Little white maggots!!! Crawling around my larder, over the jars, around the tops of the bottles!!!

Actually, they might be tiny little flies. They’re so small – perhaps half a millimetre long – that you can’t really tell what they are. They could be very tiny little cattle for all I know.

I don’t know why they have targeted my particular larder. Perhaps they specifically like the organic food that I buy more than other people’s chemically treated stuff. I thought I had eliminated them by spraying loads of flyspray all over it, but they have risen from the dead, like maggot Tony Christies.

I am not sure what to do. I can peacefully coexist with rabbits, and the mole – whilst annoying – wasn’t the end of the world. The wood mice in the shed fall firmly into the ‘ooh aren’t they cute’ category, the pheasants and pigeons are both harmless and potential food. The shrew hasn’t been seen for some time, but has an amusing and intrinsically funny name, the hedgehogs keep themselves to themselves, the annoying Ben Elton squeaky thing hasn’t been heard for a while and even Short Tony’s remaining dog only comes across for a shit very occasionally, which gets cleared up with a shamefaced air.

At least they are country maggots. If I’d have had them whilst living in a flat in London I’d have been vaguely freaked out, as clearly they’d have carried all sorts of diseases. Whereas here they seem somehow cleaner and more natural. Unless they are little cattle, of course, in which case they would be extremely unnatural, but handy for the milk.

My plan at the moment is to use existentialist particle physics against them. As I understand it, according to Schrodinger, who was a very renowned scientist before the RSPCA prosecuted him, the maggots only exist when I turn the light on and look at them. Therefore, I try not to do this as much as possible, using the theory that all the blinking in and out of existence will cause some form of breakdown in their cell walls.

Note that this is properly scientific and not just ‘hoping that they will go away’.