At the beginning of the season, the league organisers took half a look at the Village team playing before allowing us all a generous handicap of 21 points. That meant that we got a 21-point head start against basically anybody who had ever picked up a snooker cue in their lives, ever.

Half way through the season, following our regime of practising, completing league and cup games, and playing semi-competitive matches amongst ourselves, they have come to regret their decision. As from the start of 2008 they have decided to up our handicap to 28 points, this being the maximum that anybody can have.

We were determined to prove them wrong in the first home fixture under the new regime, and thus pulled out all the stops and raised our game accordingly. After losing five frames to nil, we decided to stay for a practice frame amongst ourselves. The opposition elected to stay and watch because ‘it will be entertaining’.

This week we pulled off a huge coup, playing one of the best teams in the league!!! Medium-sized John required a snooker – which he got!!! Before we lost five frames to nil. I proudly took my opponent to a black-ball finish, as I started with a 28 point lead and he kept fouling. But I then missed the black ball completely thus conceding the frame.

There is something honourable in being so bad at something yet persisting. There is a piety yet a self-fulfilment that one simply does not get with success. Years back, everybody laughed at Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards for being a fundamentally blind rubbish ski-jumper who practised by crouching in his skis strapped atop a plasterer’s van that sped round the streets of Gloucestershire. But he was one of the true English heroes, and so are we all.

23 thoughts on “Snooker update.

  1. ganching says:

    First and I have no idea what to say!

  2. There is something honourable in being so bad at something yet persisting.Like government-run schools?

  3. Rufus S Later says:

    I christen you Jonny “Zephyr” Billericay.

  4. Dylan says:

    Back in the day, I was one of the worst basketball player in my school, despite being 6ft 2. The school decided to put on a lunchtime basketball tournament, and using arch-negotiation skills, I managed to persuade all the best basketball players to guest for my team in a weird school version of the Harlem Globetrotters. We got to the final before the players realised they’d been hoodwinked by the Eddie The Eagle of school basketball, and that I had barely made it onto the court once…

    I don’t suppose Stephen Hendry and Ronnie O’Sullivan live in your area, do they?

  5. Wan2BukleMaShu says:

    Well, the Lord loves trier Mr B
    ……..but then in most religions the chosen deity loves everyone, as long as they apologise enough for any naughtiness.

    Therefore, if you try, and ensure you say sorry if you balls it up, pot the brown accidently, or handle the pink, all will be well.

    *smiles angelically*

  6. Wan2BukleMaShu says:

    Aww balls! ..sorry.

    A trier …That’s ‘A’ trier.

  7. Seems to me you’re not really trying, Jonny. Have you considered losing seven-nil? Or even nine-nil? I’m sure there’s a Guinness record in there somewhere, to go with the ones you already have for chicken-fucking and “Most Shamelessly Parasitic Existence Exploiting LTLP With Proper Job”. And until you came along those were both pimp-only categories…

  8. Mr Wibble says:

    I dare say the current England rugby squad could provide some sterling inspiration…

  9. Brennig says:

    The olympian spirit of the truly amateur sportsman is alive and well and living in Norfolk. It’s good to see and warms the cockles.

  10. AndrewM says:

    It’s not the winning, it’s the taking part.

    And the beer, obviously.

  11. Fanto says:

    “There is something honourable in being so bad at something yet persisting. There is a piety yet a self-fulfilment that one simply does not get with success.”

    Being Scottish, I have no idea what you mean

  12. Damian says:

    Your snooker game reminds me of my work at the moment.

  13. JonnyB says:

    We cannot lose more than five nil, as we play only five frames. So essentially I suppose the only way is up.

  14. Ole Phat Stu says:

    Sobvious innit!

    You should wear skis whilst playing snooker and practice on top of a movin’ van 😉

  15. Lisa says:

    We have lots of snow in Canada at present! I would be happy to contribute it to your exciting snow-snooker-moving van game. Or for whatever purpose, just take it away, please and thank you.

  16. Bob says:

    There is something honourable in being so bad at something yet persisting. Like government-run schools?

    No, Joan! Like routing for the Texas Rangers.

  17. Birdy says:

    I am bad at so many things that I verge on pure genius.

  18. Steve says:

    Winning til you missed the black, eh? Remember,Jonny, the best craftsmen always make one mistake in everything they make or do so that the Gods don’t punish them for their arrowgance.

  19. clarissa says:

    Like commenter 1, I am speechless.

    Being in the presence of a hero will do that.

  20. Jenny says:

    I have no idea what Snooker is, or how you play it, but it sounds dirty.

    number 20!!!!!

  21. Pat says:

    Jenny – I think it’s something like billiards where you knock balls into pockets with a long pole which you keep rubbing blue stuff on and you have to beware of doing the unforgiveable : tearing the cush. That’s the essence I think, but I don’t play myself since the unfortunate episode at Waterfoot.

  22. ell says:

    “There is something honourable in being so bad at something yet persisting.”

    Fucking. Brilliant. The story of my life.

  23. Prof Scrub says:

    Dear Snooker expert,

    I once had a black ball finish and its true what they say, once I went black…

    Prof Scrub

Comments are closed.