It seems as if I have been away for months and months.

I am very tired, due to the jet lag. There is a pile of post on the floor!!! This is exciting. I sort the post.

There are three items for me. Two of them are a mobile phone bill and a new debit card. There is also an invitation to purchase some Christmas cards, from a charity.

Booooo. Still. The answerphone light is flashing. I have messages!!! I press the button. There is one message. It is from a financial adviser that I spoke to two years ago, asking if I am all right.

Booooooooo and thrice boooooo. I have been away for ages, and I have three bits of post and a single phone call. Nobody likes me, except the financial adviser.

I will write up my Private Secret Holiday Diary when I am a bit more with it. In the meantime, has anything of note happened whilst I was away? You do not get UK news in America, as they have so much of their own. It would be good to catch up with events.

18 thoughts on “I stagger back into the Cottage.

  1. Paul says:

    There was quite a big fuss made when the BBC invited an MEP on to Question Time.

    Turns out, the MEP is an odious prick. Who’d have guessed?

  2. AndrewM says:

    Not much.

    Went down the pub.

  3. NickyB says:

    It’s been gloriously wonderful here. We all got on famously, the financial crisis has gone away and the climate has mutated to balmy mediterranean. Medical evidence shows that pies, beer and darts are all very very good for you. Chicken eggs are like gold dust and will attract premium prices of £1,000 per doz on the black market. Hurray!

  4. Richard says:

    Everybody up here in the frozen north got jobs.

    Somebody got killed by Stephen Fry on the internet because she said gay. Or something like that. I wasn’t listening, so you’ll have to look that one up.

  5. Lola says:

    Barack Obama got a Nobel prize, for some reason. Keith Chegwin and Judith Hann have not been in the news. I have done a lot of university coursework. And watch out, the clocks have gone back so you will be a whole hour ahead of everyone else and will wonder why the pub is still shut and there’s nobody waiting outside like you are.

  6. ellie says:

    The post office went on strike! Those hoodlums (the postal workers) are probably sitting on their bums reading through the many pieces of fan mail that you should have received, except you were on your adventures.

  7. I live in America. Our big news was a strange smell and a rash of chicken molestation. But it’s stopped now, so that’s all right.

    As it happens, I was just on the phone with your financial advisor. He doesn’t like you either. That’s why all your savings are now invested in Madagascan Treasury Bills at 0.05% interest, maturing in 2059.

    Anyway, he says he never called you, on account of not liking you. Perhaps the message was from someone who was really hoping to speak to the LTLP, and “financial advisor” is some sort of code? But that’s just crazy talk…

  8. Diana says:

    Yay you’re back!!! Best news in ages =D

  9. Zed says:

    Part of Belgium has merged with the country formally known as France and is now known as Fragique. The other part of Belgium has merged with the country formally known as Holland and is now known as Nedergum. The recession is over, everyone has jobs that pay extremely well and men can now have babies.

  10. SophieW says:

    Ah but what you can’t see evidence of (or can you?!) is how many of us have excitedly logged on to your blog every day to check if you’re back yet…. surely that counts for something?

  11. Megan says:

    Ivan – wait, we were supposed to STOP molesting chickens? DAMNIT! I never get those emails. Do you know how hard it is to type with your hand up a chicken’s bum? I suppose this explains why the strange smell hasn’t stopped either…

  12. Sewmouse says:

    Welcome back, Mr. JonnyB

    It has been too quiet without you here. Even tho you were, in fact… HERE.
    But because you were HERE, you weren’t typing here, so even though I would have loved to have a nice cup of tea with you HERE, I’m glad now that you are THERE because now you will type here.

  13. Brennig says:

    I seem to be writing madly (take that how you like). And I did a massive poo yesterday. Have acquired a second horse. And apparently Cheryl Cole was on Question Time with someone called Jedward who was dressed in a rubber suit and had a marigold glove on his head.

    I don’t get out much and watch the television less.

  14. ajb1605 says:

    Tranmere Rovers celebrate 125 years on Saturday. You haven’t missed it.

  15. Well, yes, actually some things have happened

    I dined in Oslo, under the stern gaze of none other than the Pope ( and my cat expressed her true feelings (

    Some other things happened too but, I’m sure you’ll agree, these were the most monumental.

    The Unexpected Traveller

  16. Ceeej says:

    Umm, thought you’d been to the birthplace of the banjo? That’s Africa isn’t it? I was expecting tales of rampaging hippos and giraffes.

  17. Not to worry, Megan – winter isn’t winter in Norfolk without a pair of free-range mittens…

  18. WrathofDawn says:

    But you’ve got 18 comments! We have all abandoned phone and post for Interwebs.

    Not much doing around here except a little thing we like to call a pandemic. Oink!

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