Thing Donor Comments
Gastric flu Child #1 I wake up, having spent the night shivering and shitting brown water. I cancel my birthday party.
Diarrhoea tablets Short Tony & Family They think they are funny.
A soft toy that sings ‘oh my darling Clementine’ in a high-pitched voice My sister, RonnieB When you are laid up on the sofa on your birthday, there is nothing that will cheer you up more than repeated plays of ‘oh my darling Clementine’ in a high-pitched voice.
A ghastly porcelain figurine Eddie and Eddie They think they are funny.
A professional bowls shirt with my name on the back Unlucky John I will get crucified at the bowls club for this.
A biography of Leonard Cohen My mother and father When you are laid up on the sofa on your birthday, there is nothing that will cheer you up more than reading a biography of Leonard Cohen.
A royalty cheque My publisher It arrives on my birthday! The amount is happily a bit more than I’d anticipated. I will have to think of something special to spend it on.
A demand for payment of my bar tab The Village Pub It arrives on my birthday! The amount is unhappily a bit more than I’d anticipated. I will have to think of some way of paying it.
Some braces, allegedly used on the Black and White Minstrel Show Glenn, who played bass on the song ‘Toast’ Yet to wear out of the house.


It has been the best birthday ever.

16 thoughts on “Things I got for my 40th Birthday.

  1. ajb1605 says:

    Well! What can one say? Happy Birthday!

  2. Z says:

    Many happy returns. Maybe you should arrange and then cancel a party every year, if it makes you happy.

  3. JonnyB says:

    Bah. Thank you.

  4. Damian says:

    Happy Birthday. I was 40 this year too. I has forgotten the significance
    of the birthday until people started to give me fancy gifts – but nobody gave me anything as thoughtful as gastric flu. You are, indeed, a lucky man.

  5. monkeymother says:

    Happy Birthday JohnnyB. At least the gastric flu will have enabled you to enter your forties a bit thinner than you left your thirties. Not many people can say that. Best present ever.

    The most impressive, however, is that in your weakened condition you were able to design and execute an impeccable spreadsheet: extremely well-designed in its simplicity, but including all the necessary info. Some of those management gurus could learn from you.

    Congratulations all round.

  6. tillylil says:

    life begins ……

  7. JonnyB says:

    Monkeymother, thank you, I am available for presentations, motivational seminars etc etc.

  8. The more I hear about Servalan, the more I like her. She’s obviously wise – and cunning – beyond her tender years. Your sister seems to have her head screwed on right as well. I predict that Servalan and Aunt Ronnie will be great pals.

    I think the diarrhoea tablets are funny too, so that makes it official. But hilarious is laxative tablets stuffed in an anti-diarrhoea box. Something that I suspect that Short Tony already knows, and that you are about to find out…

  9. 40 years old?! How convenient that you decided to have grandchildren first!

  10. Zoe says:

    I’d take the porcelain figurine to your nearest boot market and flog it. Ghastly things. That would help towards your bar tab, surely?

  11. spazmo says:

    Just think of the satisfying future payback; blissfully and repeatedly soiling yourself at your daughter’s 40th birthday celebration. You might even be a witless drooler by then.

    Ah, the circle of life. Many happy returns, Jonny.

  12. Blazing says:

    Only forty, ya lucky devil. Email me your address and I’ll send my one Leonard Cohen cd just to finish you off! Happy birthday young sir.

  13. What an absolute delight; I’m forty 13 weeks on Wednesday. You’ve really added to the excitement of the run-up…

  14. guyana gyal says:

    You must be feeling quite drained now

    after working on this chart.

    Great work! You can do always this for free, for The Village Pub, to pay them what you owe.

    Happy 40th!

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    Please link it to your site if you find it interesting.


  16. Brennig says:

    Late to the party, I’m sorry. But very many happy returns. I do hope you have ended the shitting brown water by now.

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