I am excited to read that scientists have worked out how the body clock affects our daily lives.

They are terribly clever, what with their white lab coats and clipboards and everything. The thing is, I’m not sure that they’re right on all counts.

They did a table, showing how our bodies work differently throughout the day. It goes like this:

1-2am: Urine production is at its lowest
This is rubbish. My urine production really starts to get going round about this point, and I am clearly not alone in this.

3-4am: Body at its lowest ebb – most likely to die
This is alarming, especially as I am normally asleep at this point (except when I get up to go for a wee wee (see above)). Which means that I can’t take any action to avert the ‘likely to die’ bit, like get a drink of water or some paracetamol etc etc. It must be quite useful to know however, especially if you are a journalist hanging around Yasser Arafat – you may as well get a bit of kip and come back in a few hours time.

5-6am: Growth hormones peak
Annoyingly, I am still asleep. It would be far more interesting if this happened during the day, then you could stand in front of a full-length mirror, watching yourself grow. As it is, it seems a bit of a waste.

7-8am: …sperm count highest – most likely to conceive
Somebody here is taking the piss. This is all very well, but frankly I’m not – well – that is to say, I’m not at my most alluring at this point. Something has clearly gone wrong with evolution if this is the best time to plan conception. I’ve just woken up, my hair’s all over the place, I haven’t cleaned my teeth and I’ve sweated all night so it’s not particularly nice – you know – down there.

9-10am: …short-term memory and logical reasoning at their best
Again, a bit of a waste. I’ve just got up and nothing has happened to give me things to remember in the short term. It would be better if this happened around 7pm when the LTLP gets home, so when she asks what I’ve been doing all day I can give her a better answer than ‘oh, this and that’.

11am-12 noon: Concentration at its best
Sorry. You were saying?

1-2pm: Peak urine production
Rubbish (see above). I am going to measure how much wee wee I do between 1 and 2 today.

3-4pm: Lung function at its best
If I ever go a bit eccentric and start ringing people at random from the phone book and just breathe at them, then I will make a note to do this mid-afternoon. I might ask my friend the Policeman if there are statistics on the times heavy breathers usually make their calls.

5-6pm: Body at its fittest – best time to exercise; alertness peaks; body at its most flexible, muscle tone peaks
This is very useful to know. I will plan to always play Short Tony at tennis at this time, and with my insider knowledge I will thrash him every time. Ha ha!!!

Note (1) – thinking about it, his body will probably work the same as mine, so my advantage may well be negated.

Note (2) – and it will be dark.

7-8pm: …digestive system at its best
This is the first sensible thing the body clock has done all day. Just when I’m having my dinner and all.

9-10pm: …libido at its highest
Again, this is more like it! I would guess this is especially on Friday and Saturday. By this point I have usually had a couple of beers, and I’m raring to go and not particularly choosy. Honestly, if any lovely lady readers are looking at this after around 9pm, then give me a shout and we’ll go from there. Towards 10pm you won’t even need to be that lovely. Or ladylike.

11pm-12 midnight: …ovulation most likely
Hmmm.

So you see – a mixed bag.

And what happens to our bodies during every other hour in between?!?

I shall ponder this over the weekend.

Have a good one.

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