I have a DIY crisis.

A year or so ago, I made a shelf for herbs and spices.

‘Made’ here is used in its most basic sense insofar as I cut a bit of wood to the rightish length and attempted to screw it on to the larder wall.

Unfortunately, the bricks forming the larder wall are as ancient and as crumbly as could be, so the drill took massive chunks out, melting it like cheese. By that point it was getting on a bit and I was getting bored, so I just belted the wood straight into the bricks with six inch nails.

They sort of held it. It was at a bit of an angle, but the jars balanced on there OK and it was out of sight behind a corner.

I felt very manly. I had made a shelf. Now I could easily get to my oregano.

Now I find that the shelf is sagging to what looks like thirty degrees. For the life of me, I can’t work out the physics that keeps the jars perched on there. Something to do with surface tension.

I think my next step will be ‘No More Nails’. If superglue’s good enough for Frank Spencer, it’s good enough for me.

If I’m honest, I’ve never been particularly practical. At our last place I had to take an inch or so off the bottom of a door, as it was sticking on a shaggy new carpet.

So I carefully removed the door and took two inches or so off. Just to be sure, like.

I then replaced the door, but it was still sticking. However, there was a two-inch gap at the top. It was kind of funny in a ‘throw oneself off Beachy Head’ sort of way.


But it provided a conversation piece when the estate agent and prospective buyers came round.