There is no real reason why I need a cell phone these days. I do not have important people to call any more, and I have no friends to text. Apparently however I need to be contactable by the nursery in an Emergency, or they ring Social Services instead.

The LTLP has now got a Blackberry, which means that half my emails are things like ‘get the dinner on’. So I have taken her old phone, which is a Motorola and bright lurid pink.

One of the advantages of living in a small village is that nobody is particularly bothered about fashion or stuff, so it is not as if people will laugh at me for having a bright lurid pink phone. Unfortunately the first time I have to use it is in the middle of the shopping centre in King’s Lynn in the school holidays. I huddle up with my body pressed against a wall, trying to take the call with my head tucked underneath my anorak. I do not want to find myself the subject of the weekly “POLICE HUNT ‘MINDLESS’ ATTACKERS” headline in the local newspaper.

I am relieved when the call ends and I am able to escape to the security of home. It is actually quite a snazzy phone, with features such as a camera and the ability to play a tune when a call arrives rather than just a ringing noise. I have to say that I am quite proud of it.

I go to the Village Pub.

Everybody points and laughs at me.

38 thoughts on “My phone has broken.

  1. Dickie "Touch" Tingles says:

    Morning, old boy.

    I do not possess a cell phone either, as they are gay and generally for people who like to have sex with men. I have not the slightest use for one. Nothing in my life is so important that it can’t wait a few hours until I get home.

    I would not have have pointed and laughed at you. No, on second thoughts, strike that. I would have, but only for having one rather than the colour thereof.

    I am also on neither Face Book nor My Space, which I gather is very 2006 nowadays. I am actually aged 32. How many people of my age can make such a proud boast?



  2. Duck says:

    Pointing and laughing as we speak

  3. ellie says:

    Pink is never good on a man, not in phones or clothing, not in town or village, it’s just wrong!

  4. ST says:

    It wasn’t the phone…

  5. Rachel Green says:

    I think it’s liberated of you to use a pink phone. Good for you.

  6. Will H says:

    Ha Ha!

    Look at that guy with the massive head and a poncey haircut – he’s got a girls phone!

  7. Tony says:

    I have the perfect solution for you.

    This weekend the kids were watching the film ‘A Bridge to Terabitia’. The main teenage boy character was forced to wear pink hand-me-down trainers from his sister top school, so he used a black marker pen to colour over all the pink bits!

    Can’t be that hard to do to a phone. Just remember not to use it in the rain or you’ll get a black ear.

  8. “I have no friends…”

    And a warm welcome to Self-Awareness Corner to you, Jonny.

  9. Gerbil says:

    get some of the LTLP’s nail varnish, and paint it whatever colour you want. My phone is green now….

  10. JonnyB says:

    You used to be able to get new covers for phones, but this is one of those foldy ones and I don’t know if they sell them. Not that I am worried about what people think, oh no.

  11. greavsie says:

    Maybe you could use the spectral information of Hue, Saturation and Luminance as a description?

    ‘My phone is 200, 240, 180!’

  12. JonnyB says:

    No – mine is a bit chunkier than that.

  13. Eliza says:

    i nail varnished my old phone and it rang half way through….

  14. mb says:

    you can get the internet on phones now. Infact i’m typing this on my phone.

    Whilst sitting on the toilet.

  15. Rufus S Later says:

    Dear mb
    too much information.

    Dear jennyb
    I’m sure pink suits you, don’t worry about it.

  16. tillylil says:

    poor johnny – the village idiot again!

  17. bromman says:

    Sounds a right old camp-on if you ask me!

  18. Richard says:

    You will have to get one of those unobtrusive bluetooth headsets that make you look as though you’re talking to the tiny voices in your head in order to stop looking like a gayer. The choice is yours, Jonny.

  19. Lisa says:

    Tsk, stop making fun of Jonny. Here, you can get these boys to do a pink cellphone campaign for you maybe!

  20. Pat says:

    Be a man! Have the guts to have a pink phone and be different – as I used to tell my boys when they objected to wearing white knee socks.
    You may not be old and infirm but you sure are accident prone which is why you, of all people need a mobile, be it pink, blue or polka dotted.

  21. NAGA - Is On Holiday says:

    ‘I go to the Village Pub.

    Everyone points and laughs at me.’

    Was it the anorak?

  22. Linda says:

    I want to say that it is no big deal. Use the phone like a manly man, but I have to say, it makes me laugh to think of you clutching a pink phone. Got a can a spray paint? Just be sure you can open it before it fully dries.

  23. Rachel says:

    ‘I answered the phone under my anorak’ – enough said!

  24. gwenn says:

    so..does this make you the Village Metrosexual?

  25. Don’t let anyone laugh at you; I inherited my daughter’s phone, and it’s not only pink but glittery. I flaunt it!

  26. neve nera says:

    can’t imagine you with a pink mob. but as some have state make it your thing. and be careful, if guys start buying you too many beers, you over did it.

  27. why was the nursery calling you in the holidays?

    perhaps they needed a light bulb changed … what was that joke again?

  28. JonnyB says:

    I am not sure that all this advice is entirely helpful.

    I am going to a funeral today. It will be doubly mortifying should I forget to switch it off.

  29. Pat says:

    I swear if anyone leaves their mobile on at my funeral I shall rise up and smite them.

  30. Tom says:

    why not change the ringtone to “girls just wanna have fun” or something macho like that?

    complete the image.

  31. neve nera says:

    I agree with tom, you must complete the image. but I think sth from madonna would be more appropriate. and one more thing, I always have a obsessive -compulsive method when it comes to finerals and mobile phones.

  32. Tom says:

    i think most of madonnas back catalogue would probably suit the role quite well.

  33. Lozzy says:

    Why not download a Pink Tone from Pantherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

  34. laura love says:

    cell phone?? i thought you was a brit?

  35. rashbre says:

    Black gaffer tape on the cellular’s casing as if to hold it together should do the trick:

    (a) implies you’ve been in some rough places;
    (b) disguises it from hooded folk;
    (c) people need specific courage to ask you about it and
    (d) the “hand nearly wrenched off when stopping a runaway combine harvester about to plough into a fast food restaurant (only damage was the phone)” story can be used to good effect.

  36. Greg Fritchen says:

    Dickie is dickie. People have cell phones for other reasons than for people to call them. They can be the jack of several trades for emergency (peace of mind) phone calls (incoming OR outgoing), calling when YOU want to, camera, video, music, internet, GPS… Who cares about anyone wanting to get hold of you when you can block whomever you choose from calling you? If you still don’t like cell phones, so what? Most people do and most of us knows we’re no more important (or gay) than the next guy… we just enjoy them.

  37. JonnyB says:

    Greg, my friend – your comment has made my day.

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