I step back from the bar in some alarm. At this point I am unaware of the situation, and all that I see is a balding man with bared teeth. He makes some ‘yes! Yes!’ noises, and orders a pint.

A scoresheet is thrust in my direction. I study it, intrigued.

We have won a snooker match!!! I blink at the figures.

We have won a snooker match!!! The scores are there in black and white, and do not lie. This is a crazy situation. We are possibly the worst snooker club that have ever picked up cues. This is a ludicrous situation.

It is typical. I drop out for one single match, and we only go and win it. Blimey. We’d have absolutely thrashed them had I been playing, surely.

Starting the snooker club this year was just one of those stupid things we did. None of us can remotely play snooker. But Colin had been reassuring, being the sole remaining link to the original Village snooker club that had existed years back.

“We were always crap,” he had promised. “Utterly crap. Renowned for it. In fact I can’t think that we ever won a match. Ever.”

It is a shame when such a long-established 100% record falls. Something has been lost that cannot be regained, like a horse’s virginity. The Chipper Barman disappears off to the back room to photocopy the result for mounting somewhere.

“Who were they?” I puzzle, referring to the opposition. It seems inconceivable that anybody else could be worse than us. Even the hard-nosed sports reporters at the local paper take pity on us, and only print the top eight in the league table.

There are nine teams in the league.

It is an odd way to end the year, and perhaps a good omen for the next. If we can achieve this win, then there’s no reason why the Arabs and Israelis can’t pull their finger out and achieve world peace, along with the climate problem and the whales.

16 thoughts on “John bares his teeth triumphantly.

  1. allybarbar says:

    Who were they?

  2. Mark says:

    “the climate problem and the whales”

    Is this a popular beat combo whose music I am missing ?

  3. Brennig says:

    I have a problem with the Wales too…

  4. I know, I know, that was a ridiculous suggestion. He is clearly playing pool, not snooker…

  5. Have you been deflowering horses again, Jonny? It’s not healthy, you know, that you always go there first. No wonder your snookering is so crap when you insist on pickling your cue in a horse’s ha-ha…

  6. Z says:

    Congratulations! I know you didn’t play, but you are still a valued member of the team.

    I think the climate problem has already been achieved, but I’m not sure what your ambition is regarding whales.

  7. Next thing you know, the Miami Dolphins will win a game…

  8. Sophie says:

    “A horse’s ha-ha”?! Consider my mind boggled …

  9. NAGA - Life Coach To The Stars says:

    Was it a walk through?

    The snooker match, not the horse’s virginity.

    The horse ‘ha ha’, I believe, is the technical term for keep cattle out, or in, whichever floats your boat!

    Dark room, lay down.

  10. jenniferclyde says:

    I hear Horse’s Ha-ha will be opening for The Climate Problem and The Whales on their next tour.

  11. Wan2BukleMaShu says:

    Whoa there Mr B…
    We’ve got Pony porn, barman mounting in secrecy and a request for digit extraction…….?!

    ..and then, guffawing gee-gee growlers! a night-mare indeed.

    Did I read it right, or have I had one too many alcohol infused mince pies?

  12. Linda says:

    I didn’t know horses worried about their virginity, lost or otherwise.

  13. Gerbil says:

    We have endless fun in the country…

  14. Bob says:

    Deflowered ponies? Well, you Brits certainly play snooker differently.

  15. ellie says:


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