The cheese knife went missing!!!
It was not in the drawer where the cheese knife lives. I checked twice. Clearly, somebody had misfiled it.
It is the most annoying thing in the world. Somebody else uses your kitchen and puts things away in the wrong place. Like – I have a particular system for filing the coffee mugs (all to do with their relative shapes and the fact that you can stack some on top of others, but not vice versa). But so many times when we have had visitors and they have ‘helped’, chaos has ensued. The coffee mug shelf has been full, but there have still been mugs left over. All to do with INEFFICIENT STACKING.
Anyway. They were due to arrive in an hour. How the hell were my guests supposed to cut their cheese???
I had a particularly tasty platter lined up, as well. Montgomery’s Cheddar – one of the best. Beaufort – stunningly nutty and strong. Shropshire Blue, Old Amsterdam and some unpasteurised Brie that even the Cess Pit Emptying Man would have treated with a certain professional caution.
All wasted, however, in the absence of the cheese knife. I have gone to all this trouble and they will think I am some sort of uncultured peasant. Honestly. I may as well dress up in Burberry and change my name to Darren.
I looked all round the kitchen then back in the cheese knife drawer. It had magically reappeared, even though it was definitely not there when I looked before. Clearly, something inexplicable was going on.
I removed Schrodinger’s Cheese Knife with wonder. It seemed normal enough, so I placed it lovingly on the platter.
My cheese board was complete.
I started to rehearse my polite conversation.