A few years ago, I was contacted by the Producer/Executive Producer/Top In Charge Thing Man of a new ITV show.

Was there any chance, he asked, of coming up with some sort of website for him? He didn’t really have any money – oh, and it would have to be done quite quickly as he was off to Australia in two weeks, for the opening show. But this internet thing looked an interesting development.

Things I should have done, following contact from the Producer/Executive Producer/Top In Charge Thing Man of a new ITV show:

Race over to see him to discuss it. Leave my job, taking the brightest and best people with me, paying them out of my overdraft, money raised on credit card cheques and the sale of my furniture and heirlooms. Agree to work day and night to build and run a brilliant website for nothing, in return for the online rights to the brand for a fixed period and a share of merchandising sold through the web. Retire to Barbados ten years later.

Things I should not have done, following contact from the Producer/Executive Producer/Top In Charge Thing Man of a new ITV show:

Write him a polite but firm email telling him to eff off and stop wasting my time. Write a further email to everybody in my entire company, explaining that some idiot was planning to take G-list celebrities to a jungle in Australia and make them do moronic tasks, for the sake of a TV show that was clearly going to embarrassingly and publicly bomb. Press ‘send’ (twice).

This thought crops up every year at about this time, as I traipse out into my small garden in Norfolk to offer the chickens some scraps.

15 thoughts on “A short, topical diversion on ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.’

  1. Brennig says:

    But the chickens appreciate the choices you’ve made.

  2. john b says:

    I’ve been to some rather similar places, and own some remarkably similar t-shirts. In fact, I’m slightly surprised we never ended up doing a failed dotcom pitch together (what is Paul Chambers up to these days, anyway?).

    I’m glad my worst failure was only “oh, piss off, you’ll never get Richard Dawkins and Niall Ferguson to endorse this one, I’m going to go and work for someone who can pay me pounds sterling into my bank”. They somehow did get both chaps on board (and some hilarious media coverage), but the company still went bust…

  3. Yes, that guitar sound really is on its way out.

  4. Lionel d'Lion says:

    Ah, but if you’d not come to the right decision you’d be thinking “What have I done?!” each year at this time (admittedly from the private hell of your Barbadian getaway).

  5. JonnyB says:

    John – didn’t I pass you in the waiting area when we pitched for ‘Chegwin’s Rate My Bogie’?

    It is just guilt that I feel. The chickens would be enjoying some sun now.

  6. MB says:

    What’s ITV? Never heard of it.

  7. ajb1605 says:

    I know you’ve seen this before, but this reminds me of…..http://www.27bslash6.com/p2p2.html

  8. That’s the problem with counter-factuals, Jonny – you can never tell what other dominos would have fallen had you changed the path of one even by a millimetre.

    For instance, in this case, I can confidently extrapolate that your involvement would have led to the immediate ignominious failure of the entire enterprise, including extra double helpings of embarrassment and public bombing, and exactly zero Barbados retirement homes for anyone. Also, the Nazis would have won World War II.

    On the other hand, if anyone ever runs with “I’m a sad wanker, get me out of here”, your 15 minutes are pretty much guaranteed. Swings and roundabouts really, isn’t it?

  9. josephine says:

    This one should be entitled “I’m an Internet Celebrity (sort of) and Regret Not Being In There In Order That I Can Subsequently Get Out of Here”.

    Happy to precis future posts on demand.

  10. Simon R says:

    Gratuitous use of our Rate My there. We own it you know.

  11. guyana gyal says:

    Are you saying you regret the chickens? Awww man.

    You can still retire in the C’bean…ahhh, sun, blue sea, chickens in the backyard scratchin’ away happily.

  12. guyana gyal says:

    …oops, right now, this very minute, on the news: Barbados increases taxes…

  13. JonnyB says:

    Simon – sorry – just seen your other comment on the last post – rude of me not to reply, will email!

    Thanks Josephine – – would you be available for all posts from now on?

  14. ellie says:

    The chickens are celebrities!

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