One of the major overlooked issues that bubbles under the surface of on-the-face-of-it idyllic rural life is the lack of snooker clubs in the villages. Retirees moving in, second-home owners, local people being priced out of their own homes – all have contributed to a scenario where it is common now to find a village, or even a large hamlet, without a major snooker club. It is a shame.

Which is why we have decided to do something about it. There is no point waiting for help from central government, as they are all townies or Scottish; I would doubt very much whether Brussels would be interested. Pulling together as a community, we have secured the kind donation of a barn and a full size snooker table. It is brilliant.

Snooker is shit these days, a bit like tennis. None of the old interesting characters play any more (eg Cliff Thorburn the grinder, John Spencer (who picked his nose) and Ray Reardon (who dressed up as Dracula in the funny film)). The new players are not even fat enough to be convincing. There has to be a connection between this and the lack of snooker playing opportunities for interesting fat people in rural villages.

We aim to put an end to this unfairness. So far we have me, Short Tony, Martin the IT Consultant, Eddie and Big Andy involved, although Big Andy cannot actually play as it is on Tuesdays when his wife is at badminton. You might say that we cannot play both bowls and snooker to a high standard, well CB Fry managed it AND that was in football and cricket where you can basically rely on other people.

Tonight will be our second club meeting; I shall ensure that the world is kept abreast of events via this journal.