spewed my coffee out on reading about “bowls WAGS.”

    Though don’t you mean “two nights ago” rather than two years ago?” How much time has passed without me noticing whilst reading your blog? I’m rather alarmed.

  5. I’d LOVE to be a bowls WAG. I would never lose interest. I’m pretty much an amateur Petanque WAG as it is! But with old French men who I don’t know.

  6. More success at Bowls than Chicken Keeping and Snooker then Jonny!

  7. “…the top of the table!!!”

    Are finally going to marry the poor LTLP?

  8. spit roast? or just the whole hog?

    i witnessed a delightful domestic scene today, Jonny, enacted at my toddler’s club. Complete with dolly, a young couple watched TV together, sipped hot chocolate and then fell out as to whom went to the pub – alone. She won.

  9. If you like ale, and I can’t imagine why any one wouldn’t, have you tried some Bishops Finger? Might be ideal for bowling days.

  10. Whatever happened to the snooker team or does their season not start until July??

  11. You went home to dump your woods first, Jonny? Rookie error I’m afraid. If you don’t stop home en route to the pub, the nagging-martinet-who’s-been-out-actually-earning-a-wage-all-day-only-to-come-home-and-find-the-toddler-dumped-on-her-by-the-selfish-toad-who-can’t-even-be-asked-to-put-a-bloody-ring-on-her-finger has no opportunity to complain in the first place. And so peace and tranquillity reign until you stagger in at midnight and throw dinner at the wall. Learn from the experts my boy.

    I recommended Bishop’s Finger to a colleague of mine once, fatmammycat, and for some reason he started crying. Bloody weirdos, those ex-choirboys, I tell you…

  12. I know Ivan, they probably need a good dose of Spitfire to soften their cough first.

  13. So does Nige not drink? And are you walking distance from the pub?
    Like you EVER answer my questions.

  14. ‘I need to conserve my energy and am wary of tabloid attention’

    Have you sold the story and photo rights to your bowls season to OK then?

  15. Presumably they’ll be paying you in chickens.

  16. At heart, I think we’d all like to be taken to a glitzy venue and then roasted. Or even roasted first. I might have a bit of a roast later, if possible, although I’d need to locate some amenable parties. Which isn’t that likely given the timescales. Maybe I’ll just go to the pub and then phone those lassies on Sky. I can ask them how they feel about the roasting situation – I should imagine they’d probably be quite up for it. Although sometimes I can’t understand what they’re saying because they won’t stop bouncing up and down. I’ll have to get them to stop that.

  17. I hate to be as cynical, warped and bitter as Ivan [1] but was this “sound beating” due to the non-appearance of the “strong local rival?”

    I imagine that any possible movement from the bottom of the table must send you towards the top. You can’t be relegated from the “Norfolk village bowls league” (division 7) can you? [2]

    [1] This is a lie, I’d love to be every bit as cynical, warped and bitter as Ivan, so long as I also had his writing ability, damn him.

    [2] Perhaps you can, I haven’t been paying sufficiently close attention or keeping cross-indexed notes of this sort of thing.

  18. @Naga

    I’m puzzled – isn’t JonnyB already married to the LTLP.

    See September 17, 2004 – or was that some sort of triple bluff type imposter thing?

  19. Rufus S Later: Oh NO! You have ruined everything now. Booooooooooo.

    Are you sure that wasn’t another LTLP?

  20. @Naga

    I expect you are right, It was possibly the one he hit on the head with the ladder, or maybe the one he ran over outside the hospital. Am I remembering this right?

    Jonny must have some sort of fixation on internationally renowned female scientists. If I remember correctly all his LTLPs have been globetrotting IRFS.

  21. Isn’t someone going to explain the ‘roasting’ mention, is it to with chickens?

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