I go to the hospital.

The drive there would normally be a pleasant bimble around winding country lanes, but is rendered more alarming by the fact that I can’t use the clutch properly and my crutches keep sliding off the passenger seat and interfering with the steering wheel.

(Big A is fortunately disabled and has been able to lend me some equipment on a temporary basis.)

I spend ages finding a parking space before locating the only one available. It is about 1000000 miles from the hospital entrance. As I leave the car, I realise that I need to ‘pay and display’. The nearest pay point is about 500000 miles in the other direction. I consider driving to it, but other space-seeking cars are prowling around like wasps, so I set off slowly on the crutches.

By about lunchtime I have reached the machine and paid for a parking ticket. I have a bit of a rest before I contemplate my return. Finally, I inch back towards the car. I see a pair of eyes regarding me hopefully from behind a windscreen. No. I’m not fucking leaving.

Ages later, I have completed the return 500000 miles, like in some extreme cover version of a Proclaimers song for the disabled. I leave the ticket. I have another rest. I inch towards the hospital, which has suddenly become uphill.

After about three hours, I stop to take a rest. My hands are bruised and aching from the crutches. I have clearly put on a lot of weight in the three days since I haven’t been able to exercise.

Inching forward again. Inch, inch, inch. The hospital is now 3000000 miles away, due to continental drift. My appointment card has crumbled away into dust. I rest, accidentally putting some weight on my leg. I hop around for a bit and swear.

For somebody as sporty and active as me, it is a cruel fate to find oneself suddenly in such a position. Like people selling Live8 tickets on Ebay, there are some things that one can not possibly forsee happening, and to go from being a fit and dynamic man who plays bowls most weeks (sometimes twice) to being the poor potential subject of a Blue Peter appeal is a hammer blow.

Make the most of your lives, my friends. Do not waste a single precious moment of your youth. ‘Tomorrow’ may not arrive – there is only ‘today’ and you must enjoy it while you are able to.

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