I receive word of an incident at the supermarket.

“You won’t believe what happened!” says the LTLP.

She has been to the supermarket. Because she is at home from work after having Baby #2, she has been doing stuff like this a lot, and cooking. It is a bit disconcerting for me, like some odd gender reversal thing. I have reclaimed the traditional male role, whereas normally my life is more like ‘The Worm That Turned’ by the Two Ronnies. Gradually she is realising the stresses and strains that I endured when fulfiling this ‘staying at home and not really getting a lot of mental stimulation’ thing.

“What?” I demand.

“Well, I was in the supermarket. And the Baby was crying at the checkout. And the assistant asked me if I wanted some help packing and I said ‘yes that would be helpful’ as the Baby was crying, and so the assistant called over to another assistant and they came over and started doing the packing, and I was sort of helping and sort of sorting out the baby,” she explains.

“I see,” I reply.

“And anyway I’d bought a plastic crate to store stuff in, and the assistant who was helping to pack knocked it on to the floor, and there was a big crash and it broke. And the assistant who was doing the till told me not to worry, and sent the other assistant off to get another one off the shelves, but I don’t think that the assistant realised that it was the other assistant who knocked it over; he thought it was me that had knocked it over. So he was sort of looking at me thinking I should be grateful to get another crate as he thought that I had knocked it over, whereas really it was the other assistant who had knocked it over and really it was them who should have been a bit apologetic.”

“So what happened?” I ask.

“They got me another crate.”

There is a pause; I realise the story has reached its conclusion.

“If I were you, I would not bother attempting to write for EastEnders,” I advise.

20 Comments

  1. I believe you are supposed to say ” dear me” and ask her how she feels while you get her a cup of tea.
    That’s what they do in the soaps. Unless you are ‘well hard’.

  2. You are correct in your advice that she shouldn’t bother attempting to write for EastEnders. She should be taking this stuff straight to Hollywood!

  3. More LTLP! I love her her stream of consciousness. Right up my street!

  4. Don’t they say “bag boys” in the UK?
    Because “second-assistant-to-the-till-operator” sounds cumbersome.

    Then again, calling someone a “junior crate-packer” might earn you a punch in the face.

    Anyway, great story!

  5. What an exciting day for LTLP – a little more enthusiasm on your part wouldnt come amiss I feel!

  6. It was a great story. It started with suspense, it worked its way to a universal sympathy, it had an action scene, then it had uncertainty about what was just witnessed, and then a satisfying conclusion. Plus, a baby.

    It was the arc of human life writ small. The LTLP’s grasp of the distillation of The Meaning of Life to a minimalistic interpretation is masterful!

    More, please.

  7. Look – don’t go overboard. This journal is about ME and although I might let her say a few small things and big her up a bit that does not mean that she can completely take over.

  8. After your 5:27 pm comment Jonny I dread to think what some of those precious “few small things” you so generously allow her to say might be… something like “tiny penis” perhaps?

  9. This is like one of those thought-provoking French films where nothing yet everything happens.

    I agree, more, more.

    Don’t worry JonnyB, some of her talent might rub off on you.

  10. Absolutely! If this had been Eastenders, the crate would have flown up and put the LTLP in a wheelchair for several episodes, and Janine would have run off with the baby!

  11. and I thought the gist of the story was going to be that the shop assistants looked after the crying baby leaving LTLP to do her own packing.
    Never was any good at working out ‘Who Dunnit?’

  12. She had the baby? I missed this somehow. What was it, what did you name it? I would think all of that would be worthy of a post.

  13. You have male assistants in supermarkets in your bit of Norfolk? They don’t down South where it’s nearly Suffolk. They’re all women. Not bag girls, either. That doesn’t sound right at all.

  14. What have you done with Ivan the Terrible? Ivan – we need you!

  15. You don’t need me for this rubbish, Alan. Good Lord, I know this is a slow news time of year, but this is ridiculous.

    However, I feel obliged to point out, Jonny, that “reclaiming the traditional male role” would require you to hold down some form of paid employment, rather than just doing even less than you usually do. Surely there’s plenty of seasonal work right now even for someone as pudgy and lethargic as you? Department Store Santa, for starters…

  16. Look Ivan – jhnny B is a creative. Harsh work might destroy his fine faculties.

  17. Department Store, Ivan? In Norfolk?

  18. Can we eliminate the middleman? What is the URL for LTLP’s blog?

  19. You need to tell the LTLP to leave the telling of boring and pointless stories to you, and to go back to doing something girlie, like being a foxy doctor with superb decolletage under her white coat.

  20. Has to be a department store or nothing, AJB – he’s not allowed near schools any more, remember?

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